Lindsay: Good morning, Hank.
It's Thursday, May 31st and you just got said hello to by Lindsay Robertson. Hank I'm very late updating today because the Yeti's out of town and when the Yeti's gone I kind of don't know what to do with myself or how to schedule my time and I had to go to a reading earlier and then reading turned into dinner and dinner turned into drinks and then all of a sudden it's ten o'clock and I'm like I have to go I gotta make a Brotherhood 2.0 video! And then I got home and I was still hungry and the Yeti and I have made this deal that we will eat everything that is in the refrigerator before we leave New York, so I had an after dinner meal that consisted of frozen chicken vindaloo, carrots, ketchup, and Italian dressing.
Hank, where do you get off dissing Barack Obama? That's not cool. We try to present a united front here at Brotherhood 2.0 but when you go and say things like Barack Obama is merely well-spoken and merely attractive I get angry. Who you gonna vote for in 2008 if not Barack Obama? Yes, he has a problem with liquid coal, I agree that he has a problem with liquid coal, but a lot of people have a lot of other problems that are even more serious than that. He's smart! Maybe I'm biased as a Nerdfighter but I value intelligence.
Hank I'd like to thank you for the Queen Ranamalo- Ramanama- Ramnalova? Ramanalova? Hank I'd like to thank you for the Queen Ramanalova song, it rocked. By the way, Hank, thanks to commenter Ashley I now know Queen Ramanalova's first name and it is a beauty. Rabodoandrianampoinimerina why did she go by Ranavalona when she could have gone by Rabodoandianapoiniamaponatia?
In other news: Hank I've been thinking some about the Brotherhood2.com website. I think it's time for Brotherhood 2.0 to have a forum because the comments are getting really confused and there're so many of them, and it's hard to read them all at once, and you don't know which is about what. And so Hank, I challenge you to make us a forum. If the viewers are in favor of that.
Speaking of challenges you've done a great job with the song writing challenge so far, I mean, I really threw you for a loop with that skipping Memorial day thing, but then you did a great job writing a song in like six hours about Queen Ranavalona, so I'm really proud of you on the challenge front. And now I've challenged you again, and I can't help but feel like, you know, you haven't challenged me much, lately. I mean, there's a lot of things I could do for a challenge. For instance you could challenge me to eat six ounces of yogurt which is worth two Weight Watchers points, in, say, ten seconds? (drinks yogurt) Aaaah! Nerdfighters! Is there- did I get a little on my nose? (tries to lick it off) I don't have one of those tongues, Hank, do you have one of those tongues? (tries again) Maybe if I lower my nose? (presses down and tries again) uuuhhh, no. I'm gonna have to wipe and lick. Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.
Showing posts with label Weight Watchers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Watchers. Show all posts
Friday, November 5
Tuesday, November 2
Brotherhood 2.0: March 9, 2007: Peeptastic!
(John is wearing a handmade T-shirt that says "Kurt is Made of Awesome") Good morning Hank, it's Friday March 9th. My eye's still kinda funny. Hank on Wednesday afternoon for some reason I went out and bought a lot of peeps and I decided to eat them as fast as I could. At the time I didn't know that we would be introduced to Kurt, the Punk-Rock Nerdfighter, so I thought that I would prove how awesome I was by eating Peeps faster than you. I mean, not that everything is a contest between us. And, not that I feel compelled to win each one of those contests. So, I gave myself 3 minutes to eat as many Peeps as possible. I would like to show the results from that experiment.
I've got a whole stack of Peeps. (voice over video of eating Peeps) Hank, I may not like the taste of Peeps, but I sure do like the taste of sugar, so in the beginning I found it very easy to eat the Peeps. As you can see they're going in one after another. After all I've been on Weight Watchers for eight weeks. This felt very good. It's only 10 points for 15 Peeps! And then as you can see I began to slow down a little. The Ghostbusters and the stay-puff marshmallow man had begun to war inside me. Soon the Peeps began to hurt. They began to expand inside my stomach, growing like so many slowly inflating balloons. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm upon switching to the pink Peeps. I thought maybe by switching to the pink Peeps I would be able to eat Peeps quickly and efficiently proving myself to be the greatest Peeps eater in the history of the Green family. But my enthusiasm was short lived.
Hank in the world of competitive eating there is a phrase: "the wall of fat". The wall of fat is the wall that your stomach hits, when it's trying to expand and then it runs up against your subcutaneous fat. Thin eaters like Takeru Kobayashi, The greatest competitive eater in history, don't have to worry about the wall of fat. But I'm not thin yet Hank. I'm still a heavyweight according to the international boxing federation. So I began to hit the wall of fat. At this point all of the Peeps I could eat were inside my mouth, but there was the small matter from getting them from my mouth into my belly. And as you can see that process took quite a long time. There was so much chewing to do. Every time I thought I had swallowed the end of the Peeps, there was more Peeps to eat. Do you see that Hank? That is exactly what Peeps puke looks like. How do I know? Wait. At this point I think I can maybe still hold down the Peeps, and I think I can hold down the Peeps and I think it can- ah, no I'm not going to hold down the Peeps.
