July 20: Green Mohawk

(has gelled mohawk) Good morning John, it's Friday, June 20th. And I have a mohawk. A big fake mohawk. And I have some spray can paint! (sprays) Ow, my eyes are burning. What the hell? It's like, hair paint mixed with mace. (sprays) It's pretty green, huh? OK, now, for real: Punishment complete. I dressed up like a freaking Goth and then I spray painted a faux hawk green.

Now that my punishment is complete, on to more important business. The most important business for the day, I think, has to do with the fact that my chair will, in fact, spin on its own at a certain speed as long as I am sitting on it. And I think that maybe I might have discovered some kind of perpetual motion machine, and I should probably be seeking some kind of patent. What is this? Like, the weight of my body on my chair makes it spin.

OK, actually the most important piece of business for the day is that people liked my Harry Potter song a lot. The truth of the matter is that I like it a lot too. I actually find myself singing it quite a lot, which feels kind of funny. I also, sometimes, sing it in different styles.

(sings country) I'm gettin' kinda tired of this

prepublication media blitz.
I got- I've got all of Muggle kind under your spell.

(raps) Don't you know the whole world's already gone

and reserved a copy at Amazon?

(nerdy singing) How many more books do they expect to sell?

(Hard rock) Just give me my book or go to hell!

(spoken) Just, in general, ah, yeah I- I- I like the song quite a bit as well. Uh, can't take all the credit. Katherine helped me write it. We sat on the porch and I played, and I'd be like, God, nothing in the world rhymes with bell! And Katherine'd be like, um, spell is a good word for a song about Harry Potter. And I'd be like, yeah, spell. So a bit of a group effort. Also, Lizzy from the Leaky Cauldron, who helped to spread the word about the video. And everyone who rated the video high! That's amazing! And everyone who favorited it, that's also amazing. I right now have the number five top rated song on YouTube, which is kind of like a dream come true. 

I have a small understanding of what it would be like to be a small time rock star. That is how I'm feeling right now. Which is sort of an amazing feeling. But it could be better, so please, everyone do what you will with this song. It's only kind of good until tomorrow WHEN THE BOOK COMES OUT! So you know, it probably be good to get as many people listening to it as possible in, uh, the next twelve hours. 

Please, do what you can to avoid spoilers! They've been popping up all over the place, and we're doing our best to prevent them from being anywhere near Brotherhood 2.0 but we can't watch everything all at once. So just close you're eyes as fast as you can whenever you see anything about Harry Potter. I put a link to an mp3 of the file, uh, below (points) right there, if you're on Brotherhood2.com. Otherwise you can go to Brotherhood2.com and it will be there.

I am really glad that everyone liked it so much. It's really good to have people saying such nice things they may change their mind now that they see my green mohawk, but none the less, um, thank you all very much. By this time tomorrow those of us who care will have copies of Deathly Hallows, and I won't expect to be hearing from any of you, ah, but John I will see you on Monday.

Brotherhood 2.0: July 17: Topless Dancer

Good morning Hank it's Tuesday, July 17th, the day of my punishment. Hank in your punishment video, by the way pretty hilarious, you said that you didn't know where to get green hair dye that you can spray on. I didn't know where to get green spray on hair dye either, but fortunately Indianapolis has something called 86th Street. 86th Street is like a normal street except it contains all possible commercial entities. So this morning I got up, I got on 86th Street, I went to the Walgreens, I went to the Salvation Army, I went to the Goodwill, and I went to the party story. I got green spray on hair dye but I think that that's gonna have to actually wait until Thursday, since you didn't do yours yet.
I have really really really really big pants look Hank. (sticks arms down pants up to mid arm) They're huge! And I got a belt for my really really huge pants. I think it's a girl belt, but I don't think it matters, I mean, you just wore lipstick.
Now since my punishment is to recreate a mix of two pictures. First this picture: Oh boy. And secondly this picture, I've also had to find some medals. Hank I have three medals: First my Alabama Library Association author award. Second the medal I got for being an Audie Award finalist. And third a medal I created myself using an Ethernet cable and a button that a Nerdfighter gave me that says ask me how you can join the Evil Baby Orphanage. Oh, and also I got a bow-tie.
Alright Hank, let's do it! (dances) I know what you're wondering Hank, you're wondering first why is your chest making noise and second where did all the medals go? (Taps chest, which clinks) OK, OK, I gotta get psyched up. Oh! I forgot about the glasses! I can't very well recreate this picture without the glasses! (has giant ones on) Do you like these? No. These make me look like the bastard child of Harry Potter and Harry Caray. Fortunately I have these (new glasses) unfortunately I can't see anything out of them! Where are you?
We're gonna do it this time. (Music, dancing, slowly takes of shirt) Really Hank, is this a punishment for me or the audience? (Does pose) Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) I'm dancing, I'm dancing, I can't see anything, I'm dancing, I'm dancing, and (poses and falls) OK! I'm OK! Nothin's broke.

July 16: Goth

Good morning John, it's Monday, July 16th (holds up Goth picture). OK, I need to recreate this photograph so first thing's first: I need to shave. Different chins. Very different chins. (Fully shaved) That's better. I can't find any eyeliner or lipstick, especially no lipstick that color, so I think I'm gonna have to go out and try and find some. Though I'm not entirely sure where one buys lipstick.
I have good news. I found eyeliner and lipstick in Katherine's little bag, and hopefully she won't mind me using them. But she's not here to ask. But I don't want to wait until she gets home to do this. Is that similar colors there? Hmm, it's about the same color. Uh, it is so strange how difficult this is. I feel really weird. A-About this. (Eurythmics Sweet Dreams plays as he applies lipstick) Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Hank, that's not nearly dark enough (adds eyeliner as lip liner) (Applies eyeliner) My goodness do I look funny! We must now continue to recreate this photograph. Now for the final pose we're going to have to move the camera, so here goes nothing.
(lights lighter) So here I am in the basement. Umm, it's dark, it feels kind of Gothy. Not really Gothic. At all, but Gothy. There's definitely a flash when this picture was taken so, um, I'm not sure how I'm gonna recreate that effect, but we'll figure it out.
(Adjusting hair with bright light on) And there- that way. My right hand is out and limp. (does pose, cuts back and forth to photo) Success! (Beatboxes) I think that I should take some time to reflect about what I've done today. And how it's made me feel. Mostly it's strange how weird it was to actually be doing the lipstick thing because that was like, this is a girl thing. I can't do the girl thing I'm a boy. Then the eyeliner after getting over the whole, like, poking myself in the face thing, uh was fun. I liked kinda- I kinda liked doing that. I sang a little bit. John I will see you in your extremely embarrassing picture tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) (applying eyeliner and whistling)
(sings) just doin my make up here on the floor in the living room.
Hope the mail lady doesn't come by,
cause she'll see me doin my make up.
And she'll think I'm a pretty weird guy.
(spoken) I am a pretty weird guy.
(in basement) (sings and dances) My Hump, my hump my hump my hump!