(back to John talking) Hank, be grateful I didn't take the video camera into the bathroom with me. I had, what is known in competitive eating circles as "a reversal of fortune". Hank in the end I ate 12 1/2 peeps in 3 minutes. You ate 12 1/2 peeps in 6 minutes. Kurt ate 12 peeps in a minute and a half. Scientific conclusion: It's not possible to eat more than 12 1/2 peeps in a single sitting. I'll see on Monday.
(After Brotherhood 2.0 Logo) There is now a link at brotherhood2.com, that allows you to contribute to the brotherhood 2.0 Fund for Decreasing Suck-levels Worldwide. So please contribute and help us do something about suck.
Brotherhood 2.0: February 21, 2007: The Wikipedia in Your Mind
Good morning, Hank. It’s Wednesday, February 21st: Ash Wednesday. I hope that you’re going to church today. Just kidding, you heathen. What are you giving up for Lent, Hank? I’m giving up all foods that taste good. Oh, wait, I already, yeah, hmmm.
Hank, after watching your vlog entry yesterday, two separate commenters, Elizabeth and Carrie Jones, both said that it reminded them of the M. T. Anderson novel, Feed. So, Feed imagines this world where the internet is hardwired into your brain when you’re a baby, and the result of this is that you become sort of mindlessly consumeristic, as opposed to the current state of the world, wherein the internet is not hardwired into your brain and you become sort of mindlessly consumeristic.
Now, obviously, having the entire internet slash television hardwired into your brain when you’re an infant is a bad idea, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that having Wikipedia (pronounced wih kih pee dee uh) inside your brain is a bad idea. In fact, I would have to argue that having Wikipedia inside your brain would be sort of awesome. Uh, the only problem is that you don’t want to have a Wikipedia that can be edited by anyone inside your brain. Like, say that there’s a girl. (Talks off camera to The Yeti) What should we call the girl? Huh? Oh, Sarah! There’s a girl named Sarah.
The Yeti: I don’t know. Is the story good or bad?
John: Can you hear the voice of the yeti? Can you hear the voice of the yeti? She just spoke. Say there’s a girl named Sarah, and you really love her. And you think that she’s awesome and beautiful, and she just got a new haircut and it’s amazing, and, plus, you’re married to her. When you go to Wikipedia, and you type in “the yeti,” or “Sarah Green,” you should see a picture of Sarah and you should just be like, “Wow, is she awesome.” And then the Wikipedia entry will be about all the ways that she’s awesome and all the wonderful things that she’s done over the years and all of her amazing talents and that kind of thing.
Now, say that there’s another girl. Hmm…Julie Baskin, my fourth-grade girlfriend. And let’s say that Julie Baskin still holds a candle for me, which is perfectly possible because, let’s face it, I was a very charming fourth-grader. So, say that Julie Baskin goes in and edits the Wikipedia in my brain, and then when I go look up “the yeti,” it says “horrible monster who lives in the Himalayas, huge, hairy, terrifying!” Well, I don’t want to be married to a huge, hairy, terrifying, horrible monster, particularly not a possibly fictional one. So, all the sudden, I would stop loving Sarah, not because I don’t love her—of course I do!—but because Julie Baskin edited the Wikipedia in my mind.
So, it needs to be a Wikipedia that can only be edited by experts whom you trust. And that, of course, is the start of every dystopian novel, because then there’s the experts whom you trust, and they form the Revolutionary Council, and then all of the sudden you’re in Iran and they’re developing nuclear weapons. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Hank, after watching your vlog entry yesterday, two separate commenters, Elizabeth and Carrie Jones, both said that it reminded them of the M. T. Anderson novel, Feed. So, Feed imagines this world where the internet is hardwired into your brain when you’re a baby, and the result of this is that you become sort of mindlessly consumeristic, as opposed to the current state of the world, wherein the internet is not hardwired into your brain and you become sort of mindlessly consumeristic.
Now, obviously, having the entire internet slash television hardwired into your brain when you’re an infant is a bad idea, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that having Wikipedia (pronounced wih kih pee dee uh) inside your brain is a bad idea. In fact, I would have to argue that having Wikipedia inside your brain would be sort of awesome. Uh, the only problem is that you don’t want to have a Wikipedia that can be edited by anyone inside your brain. Like, say that there’s a girl. (Talks off camera to The Yeti) What should we call the girl? Huh? Oh, Sarah! There’s a girl named Sarah.
The Yeti: I don’t know. Is the story good or bad?
John: Can you hear the voice of the yeti? Can you hear the voice of the yeti? She just spoke. Say there’s a girl named Sarah, and you really love her. And you think that she’s awesome and beautiful, and she just got a new haircut and it’s amazing, and, plus, you’re married to her. When you go to Wikipedia, and you type in “the yeti,” or “Sarah Green,” you should see a picture of Sarah and you should just be like, “Wow, is she awesome.” And then the Wikipedia entry will be about all the ways that she’s awesome and all the wonderful things that she’s done over the years and all of her amazing talents and that kind of thing.
Now, say that there’s another girl. Hmm…Julie Baskin, my fourth-grade girlfriend. And let’s say that Julie Baskin still holds a candle for me, which is perfectly possible because, let’s face it, I was a very charming fourth-grader. So, say that Julie Baskin goes in and edits the Wikipedia in my brain, and then when I go look up “the yeti,” it says “horrible monster who lives in the Himalayas, huge, hairy, terrifying!” Well, I don’t want to be married to a huge, hairy, terrifying, horrible monster, particularly not a possibly fictional one. So, all the sudden, I would stop loving Sarah, not because I don’t love her—of course I do!—but because Julie Baskin edited the Wikipedia in my mind.
So, it needs to be a Wikipedia that can only be edited by experts whom you trust. And that, of course, is the start of every dystopian novel, because then there’s the experts whom you trust, and they form the Revolutionary Council, and then all of the sudden you’re in Iran and they’re developing nuclear weapons. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Brotherhood 2.0: February 13, 2007
High school students in a gym: Good morning, Hank!
More high school students: Good morning, Hank!
John: (off-camera) Perfect. You were supposed to say, “It’s Tuesday,” though. [laughter] So, let’s try it again, but this time say, “It’s Tuesday.” Ready? One, two, three.
High school students: It’s Tuesday!
(cut to airport) John: I’m in the airport in New York City.
More high school students: Good morning, Hank!
John: (off-camera) Perfect. You were supposed to say, “It’s Tuesday,” though. [laughter] So, let’s try it again, but this time say, “It’s Tuesday.” Ready? One, two, three.
High school students: It’s Tuesday!
(cut to airport) John: I’m in the airport in New York City.
(cut to another airport) Hank, I’m at the airport in Washington, D.C.
(in a hotel room) So, for some reason that I don’t understand, Penguin got me the couples’ Valentine’s special here at my hotel in Washington, D.C. So, last night, I was treated to a dinner where I got two entrees, two appetizers, and two desserts. [grimaces] Sorry, Weight Watchers.
(in another airport) And now I’m in the airport in Chicago. I know what you’re wondering, Hank. You’re wondering, “John, how are you getting from airport to airport? Are you using a hover-craft? Are you using movie magic?” No, I’m using airplanes, and that’s unfortunate because you know what? Airplanes hate snow. Most of the people here, uh, at the moment are, uh, cameramen asking people what it’s like that all the flights are being cancelled. So, I thought I would recreate one of those interviews.
John as a cameraman: So, how do you feel about all these delays?
John as a traveler: Umm, they suck.
John as a cameraman: Could you actually…could you…could you put my question back into your answer?
John as a traveler: Umm, all these delays…of my flight suck.
Hank, I’ve spent 12 of the last 40 hours inside of airports, and you may be wondering how I pass the time when I’m here. And the answer is simple. I’ve been hard at work on my 2007 Celebrity Death Pool Lineup. A Celebrity Death Pool is where you pick 24 people who you think will die in the next year. It’s really, you know, it’s like, it’s like good, clean fun. It’s a way that I can give back, you know? The key to playing the game and still being able to live with yourself is to pick people that you’re kind of rooting for, or at least that you’re okay with the idea. I mean, obviously, you never want anyone to die. But, if people have to, and from what I understand they do, they might as well be members of al-Qaeda. So, I’d like to say a preemptive goodbye to all those I hope we will be missing come January 1st, 2008.
(“Cotton,” by The Mountain Goats, begins. People shown are: Tomoji Tanabe; Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, Ariel Sharon, Doctor Kevorkian, Unrecognized, Fidel Castro, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Charlton Heston, Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden)
Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
(in a hotel room) So, for some reason that I don’t understand, Penguin got me the couples’ Valentine’s special here at my hotel in Washington, D.C. So, last night, I was treated to a dinner where I got two entrees, two appetizers, and two desserts. [grimaces] Sorry, Weight Watchers.
(in another airport) And now I’m in the airport in Chicago. I know what you’re wondering, Hank. You’re wondering, “John, how are you getting from airport to airport? Are you using a hover-craft? Are you using movie magic?” No, I’m using airplanes, and that’s unfortunate because you know what? Airplanes hate snow. Most of the people here, uh, at the moment are, uh, cameramen asking people what it’s like that all the flights are being cancelled. So, I thought I would recreate one of those interviews.
John as a cameraman: So, how do you feel about all these delays?
John as a traveler: Umm, they suck.
John as a cameraman: Could you actually…could you…could you put my question back into your answer?
John as a traveler: Umm, all these delays…of my flight suck.