Brotherhood 2.0: July 13: Outside

Good morning Hank, it's Friday. Hank, that's the view outside of my back yard. The view that I am generally looking at while I'm writing. As you know I've never taken a lot of stock in nature. I mean, I'm in favor of the environment and everything, but my general policy is that we should protect it by keeping ourselves distant from it. I'm generally a big fan of inside. In fact I believe that the entire reason human beings created inside was so that we wouldn't have to deal with outside anymore. And I've always found it endlessly amusing that people choose to be outside. Camping, backpacking, when our ancestors when through all this trouble to make inside for our comfort and happiness. Going outside just seems dismissive to your ancestors. Let's face it Hank, Nanny and Papa worked hard all their lives so that we could live inside.
But ever since I moved to Indiana, I find my distaste for outside kind of beginning to want. In fact, Hank, I am so enamored with outside that I am now going to show you a nature-themed Nerdfighters photo. Remember Nerdfighters, SPF 30 or above. (photo of Nerdfighters written in sand) That's right baby, we may be pasty, but Nerdfighters can hang out at the beach. I mean I still don't like the occupants of outside. For instance I don't like mice, and I don't like moles. There's a family of raccoons that lives under our deck. I don't like the raccoons. But I am starting to enjoy working outside. Although it's a screened in porch, so it's only kind of half outside. In fact Hank, maybe screened in is the exact right amount of outside. It occurs to me that I could probably hike the Appalachian trail as long as I had a screened in enclosure around me at all times.
Hank I'm looking forward to doing my punishment on Tuesday. I've already gotten some medals of some kind together, and this weekend I'm gonna get myself to the thrift store, get me some big baggy pants, maybe one of those old belts like I used to have, some green hairspray. Oh, speaking of the green hairspray: obviously I don't want you to just spray paint a green mohawk into your head. I want you to spray paint a green mohawk into your head and recreate the Goth picture.
OK Hank, I'm gonna go back inside and continue my attempt to find the perfect song to dance to during my punishment. I mean obviously if you're gonna be a shirtless surprisingly fat guy recreating the look of a shirtless amazingly skinny guy, you need a great song. Incidentally anyone with suggestions for that song is welcome to share them with me. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.

July 12: Pizza, Punishments and Potter

(image of salad) Oooh, aaah. Good morning John, it's Thursday, July 12th. I'm in a pizza restaurant. Pretty much completely alone, except for Katherine. Who's here because she just got back from her work trip and I'm really glad to see her. And I would like to spend all of my time with her, but I can't because I have to make a video. So instead I'm making a video while I'm spending time with her at a pizza restaurant. This is definitely the deliciousest pizza restaurant in Missoula. Deliciousest. Wooo my pizza. They make pretty good money here. Good news is that we're the only people here because it's like, 2:30. Not really time for lunch. Except for the cooks and wait staff. But they kind of, um, work for me? Because I'm paying them money to do stuff? So they're aloud to be discouraged by my video taping.
(pizza) Mmm. Pizza. I still don't know what you want me to do for my punishment exactly, so I'm not gonna do it today. But you need to clear that up on Friday so that I can be sure that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not still punished after I finish my punishment. I like the green hair idea with the spray paint, but I don't think that that's suitably, uh, punishment. Cause, especially if it just washes out after a day. So, yeah, I think that it's a good challenge, a good fun time thing to do, but not necessarily uh- a punishment.
(Wal*Mart badges with Nerdfighters on them) Wow, I sure can't argue with Wal*Mart Nerdfighters.
(One slice) This is how much pizza is left. That is Katherine's piece, so I can't eat it. I- I would like to eat it. But we split it in half and that is not my piece. (reaches for it) Not. (Katherine smacks his hand away.
So guess what Katherine and I are about to go do? We're going to see Harry Potter! At the five o'clock matinee showing because that is the only time we go to see movies any more. Now, even in Missoula, a movie costs 8 dollars and 50 cents. Never ever go without a soda in your pocket because the sodas are like seven dollars for the little one. I'm getting very excited for all this Harry Potter madness. I'm having a hard time holding in my excitement for the book, which I think comes out in 12 days? 13 days? It's very soon. I hope that I don't have to do a video on that day because I won't be able to cause I will be reading Harry Potter.
But I just wanted to say that I think that a good challenge is just to wear out Nerdfighter shirts in public. Because people always look at me funny. And then sometimes they ask me but other times they just look at me and they kind of ask me with their eyes, plus then you get to, like, explain Brotherhood 2.0 to them. Maybe we should have business cards.
As for your punishment, people seem to be really excited about you doing that half naked dance with a golden bow-tie. Well, really, I mean, it's gonna be black and white so anything that looks like it could be a golden bow-tie. Just, put that on, and then you do that naked dance, for, you know, ten, fifteen seconds, maybe a little bit more than that, how bout 30 seconds? You don't have to show all of it, you can just pick the best parts, but I wanna see some good half naked dancing. I think that's what I wanna see you do for your punishments, me? Whatever you want, man.
OK, I'm almost home, so John I will see you tomorrow.

July 10: Embarassing Photographs

Good morning John, it's Tuesday, July 10th. Ooooh the Goth picture. I knew the Goth picture was going to come back. And it's back! Hmmm. John since we made a simultaneous infraction, more or less, I've been thinking that it would be great to do a simultaneous punishment. Like a punishment that played off itself. Each of us does a similar punishment. Which is why I was excited about me getting a mohawk and you getting an inverse mohawk so together we would have one normal haircut. But I understand that the Yeti doesn't want a husband with an inverse mohawk. I understand that. For now. Watch out! Because it might happen. And I am in favor of it happening.
But since you've settled on my punishment already, I would have to make your punishment play off my punishment. And the only way I could do that is if I had a (shows three pictures) really embarrassing picture of you. Oh, I do! Apparently I have several really embarrassing pictures of you. How did that happen? Let's spend some time with each of these pictures. They seem to all be from high school, which makes a good parallel with my embarrassing picture because it is also from high school.
Now, it's pretty embarrassing that two of these see, to be from academic decathlon meets. Academic decathlon meets in which you had a maroon buzz cut. Wow. Additionally they're academic decathlon meets in which you seem to have done very well (ding sound with medal shine).
Another of them is just you, shirtless, in pants that are obviously falling off, doing what looks to be a version of your happy dance. Now I certainly wouldn't mind seeing you recreate that picture.
(Nerd Fighters Unite image) Nerdfighters!
Just make the video black and white, uh put on some really big pants, uh take off your shirt and do your happy dance. I really do want these punishments to match up so I'm just gonna take one of these academic decathlon pictures, I'm gonna match it with my embarrassing picture. So let's look at them as a whole. Here's my picture. It is very embarrassing. Here's your picture, it is very embarrassing.
Now, I think we should figure out what the most embarrassing part of each of these pictures is. And my picture I think we can agree that the most embarrassing part of the picture is my face. Because of all of my Goth make up. But in your picture, I think that we can agree that the most embarrassing part is your face. Because of your cute little face, and your cute gigantic glasses, and your amazing maroon buzz cut.
Now I think that we should discuss the most embarrassing non-facial part of each of these pictures. For me, I think it's my limp wrist. And for you I think I'm gonna go with your adorable shiny gold bow-tie.
And finally I think that we should discuss our left eyes. Here's mine, and here's yours. Wow.
So John, my punishment to you, unless you add something else on to mine, is to recreate one of those two pictures. Either the one with the golden bow-tie, or the one where you're doing that dance. And I'm only give you the option because I'm not entirely sure you're going to be able to find a golden bow-tie, and it's just not gonna work without the golden bow-tie. So hopefully by Friday I'm gonna see this guy, or possibly this guy, but I will see you tomorrow.

July 9: The Punishment Fiasco

Good morning Hank it's Monday, July 9th. Welcome to my guest bedroom. By the way for the last two weeks I've been giving you a tour of my house. Have you noticed? Hank over the last few days several commenters and also some people in My Pants have said that you and I, uh, textually communicated on purpose because we miss getting punished. Would that it were so. The fact of the matter is that we're just really stupid. I mean, I don't think you're that stupid, I think that you were probably doing six at once and just happened to textually communicate with me. I think that I'm stupid. I don't enjoy punishments, although I do enjoy you getting punished.
Hank to prove to you that I didn't get punished on purpose, I'm going to recreate the actual textual communication we had. So I'm sittin around, working on my new book, thinking about what the title should be and all of a sudden, on my screen, up pops a video chat request from you. And I say to myself, well, you know, video isn't text so that's allowed. So I hit OK, but for some reason it doesn't work, doesn't go through. And then I get a text screen pops up that says OK I'm here now. And I'm like, is that Katherine? Did Katherine go up on Hank's IM? And so I say, Katherine? And the person responds, no Hank. And then I'm like (dances) YES YES YES YES YES YES! And I'm sitting there and I'm thinking to myself he's gonna get punished. He's so punished. And then I just wanted to tell ya, Hank. I just wanted to tell you how punished you were. And so I said Dude, you are so punished! And then I hit return.
(image of a Nerdfighters live here sign) Wait, I ju- we just need to take a quick time out from this story. Just to say Nerdfighters!
Honestly Hank? Even after I typed enter, even after I saw the words Dude you are so punished pop up on the screen. I was just like dobidydoobidydabidydabididoodoo. And then I noticed that you weren't writing back, and I was like, why isn't Hank writing back to me? And then I said, oh, right it's because we're not textually communicating. Doh! Stupid stupid stupid! GAHH I'm gonna get punished!
I think that we have your punishment all set up in My Pants. It look like your punishment is definitely going to involve wait- can we- can we go ahead and cue up the- (image of Hank in makeup) YES! Yes! It's going to involve recreating that! I don't know the other details, but it's definitely going to involve recreating that picture.
As for my punishment, it doesn't seem like anyone's said a lot of anything, and Hank maybe you could go into My Pants and help people talk about it and pick stuff that you think would be particularly harmful to me.
Oh, and Hank, quick side note: I know that we can't veto our punishments, obviously, because then they wouldn't be punishments, but I do think that our wives should have the right to veto punishments that the Nerdfighters suggest for us. Because nothing against the Nerdfighters, but sometimes they suggest punishments that are sort of, uh, maniacal. Like, oh, I think you should have to do your happy dance in public 200 times and then after that you should have to saw off your leg. Now the fact that I don't want to saw off my leg shouldn't figure into the punishment thing at all. But the fact that the Yeti doesn't want me to saw off my leg that's a deal breaker to me. So I hope we can agree: wives have veto power. And, uh, I will see you tomorrow. But more importantly, hopefully by Thursday, I will see (image) this guy again!

July 6: Ooooooops

(Camera spins) Good morning John, it's Friday, July 6th. (fireworks) If you have a chance always watch fireworks from slightly above. And that's why it's amazing to live in a town that's surrounded by mountains. Yay for American independence! It means that I'm on the even days, and I don't have to do a song next Wednesday. Not that I don't like going the songs. It's good for me. I agree, but it's hard. And I'm busy. (takes a bite) I'm so busy that I have to eat while I'm doing Brotherhood 2.0 because I don't have time to do Brotherhood 2.0 today. Because I'm going tubing today. Tubing is what we do in Missoula when it gets too hot. Instead of air conditioners, we just go and sit in the river. Which is actually extremely pleasant. Sittin on a river letting it take you where ever it wants to take you. That is probably my favorite part of the summer. Possibly my favorite part of the entire year. So when tubing season arrives, which is generally when the temperatures have three digits in them, I am so happy to be able to hop into the river.
(image of three people doing salute) Did you see what these three Nerdfighters did? When they said that they made a sign that said Nerdfighters in their driveway I was picturing, you know, a regular sized driveway. Turns out that they have a very very big driveway. In fact it's probably the driveway for about 300 different people who live in their apartment complex and they wrote Nerdfighters covering the entire driveway! We're takin about a Nerdfighter sign with every letter roughly ten feet tall. Also in their email to us they said that some policemen came by to harass them a little bit about their use of the Nerdfighter sign. But they stayed strong, and the convinced the police officers that Nerdfighters is indeed not a bad word, nor does it have anything to do with terrorism. And they were allowed to go free.
John, I'm a little bit confused about your decision to declare "email bankruptcy" when we go financially bankrupt that's a bad thing. Like a really bad thing. But you seemed really excited about going email bankrupt. In fact ever since you heard about the idea you were really into it. And I'm afraid that you should take it a little bit more seriously. Going email bankrupt is a really big deal. In fact I'm going to try and get you on iChat so we can talk about this face to face.
Beeraaaaaghhrraaahuuuuuhhhooooh. I just instant messaged you. But the silver lining is that you instant messaged me back.
John (on phone): To what do I owe the pleasure of your instant message for the first time in seven months? I'm so mad at you! I uh, shouldn't have said anything. I should have just walked away. And said nothing. But I said Dude you're so punished. Clearly textual communication. Why did I say that?
Hank (laughs): I don't know, John. I was trying to get you to notice that I was on videochat!
John we are very stupid. Nerdfighters? We're gonna need some punishment ideas, I'll see you on Monday.