Hank, I’ve spent 12 of the last 40 hours inside of airports, and you may be wondering how I pass the time when I’m here. And the answer is simple. I’ve been hard at work on my 2007 Celebrity Death Pool Lineup. A Celebrity Death Pool is where you pick 24 people who you think will die in the next year. It’s really, you know, it’s like, it’s like good, clean fun. It’s a way that I can give back, you know? The key to playing the game and still being able to live with yourself is to pick people that you’re kind of rooting for, or at least that you’re okay with the idea. I mean, obviously, you never want anyone to die. But, if people have to, and from what I understand they do, they might as well be members of al-Qaeda. So, I’d like to say a preemptive goodbye to all those I hope we will be missing come January 1st, 2008.
(“Cotton,” by The Mountain Goats, begins. People shown are: Tomoji Tanabe; Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, Ariel Sharon, Doctor Kevorkian, Unrecognized, Fidel Castro, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Charlton Heston, Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden)
Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Brotherhood 2.0: February 9, 2007
Good morning Hank, it's Friday, February 9th, and it's laundry day. (shows washer/dryer) You will note that we have the world's smallest washing machine. It was the only washing machine slash dryer that was ever designed exclusively for Lilliputians. Let's see how many clothes it will fit! One shirt, one pair of boxers, one pair of pants, two pairs of, wait, what's this? (pulls out a book) Oh, it's The Naked and the Dead in My Pants! Two socks, one pair of boxers, and, it's completely full, in fact it's kind of overstuffed. I might have to take out one of the socks.
Hank, I talked to Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss and it turns out that there's a huge gaping flaw in your mathematical theorem about old people and dying and banjo concerts. The problem is this: A 70 year old may live, on average, to be 83 years old, but that doesn't mean that a 71 year old is just as likely to die as an 82 year old; in fact the vast majority of people are going to die closer to 82 than they are to 71. If you want to see a person die at a banjo concert, the key is not to go to banjo concerts that feature older people, the key is to go to longer banjo concerts; like thirteen year long banjo concerts.
Hank, several Brotherhood 2.0 commenters have been asking three questions about my new book: "What's it called," "When is it going to come out," and "What's it about?" I am now happy to answer all of those questions, although I'm going to answer one of them with a long series of lies. The book is called Paper Towns, it will be published in September of 2008, it's about life in an orphanage in Imperial Japan in the 17th century. It's about the world origami championship of 2004. It's the story of a special boy and his special dog. I don't wanna ruin it for you, but the dog dies. It's about an ambiguously gendered child growing up in a Greek American family. It's about Hamlet. It's a historical novel in which I imagine the teenage years of Emily Dickinson. It's about a face that is half in the dark and half in the light. It's about coming to terms with the fact that even though sometimes even though you eat the points you're supposed to eat you still don't get less fat. It's about when the last ding dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will be one more sound, that of man's puny exhaustible voice, still talking. It's about a girl name Becca who has a very happy birthday!
Hank, I'll be watching you on Monday from lovely Washington, DC. See you then!
Hank, I talked to Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss and it turns out that there's a huge gaping flaw in your mathematical theorem about old people and dying and banjo concerts. The problem is this: A 70 year old may live, on average, to be 83 years old, but that doesn't mean that a 71 year old is just as likely to die as an 82 year old; in fact the vast majority of people are going to die closer to 82 than they are to 71. If you want to see a person die at a banjo concert, the key is not to go to banjo concerts that feature older people, the key is to go to longer banjo concerts; like thirteen year long banjo concerts.
Hank, several Brotherhood 2.0 commenters have been asking three questions about my new book: "What's it called," "When is it going to come out," and "What's it about?" I am now happy to answer all of those questions, although I'm going to answer one of them with a long series of lies. The book is called Paper Towns, it will be published in September of 2008, it's about life in an orphanage in Imperial Japan in the 17th century. It's about the world origami championship of 2004. It's the story of a special boy and his special dog. I don't wanna ruin it for you, but the dog dies. It's about an ambiguously gendered child growing up in a Greek American family. It's about Hamlet. It's a historical novel in which I imagine the teenage years of Emily Dickinson. It's about a face that is half in the dark and half in the light. It's about coming to terms with the fact that even though sometimes even though you eat the points you're supposed to eat you still don't get less fat. It's about when the last ding dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will be one more sound, that of man's puny exhaustible voice, still talking. It's about a girl name Becca who has a very happy birthday!
Hank, I'll be watching you on Monday from lovely Washington, DC. See you then!
Brotherhood 2.0: February 5, 2007
Hank, I'm at Duane Reade and I'm looking for the wax, but I don't know what aisle the wax is in. It's not with the make-up, it's not with the soap, it's with the hairbrushes.
Hank, I'm about to wax my chin. (to Yeti) What should I expect from this?
Yeti: Pain?