April 9th: Is it OK to Party?

Good morning, John. It’s Monday, April- I don’t care. The day after Easter is what it is. It’s not actually the day after Easter; it’s the day before Easter and I’m having a party at my house which you may be able to hear in the background. (party sounds) And I’m just going to walk upstairs and see what happens. (carries camera upstairs to find music, people dancing, and a guy who has made a Batman mask with his fingers)
Well, that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. But that’s what happened. There were a lot of people there and it was very fun. Kind of, maybe a little bit too fun for some people. Uh, maybe even a little bit too fun for me. I’ve heard that there may be some problems discussing certain aspects of our lives. And I don’t know if I’m okay with that.
For example, when I drank that entire bottle of Strawberry Hill flavored citrus wine—I didn’t actually drink all of it—there was some discussion about us as role models and binge drinking. Wow. Binge drinking. I’d really like to try that sometime because Hank looked like he was having a blast. (shakes head)

(shows picture of someone holding an Easter egg that reads, “Nerd Fighters”) Nerdfighters!
So, I’m not entirely sure how much I should share in these videos, which is a little bit of a problem because you and I are brothers and we have to communicate. And that includes sharing things like my massive, colossal hangover. And the Easter party that I went to where, instead of candies in the eggs, there were condoms and other forms of contraception and also edible body gels. 

So you think you can embarrass me? Hmmm. I can embarrass me worse than you can embarrass me. Wait, no. Yes! That was a horrible, horrible picture of me. Limp wristed and eyelinered and those glasses really are horrible. And as horrible as that picture was, I’ve decided to embrace it. I sent that picture off to a laboratory and I had them convert it. (each description has accompanying image) And I had them turn me into a baby and a manga character and a young person and an old person and a drunk person and a monkey.
And through all of it, none of ‘em were as embarrassing as the original. (shows it) But I’m sure that there are even more embarrassing pictures of me out there, and I know that there are more embarrassing pictures of you out there. And I’m gonna find ‘em.
I’ll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: April 6: Nerdfighters Never Surrender

Good morning, Hank. It’s April 6th: Good Friday. Well, it’s Good Friday for me. For you, it’s just regular, heathen Friday. Hank, you will no doubt note that the zit has not gone away. I was gonna take Good Friday off, but then at the end of your puppet show yesterday you said, “John, I’ll see you tomorrow.” And I don’t like to disappoint you. So, here it is, tomorrow and you’re seeing me.
(from bed; without glasses) But I’m so tired!
(back in front of the bookcases) Let’s see what the commenters have to see about this subject. Commenter Quari writes, “Hey, I just wanted to say that you guys are awesome. I did have just one suggestion, however. You both seem, and I could be wrong, to be a bit down and not really wanting to make your bidaily videos. I propose that you have every eighth week off to regenerate your humor and energy. Keep up the good work!” Oh, I see what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to tempt me. You’re probably a popular person and you’re scared because you see what we’re doing. You see what the Nerdfighters are accomplishing and it worries you so you want us to take every eighth week off.

I’ll admit, it an attractive idea. But does injustice take every eighth week off? Does despair take every eighth week off? Does global warming take every eighth week off? Does Dick Cheney take every eighth week off from intentionally misleading the American people about the relationship between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda? Does orbital cellulitistake every eighth week off? Does US Weekly take every eighth week off? Does suck take every eighth week off? 

No! And nor shall we!
I’m an English literature Nerdfighter! I don’t need to take days off to recharge. I just go to my room, read a couple stanzas of The Wasteland, and I’m good to go. We will stand and fight all year long, except for weekends and occasional holidays. Nerdfighters! (picture of a girl holding out her fists, on which she has written N-E-R-D-F-I-T-R) It reminds me of something the Ghetto Boyz once said. “Real ganster-ass Nerdfighters don’t run from nothin’ ‘cuz real gangster-ass Nerdfighters can’t run fast.”
Good news, Hank. The Foundation to Decrease Suck is on the march. We’ve just made our first gift of $100 to One Kid One World, an organization that helps refugees in Africa. Thanks to all the contributers including, most notably, you, Hank. In other news, congratulations on completing your punishment via sock puppet theatre. I would like to say, though, that as humiliating as those stories were they are not nearly humiliating enough. I think it’s important that all Brotherhood 2.0 viewers see the picture that you put up in the comments. Oh my God.
The plain fact of the matter, Hank, is that it’s one thing to look at a sock puppet that is ostensibly wearing lipstick and eyeshadow. And it’s quite another thing to look at (shows picture) Hank Green wearing black lipstick and eyeshadow. (laughs) Can we see it again please? (shows it and laughs some more) Oh, my God.
It’s true that I like The Cure a lot and that I was known to occasionally prowl the halls of Winterpark High School in ninth grade while wearing eyeliner, but I had the good sense never to let myself be photographed. Can we just do it one more time for people who might not have been watching earlier? Maybe you went out to get a sandwich or something and now ah- (shows picture; laughs) There he is! Dah! I love it! Thank you, God, most for this amazing picture of Hank.
Hank, I’ll see you on Monday. Happy Easter!

April 5th: Embarrassing Moment Sock Puppet Theater

(a stage is set with Sock Puppet Hank in it)

Sock Puppet Hank: Good morning John. It's Thursday, April 5th. I have some bad news: You said that I could visit my local Hummer dealership and test drive a Hummer. This is one of the best ideas that I've heard for a punishment in a long time, and I'm very sorry to have to say that I can't do it. Because I don't have a local Hummer dealership. The nearest one is 153 miles away. And then I called some hair salons to see if they'd professionally wax my chin, but it turns out that professionals don't wax chins. The lady on the phone said that it was a high blood supply area. They don't do it because of the potential for permanent damage! Boy, I'm really sorry I made you do that. It's Brotherhood 2.0's Embarrassing Moment Sock Puppet Theater! Oh, well, that's embarrassing, my hair just fell off. I have a hairy neck. Hairy neck.
Sock Puppet Hank: Embarrassing moment number one!
Sock Puppet Justin: Hello. My name's Justin, and I was Hank's roommate in college. I have long hair, and a slight frame, and one day I was minding my own business eating some marmite on toast when Hank walked into the room.
Sock Puppet Hank enters, humming. Oh my, look. It's Katherine.
Sock Puppet Hank walks over to Sock Puppet Justin and starts kissing his head. Sock Puppet Justin turns around.
Sock Puppet Justin: ARGH!
Sock Puppet Hank: ARGH!
Sock Puppet Justin: What was that?!
Sock Puppet Hank: Uh. Um.
Sock Puppet Hank looks around, and leaps out of the theater.
Sock Puppet Hank: Embarrassing moment number two!

Sock Puppet Katherine's Mom: I'm Katherine's mom. So, Katherine, when am I going to be meeting this Hank I've been hearing so much about?
Sock Puppet Katherine: Maybe when we get back to campus. After grocery shopping here. I can introduce you to him.
Sock Puppet Hank enters. Katherine!
Sock Puppet Katherine: Uh oh. He's coming. He's -- right behind you...
Sock Puppet Hank: Run run run run! (Hank runs into Katherine's mom.) Oh, uh. Um. Hi. It's nice to meet you. I'm Hank.
Sock Puppet Katherine: That's Hank.
Sock Puppet Katherine's Mom: Oh. What a nice young man. You ran into my legs.
Sock Puppet Hank: I decided it would be cool if I would slide on my knees down the aisle at Albertson's and run into Katherine. But instead, I ran into her mom. Embarrassing moment number three!

Sock Puppet Hank: What a nice drive. Sara, I have never dated a more beautiful person than you, and I never will, until I meet Katherine.
Sock Puppet Sara: Yeah, I know, I'm pretty awesome, huh.
Sock Puppet Hank: Yeah, you are.
Sock Puppet Sara: You look pretty awesome tonight too with that black lipstick on.
Sock Puppet Hank: Yeah. You're so cool.
Sock Puppet Sara: I know.
Sock Puppet Hank tries to start the vehicle and it makes stalling noises.
Sock Puppet Sara: What's going on?
Sock Puppet Hank: Oh my god. I totally forgot to get gas.
Sock Puppet Sara: Oh my god, what are we going to do.
Sock Puppet Hank: I know! We'll walk to 7-11 and call my mom.
Cut to them standing in front of a 7-11.
Sock Puppet Hank: (on the phone) Mom? I ran out of gas, and now I'm stuck at 7-11. Can you come pick us up even though it's like 2 o'clock in the morning?
Sock Puppet Hank's Mom: You ran out of gas?!
Sock Puppet Hank: Yeah. It was pretty stupid.
Sock Puppet Hank's Mom: I'll be there in a minute. But I am not happy with you.
Sock Puppet Hank: Aw, this sucks, I'm so sorry. I'm so lame.
Sock Puppet Sara: I hope your mom gets here soon. This is kinda boring.
Sock Puppet Hank's Mom enters.Oh hello.
Sock Puppet Hank: Hi Mom, I'm really sorry about this, but I didn't know what else to do.
Sock Puppet Hank's Mom: Stop! Stop talking. What's on your face.
Sock Puppet Hank: What?
Sock Puppet Hank's Mom: There is something on your face. It looks like you're wearing makeup.
Sock Puppet Hank: (high-pitched) Can you just drive Sara home? So that this nightmare can be over?
Sock Puppet Hank's Mom: You are so grounded.
Cut to Sock Puppet Hank. John, I'll see you tomorrow.
Sock Puppet Hank's Mom and Sara: Bye.

Brotherhood 2.0: April 2nd: Punishments in the Ramble

(outside by a stream) Good morning, Hank. What's today? Uh, what's today, Tuesday? It's February 2nd.
The Yeti: No.
John: April 2nd. What is...?
The Yeti: It's Monday.
John: Good morning, Hank. It's Monday, April 2nd. I'm standing here in the Ramble in Central Park, our answer to the state of Montana. Hank, I'd like to show you the difference between your wilderness in Montana and our wilderness here in New York. The Yeti and I were walking happily along through the Ramble when we came across—you guessed it—porn. (showing several sheets of paper lying on the ground) I'm gonna have to shoot this at a wider angle so we don't offend our younger viewers, but trust me, it's very dirty.
Hank, I've been walking through the Ramble trying to think of your punishment. It's been hard. All the Nerdfighters have had such great suggestions; I just don't know which one to pick. I think I'll let you choose your own punishment—well, from a list of five. Broadly speaking, I think there are two kinds of punishments: embarrassment/humiliation punishments and pain punishments. So far, we've tended to emphasize pain punishments because pain is funny. But humiliation is also funny.
So my first suggestion is that you attend a senior water aerobics class. I'm sure they have one at the YMCA in Missoula. They do have a YMCA, don't they? Option 2: Have your chin waxed by a professional. Option 3: Act out your most embarrassing moment using hand puppets. Note: that had better be one embarrassing moment, Hank. I don't want you cheating me. If you're going to do that punishment, it had better be every bit as embarrassing as waxing your chin would be painful. Option 4: Convince people in downtown Missoula to sing verses from the nerdfighter song with you. Okay, for option 5 I'm going to get up close to a goose. I'm scared of geese, but it's gonna be awesome.
(sneaks up to a goose) I'm scared. (to the goose) No, we're friends! Friends. Friends. Friends. No? Friends. No! (the goose walks away running back up towards camera) Option 5: visit your local GM dealer and test drive a Hummer.

I hope you enjoy your punishment. I'll see you tomorrow.
(after the Brotherhood 2.0 logo) Oh, and I've got a message for all you "Free Hank" people. You want to free Hank? If 20 people give $10 to The Foundation to Decrease WorldSuck, Hank doesn't have to do a punishment at all.

March 30th: Manliness!