John: First we have to microwave the wax. (puts the wax in the microwave, closes door as Yeti then pushes the correct buttons) (sings) Dadum. Dadum. Dadumdadumdadum. Dodododo! Now I have to go wash my face! (John's washing his face while talking) I'm really worried, you've made it out to be so horrible. (focus in on John's unshaven face) The time has come, Hank. The wax is about to be applied! (wax is put on John's beard while a song plays, then the patch of cloth is put on) 1, (grabs cloth) I'm very scared. 1, 2, 3. (only pulls the cloth halfway off) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGOD!
(Yeti laughing softly) OHMYGOD. (looks at himself in the mirror) How did it not come off, I pulled so hard!
Hank, I'm about to wax my chin. (to Yeti) What should I expect from this?
Yeti: Pain?
John: First we have to microwave the wax. (puts the wax in the microwave, closes door as Yeti then pushes the correct buttons) (sings) Dadum. Dadum. Dadumdadumdadum. Dodododo! Now I have to go wash my face! (John's washing his face while talking) I'm really worried, you've made it out to be so horrible. (focus in on John's unshaven face) The time has come, Hank. The wax is about to be applied! (wax is put on John's beard while a song plays, then the patch of cloth is put on) 1, (grabs cloth) I'm very scared. 1, 2, 3. (only pulls the cloth halfway off) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGOD!
(Yeti laughing softly) OHMYGOD. (looks at himself in the mirror) How did it not come off, I pulled so hard!
Yeti: I'll do it...
(with renewed confidence, John grabs the cloth again) 1, 2, 3! Ohhhhahhh it can't come off! This is horrible! Oh my god, 1, can I pull slowly?
Yeti: No-
(John pulls it off and shows the camera the strip of cloth)
Yeti: You're bleeding...you're bleeding.
John: That sucked! (looks in mirror) (John with wax and strip of cloth on his chin again) Because I'm a hard worker and I believe in the project and I believe in Brotherhood 2.0, I'm going to try it one more time; but if I bleed again (shakes head) that's it. Oh god. It's much harder to do once you know how much it's going to suck. I mean last time I was like, oh, (mimics pulling off the strip) AHH; but this time I know how much it's going to hurt. (takes a deep breath) 1...oh god, I don't want to do it, oh god, 1, 2, 3. (pulls the strip off completely) (holds up the strip) See all the blood, you bastard? Hank, we're going to have to switch punishments, because this one makes me bleed! (points to chin)
(in living room again, holds up a bag of popcorn) 94 percent fat free popcorn, only two points on Weight Watchers for the entire bag, (holds up a bowl) mint chocolate chip ice cream, 13 points. I'm going to watch the mint chocolate chip melt while I eat my crappy popcorn. (eats popcorn while music plays) Thanks for giving me an alternative punishment, I'll see you tomorrow. (shows the melted bowl of ice cream)
Yeti: No-
(John pulls it off and shows the camera the strip of cloth)
Yeti: You're bleeding...you're bleeding.
John: That sucked! (looks in mirror) (John with wax and strip of cloth on his chin again) Because I'm a hard worker and I believe in the project and I believe in Brotherhood 2.0, I'm going to try it one more time; but if I bleed again (shakes head) that's it. Oh god. It's much harder to do once you know how much it's going to suck. I mean last time I was like, oh, (mimics pulling off the strip) AHH; but this time I know how much it's going to hurt. (takes a deep breath) 1...oh god, I don't want to do it, oh god, 1, 2, 3. (pulls the strip off completely) (holds up the strip) See all the blood, you bastard? Hank, we're going to have to switch punishments, because this one makes me bleed! (points to chin)
(in living room again, holds up a bag of popcorn) 94 percent fat free popcorn, only two points on Weight Watchers for the entire bag, (holds up a bowl) mint chocolate chip ice cream, 13 points. I'm going to watch the mint chocolate chip melt while I eat my crappy popcorn. (eats popcorn while music plays) Thanks for giving me an alternative punishment, I'll see you tomorrow. (shows the melted bowl of ice cream)
Brotherhood 2.0: January 26, 2007
(shot of crowd sitting in chairs) John: 1, 2, 3!
Crowd: Good morning Hank!
(John at home) It's... well, if yesterday was Thursday, and the day before yesterday was Thursday, then today must be...Thursday?
Crowd: It's Friday!
(John) Oh, okay, it's Friday, it's Friday, January 26th. Thanks to the George Bruce branch of the New York public library for participating. Let's get right to the survey.
(Yeti hand puppet, now wearing two eye cutouts) Puppet: Describe a perfect day.
John: I wake up in the morning, write four thousand words, Sarah comes home from school, we have a sushi dinner together, and then we read until it's time to go to bed. Oh, and The Office is on and I watch The Office and Pam and Jim hook up. YES!
Puppet: Assuming...I don't remember the words. (starts again) Assuming all things come to an end, how will humans go extinct?
John: Puppet, I'm with T.S. Elliot on this one; "Not with a bang, but with a whimper."