(from backyard) Good morning, John. It’s Friday, March 30th. I can’t believe I sent you that email. You know, I guess you try to do something nice and this is what happens. (sigh) To console myself for my idiocy, I’ve come over to my friend Joel’s house. Joel is a hunter and a fisherman, and he has dogs and he has guns and he’s just a manly guy. And he’s having a venison steak dinner tonight, and he’s invited Katherine and I over to partake.
(music begins: “Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys” by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson) Manly times await. (shot of a deer head on ground) This is the head of a deer! It’s being used to fertilize Joel’s garden. I wonder if there’s any other deer parts in here. (two dogs, some deer antlers hang over a mantelpiece, Joel rubs venison steaks around in a cooking dish, a beer sign, some more deer antlers, some more venison cooking clips, Joel bench-presses a large antler, then opens a beer with it and does bicep curls with it)
(back at home; Hank looks shocked) If there’s anyone out there who didn’t quite get what just happened, Joel just opened that beer bottle with an elk antler. This is a man who is very experienced at opening beer bottles with whatever is nearby. I mean, I’m not being manly, but that was a lot of manliness all packed into one thing, with an elk antler and curling and drinking beer and opening beer with an elk antler. I really don’t think you could get much more manly than that.
Now, I’m not saying a woman couldn’t do all of those things because absolutely they could. But in a stereotypical world, that was very stereotypically manly. We then continued to do manly things like talk about shooting deer and eating shot deer. It was really a very nice evening. About halfway through dinner I asked Joel about the meat we were eating. I didn’t turn on the camera quite in time, but I got most of what he said.
Joel: Mule deer, and a little white tail. They're both in a mixture. They're both little deer. They’re both eaters; nice, young, tasty. Lived a short, unfulfilling life. (general laughter, comments about Joel "you just follow the mommies around" and "Dark side of Joel")
Hank: Just so everyone knows, after I turned off the camera Joel started discussing the ethics and also the ecological impact of hunting and whether or not it was more sensible to shoot young deer or old deer. According to Joel, and Joel is an ecological scientist, it’s actually healthier for a herd to lose its younger animals. But really, I think what makes the most difference is that the young ones taste a heck of a lot better.
Joel: (at the dinner table) It’s like flaky, fall-apart, just, tender. It’s tender! (Hank takes a bite out of a steak) It’s just very flavorful.
A woman: So good.
Hank: It really is very good.
Woman: That’s good.
Hank: (at home) Chuck, I hope you’re satisfied that the manliness factor for Brotherhood 2.0 has increased substantially. If anybody was disturbed by the images, keep in mind that I live in Montana and that people have guns and they shoot animals, and that’s just how we do things here. John, I’ll see you on Monday.

Brotherhood 2.0: March 29th: JUDGMENT FOR HANK

Good morning, Hank. It’s Thursday, March 29th, and I’m back home! Hooray hooray hooray! I know that my eye still looks jacked up and the fact of the matter is that it’s probably gonna look jacked up for a week or two. But hopefully the Nerd Fighters will understand.
Hank, I’ve got even more great news. Guess who I got an email from yesterday? You! Yes! Sucker! You accidentally included me on a list of people you sent an email to about Mom! Yes! You’re gonna get punished! Yes! Yes! (does Nerd Fighter sign) Yes!
I mean, I don’t mean to sound gleeful or anything. It’s just that I’ve had a hard week, and I look forward to you having a hard week next week. But how will I punish you? What should I do? Should I make you wax something? Should I make you sing something? Should I make you eat something? Should I make you snort something? Snorting is funny. Snorting is always funny.
In other news, Hank, when I saw your video yesterday I got to thinking about fishing boat proceeds and, specifically, whether or not you and I can possibly acquire some. I propose that by April of 2008 you and I have found a way to put some amount of fishing boat proceeds into our tax return. How hard can it be? I mean, ostensibly all you need is a fishing boat and then convince someone to give you some proceeds for the fishing boat, right? I’m not good at taxes.
(covers right eye, then left, continuing to alternate between the two) I still can’t see very good out of that eye. You know how Brotherhood 2.0 has a resident mathematician in Daniel Biss? I wish we had a resident ophthalmologist. Could someone get on that, please? 

Anyway, Hank, I need the help of the Nerd Fighters to figure out what your punishment is gonna be because at the moment I’m not feeling very creative. Mostly I’m feeling like touching my eye all the time. (close-up without his glasses) Be honest; do you think it looks better? Tell me the truth, ‘cause I really, really, really want it to get better.
So, help me help Hank get punished by leaving your suggestions in comments. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow, hopefully out of both eyes.

Brotherhood 2.0: Peeps and Genocide

Good morning John it's Tuesday, March 6th and I am entirely surrounded by 100 peeps. (in store) We found the peeps. The bunnies count as full-sized right? I think I’m gonna get the bunnies, cause they’re kinda more swallow-able. They look more like a shape that won’t choke me to death. I’ve just discovered something very interesting, it says that four bunnies are 31 grams and that they contain 33 grams of carbohydrates. There is actually more sugar than there is bunny in these bunnies. Good news on the cheapskate front, each of these things is only 99 cents. So I’m going to get out of the store paying exactly 6 dollars.
So now target has 6 of my dollars and I have 100 of their peeps. I would also like to announce that I have completed the first Brotherhood 2.0 book club book. Yes, I finished We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch and since I don’t have time to discuss that and eat 100 peeps, I’m going to discuss the book while eating 100 peeps. On your mark, get set, go.
Now there some discussion on brotherhood 2.0 about We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families and how it’s a book designed to make you feel guilty about something that already happened and there’s no use crying over spilled milk. 1 gallon per every dead person, 800,000 gallons of milk. But what Philip Gourevitch’s book was really about was understanding that something happened in Rwanda. Something very significant on a world-wide scale. Unlike eating peeps.
I only ate half of this one, why did I do that?
Beyond acknowledging it, it’s about understanding how something like that could happen. I mean, in a matter of days 800,000 people were killed. All you have to have is the right cocktail of International indecision, local alcoholism, long-term racism, and a couple of inflammatory people with control over the media and it is absolutely possible for completely normal, heathy people to become genocidal maniacs, to commit the worse crime that so far humanity is capable of committing. It wasn’t just bad people killing bad people it was a bad situation and that when we can recognize those ingredients being poured together in the stew again, we can put a lid on it before the fumes reach a nation-wide fervor and create a another genocidal scenario. World governments need to recognize that it’s possible and that individual citizens need to recognize that it’s possible so that they can pressure their governments.
Bla. (cough). That’s not me almost puking, that’s just the bad taste of the peeps. Oh, 5:16. I’m not going to be able to finish this one. It’s too late, I’m so glad. 6 minutes is up. That peep was just sticking to my finger, and I’m not gonna, I'm not gonna eat this half a peep. I had that many, which honestly I think is pretty good. (burp) I’m feeling kinda jittery. I really haven’t eaten anything else today, that is, that is  all I’ve eaten, that is 100% of the food I’ve eaten today. It doesn’t feel very good though. I can’t I can’t see, huh hu- I hate their little eyes. So now I have to go online and contribute 87.5 dollars to the Brotherhood 2.0 foundation to decrease suck levels worldwide. Think what we could do with that money! Plus the 20 I already donated and plus the 20 you already donated, that’s like 127.5 dollars. Whew! Um, this video is longer then 4 minutes please do not punish me because I’m doing a punishment and we haven’t made that an official rule yet. But I’m making it a rule now, from now on video must be less then 4 minutes and this is the last one that will be more then 4 minutes. That is a rule as of tomorrow, which is when I will see you.
(After logo) Who wants peeps? (Shakes head and Peeps fly up under glasses)

Brotherhood 2.0: March 5, 2007: Hank's Punishment

Good morning Hank, it's Monday, March 5th, and I am coming to you from the Yeti’s childhood bedroom. I’m sure that you’ve been thrilled to see the Free Hank movement that’s been going on in the comments. There have been posters (shows a group of rioters with a poster with Hank on it that says, “Free Hank”) and there have even been t-shirts (shows a white t-shirt with an screen print of Hank that says “Free Hank Green”).
Hank, it just goes to show what a vocal minority can do, they can make it seem like you didn’t do anything wrong at all. Like, we’re crazy to think that it was textual communication when you said “See you tomorrow” in text, when you were communicating with me. They'll just be like, “Free Hank”, because we said so; and the rest of us will be all like, “Well, we didn’t make t-shirts saying ‘Punish Hank’, (shrugs) so maybe we should free Hank.” No we shouldn’t free Hank. You committed a punishable offense and ye shall be punished.
However, ye vocal community that is the “Free Hank” movement has gotten me to thinking that maybe my punishment for you shouldn’t be so mean, as your punishments for me have been. So Hank, here’s your punishment; there’s the part that you’ll like: Peeps, and the part that you’ll hate: spending money. First, you will purchase 100 full sized Peeps, they can be pink, they can be yellow, they can be green, they can be whatever color you want, but they must be full-sized, and there must be 100 of them. According to the Internet, that’s going to cost you approximately $19, which I realized will be significantly more painful than waxing your chin, but I’m just getting started.
Then, in a six-minute period, you will eat as many Peeps as you can. Now, Hank, remember, I don’t want anyone to die during Brotherhood 2.0, it’s easy to aspirate on Peeps, please take your time, make sure you chew. Once the six-minute period has ended, you will count the Peeps you have not eaten, you will then distribute those Peeps to worthy recipients in the city of Missoula. Now here’s the catch, however many Peeps you don’t eat in that six-minute period, you will contribute that many dollars to a new bank account that I have set up. The bank account will be known as the Brotherhood 2.0 Fund For Decreasing Suck Levels Worldwide, formerly known as the Brotherhood 2.0 Malitsa and Amy Concert Fund. Hank, we will use your contribution to this fund, and future contributions from us and possibly our viewers in order to increase the overall level of worldwide Awesomeness. For instance, maybe we’ll send Malitsa to a concert, and then after that, maybe we’ll help cure Malaria.
Hank, you can look at this as a punishment, but you can also look at is as a project. We’re starting something here, something important, something that is going to allow us to decrease the overall level of the World Suck. How much are we going to decrease Suck levels? That depends on how many Peeps you eat. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: March 2nd: Politics and Butt Explosions

Good morning, John. It’s Friday, March 2nd. You guys are all really mean. I mean, I love you, but you’re mean, kinda just like John. Okay, not all of you are mean. Otter and Maureen and couple of you guys were out there defending me. But, the people have spoken, and I await my punishment. One condition: please, nothing to do with earwax.
There’s been talk of us introducing more politics into Brotherhood 2.0, and this is not something I think we have a choice about. We’re both very politically active and interested people, and not talking about politics would be lying. And there’s no way we’re going to exclude that from our conversation. However, I’m with commenter milowent on this one. It’s too early to endorse anyone. Honestly, I mean, we don’t even know if the primary field is filled out, yet. What if there’s one candidate behind the scene whose name and politics and abilities are already well-known enough that he doesn’t have to announce early? (flashes to a picture of Al Gore) Someone who’s maybe waiting for the other primary candidates to finish ripping each other to shreds before he announces? (flashes to a picture of Al Gore) Someone who hasn’t been able to come up with a firm answer to the question, “Will you run for president?” for the last year and a half. I think we should wait and see. Plus, Dennis Kucinich’s wife is (flashes to picture of Kucinich and his wife) hot. Daniel Biss once said that she’s the one and only success that the Democratic party had in 2004. (flashes to a picture of their wedding) I could totally dig that as a first lady.
Finally, I wanted to share with you a few juicy bits of knowledge. First, commenter Scott says that he would like my punishment to be long and lasting and painful. I think I might hate commenter Scott. But, I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I have been living with ulcerative colitis. What does that mean? (farts) Well, if you’re wondering what it’s like, this advertisement, I think, sums it up fairly well. (holds up a newspaper, advertising movie called Hidden Fire: The Great Butte Explosion; covers the “e” in “butte” with his finger; says in a deep voice) Hidden Fire: The Great Butt Explosion.

Second, Liz S. says that myriad is one of her favorite words. And I wanted her to know that it comes from the Greek myriados, meaning ten thousand, and that I didn’t get you a wedding present, either.
So, apparently I look like people. First you say I look like this guy (image of The Proclaimers), then you say I look like this guy (image of male actor), then you say I look like this (image of Michelle Williams)…girl. I mean, Heath Ledger was in that movie. Maybe he asked her to get that haircut.
(with eight pictures of John Green taped to his face) Okay, this is extremely strange. I just wanted to say, (singing) I’m being John for a day 

I’m being John for a day. 

I live in New York and buy expensive jeans. 

I’m loved and adored by half dozens of teens. 

Oh, I’m being John for a day! (dances)
And, I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh! On Monday! I’ll see you on Monday.

Brotherhood 2.0: February 5, 2007

Hank, I'm at Duane Reade and I'm looking for the wax, but I don't know what aisle the wax is in. It's not with the make-up, it's not with the soap, it's with the hairbrushes.
Hank, I'm about to wax my chin. (to Yeti) What should I expect from this?
Yeti: Pain?
John: First we have to microwave the wax. (puts the wax in the microwave, closes door as Yeti then pushes the correct buttons) (sings) Dadum. Dadum. Dadumdadumdadum. Dodododo! Now I have to go wash my face! (John's washing his face while talking) I'm really worried, you've made it out to be so horrible. (focus in on John's unshaven face) The time has come, Hank. The wax is about to be applied! (wax is put on John's beard while a song plays, then the patch of cloth is put on) 1, (grabs cloth) I'm very scared. 1, 2, 3. (only pulls the cloth halfway off) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGOD!
(Yeti laughing softly) OHMYGOD. (looks at himself in the mirror) How did it not come off, I pulled so hard!  