Puppet: So how're you feeling about kids these days?
John: I really want a baby. But where would we put one, Hank? Where are we going to fit a baby inside this apartment? Are we going to put it under the bed? I wanna have a baby. I wanna have a baby a lot, babies are adorable. I wanna have like sixteen of 'em, I want to have like a little army of babies!
Puppet: In this space, create your own question and answer it.
John: Puppet, the question is, "Pirates or Ninjas?" (vanishes, then reappears) Ninjas! I just like how fast they strike.
Puppet: What does Ambrosio taste like?
John: You know what Ambrosio tastes like? It tastes like all the things you can't eat on Weight Watchers. Cheeseburgers, sugar cookies, regular freaking ice cream instead of ice cream that's made out of, like, air and human hope.
Puppet: If you were a cliché, what kind of cliché would you be?
John: A dark and stormy night.
Puppet: What's your least favorite part of any given day?
John: I don't enjoy brushing my teeth.
Puppet: Do you enjoy Science Fiction?
John: I really like Kurt Vonnegut, um, and I also am a big fan of the short stories of Margo Lanagan.
Puppet: Cheese, or chocolate?
John: Why did you just name two things I can't eat anymore? God, that's so mean!
Puppet: What was your first concert?
John: I think it might have been The Cure, in 9th grade with Davon Razor. I did like The Cure a lot.
Puppet: Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
John: North Carolina.
Puppet: Would you prefer invisibility or time travel?
John: (with blanket over head) Well, as you can see I already have the gift of invisibility, I'm wearing my invisibility cloak right now, so I guess I would choose time travel.
Puppet: If you could start a business that would be instantly successful, what would it be?
John: A Malaria curing business? A We only sell novels by John Green store? Anyway, I'm not sure what the store would sell necessarily but it would definitely be called The Blind Assassin In your pants. I'm sorry, I can't stop myself. Thanks to all the commenters for your great ideas.
Puppet: What's wrong with the world?
John: I really think the big problem, is uh, people. You know, I mean puppets are a small problem, puppet; I mean I'm not going to let you guys off the hook entirely, but, but, people...we're the worst.
Puppet: Can I put this survey on my webpage?
John: You may. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.
Crowd: Good morning Hank!
(John at home) It's... well, if yesterday was Thursday, and the day before yesterday was Thursday, then today must be...Thursday?
Crowd: It's Friday!
(John) Oh, okay, it's Friday, it's Friday, January 26th. Thanks to the George Bruce branch of the New York public library for participating. Let's get right to the survey.
(Yeti hand puppet, now wearing two eye cutouts) Puppet: Describe a perfect day.
John: I wake up in the morning, write four thousand words, Sarah comes home from school, we have a sushi dinner together, and then we read until it's time to go to bed. Oh, and The Office is on and I watch The Office and Pam and Jim hook up. YES!
Puppet: Assuming...I don't remember the words. (starts again) Assuming all things come to an end, how will humans go extinct?
John: Puppet, I'm with T.S. Elliot on this one; "Not with a bang, but with a whimper."
Puppet: So how're you feeling about kids these days?
John: I really want a baby. But where would we put one, Hank? Where are we going to fit a baby inside this apartment? Are we going to put it under the bed? I wanna have a baby. I wanna have a baby a lot, babies are adorable. I wanna have like sixteen of 'em, I want to have like a little army of babies!
Puppet: In this space, create your own question and answer it.
John: Puppet, the question is, "Pirates or Ninjas?" (vanishes, then reappears) Ninjas! I just like how fast they strike.
Puppet: What does Ambrosio taste like?
John: You know what Ambrosio tastes like? It tastes like all the things you can't eat on Weight Watchers. Cheeseburgers, sugar cookies, regular freaking ice cream instead of ice cream that's made out of, like, air and human hope.
Puppet: If you were a cliché, what kind of cliché would you be?
John: A dark and stormy night.
Puppet: What's your least favorite part of any given day?
John: I don't enjoy brushing my teeth.
Puppet: Do you enjoy Science Fiction?
John: I really like Kurt Vonnegut, um, and I also am a big fan of the short stories of Margo Lanagan.
Puppet: Cheese, or chocolate?
John: Why did you just name two things I can't eat anymore? God, that's so mean!
Puppet: What was your first concert?
John: I think it might have been The Cure, in 9th grade with Davon Razor. I did like The Cure a lot.
Puppet: Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
John: North Carolina.
Puppet: Would you prefer invisibility or time travel?
John: (with blanket over head) Well, as you can see I already have the gift of invisibility, I'm wearing my invisibility cloak right now, so I guess I would choose time travel.
Puppet: If you could start a business that would be instantly successful, what would it be?
John: A Malaria curing business? A We only sell novels by John Green store? Anyway, I'm not sure what the store would sell necessarily but it would definitely be called The Blind Assassin In your pants. I'm sorry, I can't stop myself. Thanks to all the commenters for your great ideas.