Yeti: I'll do it...

(with renewed confidence, John grabs the cloth again) 1, 2, 3! Ohhhhahhh it can't come off! This is horrible! Oh my god, 1, can I pull slowly?
Yeti: No-
(John pulls it off and shows the camera the strip of cloth)
Yeti: You're bleeding...you're bleeding.
John: That sucked! (looks in mirror) (John with wax and strip of cloth on his chin again) Because I'm a hard worker and I believe in the project and I believe in Brotherhood 2.0, I'm going to try it one more time; but if I bleed again (shakes head) that's it. Oh god. It's much harder to do once you know how much it's going to suck. I mean last time I was like, oh, (mimics pulling off the strip) AHH; but this time I know how much it's going to hurt. (takes a deep breath) 1...oh god, I don't want to do it, oh god, 1, 2, 3. (pulls the strip off completely) (holds up the strip) See all the blood, you bastard? Hank, we're going to have to switch punishments, because this one makes me bleed! (points to chin)
(in living room again, holds up a bag of popcorn) 94 percent fat free popcorn, only two points on Weight Watchers for the entire bag, (holds up a bowl) mint chocolate chip ice cream, 13 points. I'm going to watch the mint chocolate chip melt while I eat my crappy popcorn. (eats popcorn while music plays) Thanks for giving me an alternative punishment, I'll see you tomorrow. (shows the melted bowl of ice cream)

Brotherhood 2.0: February 1, 2007

(group of people in a dining area) Good morning Hank!
(John again, camera pointed out a window to a body of water) This is the Savannah river. I like the bridge. I'm a sucker for bridges.
(camera now shoots a empty courtyard area) A year ago I was in this park with the Yeti. (camera now on John) Now I'm alone and I miss her and I'm sad. Is that what divorce would be like? Would divorce be like being in Savannah, Georgia all the time for the rest of life with no Yeti?
(background change) I'm in the airport of Savannah, Georgia I have to record this all in one take, and I'll tell you why I have to record it all in one take; it's because I left my power charger for my computer at home, so I only have 23 minutes of power left, and it's looking increasingly like I'm not going to get back to New York by midnight.
Hank, I'm in a good news/bad news situation. The bad news, I arrived at the airport four hours early but I won't be able to leave until my regular flight leaves because there's no earlier flights. The good news? (pans to sign of arcade) (a sign that says Aero Fighters) This game seems to be called Nerd Fighters. That's my favorite kind of fighters!
(playing the game, picking a country to be from) Hank, do I want to be from America, or Japan, or Sweden? Answer, Sweden! (picking a character) I would like to be this viking nerdkiller. (game pops up) Now I shall kill nerds! I'm scared, I'm scared, I gotta turn off the camera. I gotta go. I gotta go, bye.
(John against a wall) I don't like to travel. Okay, we're going to walk through the airport and see if we can find anything funny. (zooming in on a "Choate Construction" sign) The word Choate is funny.
Because this airport services Hilton Head, South Carolina, there are a lot of golfers here. They're not wearing golf shoes, but you can tell that they're golfers, you wanna see? Wait. (points to random people. Golfer, golfer, golfer, golfer, golfers, baby! Golfer, golfer, (focuses on his beer) this makes things easier. (focuses on chin) A word in parting, my chin is prepared.

Brotherhood 2.0: January 31st

(Shots of Hank sitting atop various bulldog statues, each a different size and color) Hi John! Hi John! Hi John! Hi John! Hi John! This is making my balls cold! Hi John! Howdy Johnny-boy! Hi… John… I guess? Good morning, John! It’s Wednesday, January 31st.
(Hank in living room) The University of Georgia’s mascot is a bulldog, so they covered the town of Athens with bulldogs, and I covered their bulldogs with myself. That’s a pretty normal thing to do on a Tuesday evening, isn’t it? In keeping with the tradition of movie magic-ing, that was actually not filmed today, nor was it filmed yesterday. It was filmed on the day of my last video, but I had already filmed the intro for that day in Ashville, so I had to use that day’s footage for today’s intro. So I’m not actually in Athens anymore, I’m in Orlando, Florida. Welcome to Orlando, where everything sucks. Okay, not everything sucks or else I wouldn’t be here, right? So the people, some of them, are very cool.
John Green, as you are playing the Nintendo Wii, I can only assume that you have finished your first draft of your book. Because there is no way you’re gonna finish your first draft of your book after you get a Wii. Very exciting news that you finished your first draft of the as-yet-unnamed third book of John Green, and also very good news that you have a Wii, which leads me to the punishment. Someone suggested that you send me your Wii as punishment, ohohoh, yeah! But, I am not that much of a jerk. So, getting down to business, I have to come up with a punishment, and I got a lot of them to choose from. Some people are calling you a standup citizen for agreeing to do the punishment before I told you to do the punishment. But you called me on the phone and tried to convince me that it wasn’t a punishable offense that you sent me that e-mail. I just wanted to set the record straight on that one. Now the e-mail wasn’t really a personal communication, so I can see why maybe a little bit there’s some leeway there, so I’m not gonna give you the worst punishments possible. In fact, I think I’m gonna give you a choice. And I honestly don’t know which one you will choose, but you have to do one of the two following things: Grow your facial hair for a week, and then wax your chin, or fill a large bowl with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and then watch it melt. Additionally, I agree with the majority of our commenters that in my pants is funnier than in your pants when it comes to Everyone Poops. Everyone Poops in My Pants is a sad story, whereas Everyone Poops in Your Pants is funny story. And I think our viewers will agree with me when I say that funny stories about poop aren’t as funny as sad stories about poop. And I am waiting in great anticipation for the picture book Everyone Poops in My Pants.
John Green, I will see you tomorrow.
(Cut to Brotherhood 2.0 sign) (Cut back to Hank)
Another Brotherhood 2.0 special feature is upon us, and this one is slightly disturbing. You might want to cover up the kiddies’ eyes, I’m not doing what it looks like I’m doing to this bulldog.
(Cut to Hank riding a small bulldog) Katherine: Ride it! (Music plays has Hank bounces on statue)
Katherine (to bulldog): How do you feel about what’s just happened to you? That wasn’t very comfortable, was it?