Puppet: What's wrong with the world?
John: I really think the big problem, is uh, people. You know, I mean puppets are a small problem, puppet; I mean I'm not going to let you guys off the hook entirely, but, but, people...we're the worst.
Puppet: Can I put this survey on my webpage?
John: You may. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.
Brotherhood 2.0, January 22, 2007
(Shot of John's shirt with the words: Haikus are easy/ But sometimes they don't make sense/ Refrigerator)
Good morning, Hank, it's Monday, January 22nd. Thank you for this shirt. I love this shirt, and it is also an excellent motivator to continue losing weight. (whispers) It's a little tight!
(cut to John's face) Seriously it's my favorite shirt out of all the shirts I have ever owned. I was planning on starting the survey today, but unfortunately that's gonna have to wait until Wednesday. Hank, as you know I write books for teenagers, and the biggest award in the world of books for teenagers is this thing called the Printz Award, which is given out every year for literary excellence. Last night I received a call from the Printz Committee saying that my new book, An Abundance of Katherines, has been awarded a Printz honor for 2007. So, that was nice and really really unexpected.
Sarah didn't pick up the camera right when they called, but she picked it up shortly after. As a bonus you are about to hear the voice of the Yeti.
(cut to shot of John on phone) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, are you serious? Really? (pause) Hahahaha! They keep saying, they keep saying we're fucking serious. (The Yeti and John laugh) I can't believe it! Oh my God! Really? Wow! Wow! (pause with hand over mouth and shaking head) Oh my God, guys, I cannot, I can't believe this. Thank you guys so much, tha- thi- Wow. (happy jumping)
The Yeti: This is John's real Happy Dance.
(John no longer on phone) I'm just, like, all flustered. (dialing) I hope they're home.
The Yeti: They have phones.
John: I don't want to leave it in a message.
The Yeti: Yeah don't leave a message.
John: Hi it's John, Katherines got a Printz Honor, Katherines is one of the runners up for the Printz Awards, it gets the silver medal on it. I know! No, I'm serious. I can't believe it. Yeah, it's funny, we're recording it for the video blog, so it'll be hilarious on the blog. No I'm not shitting you, I I I am also, I am also surprised. (laughs) Oh my God, I can't believe it. Ah. No the committee, yeah the committee called me, they were very nice. They wouldn't tell me who won, though. Yeah, I can't believe it, so, pretty, pretty amazing, so yeah.
(Cut back to John not on phone) And finally Hank, I'd like to say thank you for the lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady John Green song, which is probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me in my whole entire life. And by nice, I mean hilariously mean. Why is it I equate niceness and hilarious meanness? Oh, right, it's from growing up in our family. I'll see you tomorrow.
Good morning, Hank, it's Monday, January 22nd. Thank you for this shirt. I love this shirt, and it is also an excellent motivator to continue losing weight. (whispers) It's a little tight!
(cut to John's face) Seriously it's my favorite shirt out of all the shirts I have ever owned. I was planning on starting the survey today, but unfortunately that's gonna have to wait until Wednesday. Hank, as you know I write books for teenagers, and the biggest award in the world of books for teenagers is this thing called the Printz Award, which is given out every year for literary excellence. Last night I received a call from the Printz Committee saying that my new book, An Abundance of Katherines, has been awarded a Printz honor for 2007. So, that was nice and really really unexpected.
Sarah didn't pick up the camera right when they called, but she picked it up shortly after. As a bonus you are about to hear the voice of the Yeti.
(cut to shot of John on phone) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, are you serious? Really? (pause) Hahahaha! They keep saying, they keep saying we're fucking serious. (The Yeti and John laugh) I can't believe it! Oh my God! Really? Wow! Wow! (pause with hand over mouth and shaking head) Oh my God, guys, I cannot, I can't believe this. Thank you guys so much, tha- thi- Wow. (happy jumping)
The Yeti: This is John's real Happy Dance.
(John no longer on phone) I'm just, like, all flustered. (dialing) I hope they're home.
The Yeti: They have phones.
John: I don't want to leave it in a message.
The Yeti: Yeah don't leave a message.
John: Hi it's John, Katherines got a Printz Honor, Katherines is one of the runners up for the Printz Awards, it gets the silver medal on it. I know! No, I'm serious. I can't believe it. Yeah, it's funny, we're recording it for the video blog, so it'll be hilarious on the blog. No I'm not shitting you, I I I am also, I am also surprised. (laughs) Oh my God, I can't believe it. Ah. No the committee, yeah the committee called me, they were very nice. They wouldn't tell me who won, though. Yeah, I can't believe it, so, pretty, pretty amazing, so yeah.
(Cut back to John not on phone) And finally Hank, I'd like to say thank you for the lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady John Green song, which is probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me in my whole entire life. And by nice, I mean hilariously mean. Why is it I equate niceness and hilarious meanness? Oh, right, it's from growing up in our family. I'll see you tomorrow.
Brotherhood 2.0: January 18, 2007
(fast-forwarded voice squeaks while John builds/ fails to build a house of cards)
(cut to John) Good morning, Hank. It's Thursday, January 18th. (Does Happy Dance) Yes!
If you're wondering why I'm doing my Happy Dance, it's because I lost three pounds this week! I'm only twelve pounds away from being a light-heavyweight according to the International Boxing Federation. Yes! (Does punch combo while breathing loudly)
Unfortunately I am also doing my sad dance. (Sad Dance) So I may have to extend my deadline by a couple of days which is particularly humiliating considering I shared it in public on our video blog, but I think I will definitely be done by Wednesday. Definitely by Wednesday! Definitely by Wednesday!!! DEFINITELY BY WEDNESDAY! Next Friday by the very latest.
Sometimes when I take a morning off from writing I like to go outside, walk through the park, and play this game. The game called who's outside on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
(sings with accompanying video)
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Funny doooog.
(cut to John) Good morning, Hank. It's Thursday, January 18th. (Does Happy Dance) Yes!
If you're wondering why I'm doing my Happy Dance, it's because I lost three pounds this week! I'm only twelve pounds away from being a light-heavyweight according to the International Boxing Federation. Yes! (Does punch combo while breathing loudly)
Unfortunately I am also doing my sad dance. (Sad Dance) So I may have to extend my deadline by a couple of days which is particularly humiliating considering I shared it in public on our video blog, but I think I will definitely be done by Wednesday. Definitely by Wednesday! Definitely by Wednesday!!! DEFINITELY BY WEDNESDAY! Next Friday by the very latest.
Sometimes when I take a morning off from writing I like to go outside, walk through the park, and play this game. The game called who's outside on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
(sings with accompanying video)
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Funny doooog.
(faster) Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Funny doooog.
Brotherhood 2.0: January 12, 2007
(takes sip of beer) Good morning Hank, it's Friday, January 12th. If you're wondering why I'm drinking a beer in the morning, it's because it's 12:15 in the morning, I have to get up early tomorrow so I'm doing the blog tonight. If you're wondering why I'm drinking Light beer instead of regular beer it's because I'm doing Weight Watchers. I don't like Weight Watchers. I'm tired of eating popcorn. They don't give you enough points! I need more points!
This video blog points is going to consist entirely of ideas. Misprinted business card utilization ideas: if you had a hole punch, a lot of patience, and a lot of dental floss, you could make Katherine a dress. You could eat them while discussing the political situation in Kenya. Since you just got married you could use them to write very terse thank you notes in very small hand-writing. You could use them to wall-paper every room in your dollhouse (everybody thinks you have a dollhouse now!)
Punishment ideas: I'm just going to pick punishment ideas from things that are currently in our living room. Several of our books would make excellent punishments. This is The Continuing History of Apocalypticism. It's 11 hundred pages long. It's pretty punishing. The person who fails to update has to send out a Christmas card next year, and the Christmas card has to include the picture of a baby, someone else's baby. Maybe Emmet Cloud's baby. The person who fails to update has to knit a scarf. That would suck. The person who fails to update has to eat one styrofoam peanut. And finally: Don't you think it would be a good punishment if you had to do your Happy Dance for three minutes and thirty seconds, but you could only do it in five second clips at a time, so you had to have a total of... ah jeez, it's too late to call Daniel, hold on. Seventy? I think? Seventy dances in seventy different locations? That'd be a pretty good punishment. Or maybe that should be a project? Maybe we could intersperse our Happy Dances. you do 35, I do 35. That has some appeal for me, any interest?
This video blog points is going to consist entirely of ideas. Misprinted business card utilization ideas: if you had a hole punch, a lot of patience, and a lot of dental floss, you could make Katherine a dress. You could eat them while discussing the political situation in Kenya. Since you just got married you could use them to write very terse thank you notes in very small hand-writing. You could use them to wall-paper every room in your dollhouse (everybody thinks you have a dollhouse now!)
Punishment ideas: I'm just going to pick punishment ideas from things that are currently in our living room. Several of our books would make excellent punishments. This is The Continuing History of Apocalypticism. It's 11 hundred pages long. It's pretty punishing. The person who fails to update has to send out a Christmas card next year, and the Christmas card has to include the picture of a baby, someone else's baby. Maybe Emmet Cloud's baby. The person who fails to update has to knit a scarf. That would suck. The person who fails to update has to eat one styrofoam peanut. And finally: Don't you think it would be a good punishment if you had to do your Happy Dance for three minutes and thirty seconds, but you could only do it in five second clips at a time, so you had to have a total of... ah jeez, it's too late to call Daniel, hold on. Seventy? I think? Seventy dances in seventy different locations? That'd be a pretty good punishment. Or maybe that should be a project? Maybe we could intersperse our Happy Dances. you do 35, I do 35. That has some appeal for me, any interest?
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