July 5th: The Regions Bank Freedom Blast

Good morning Hank, it's Thursday, July 5th. Hank, I don't know if you know this, but yesterday was America's big birthday, everybody was really excited about it, it was all over the news. And of course the way that we celebrate America's birthday is by pretending to have a war. Uh, if you don't think that we celebrate America's birthday is by pretending to have a war, listen to this (shot of explosions) That's me recording from a roof deck in downtown Indianapolis, Indiana. Hank, Indiana is one of those states where all fireworks are legal. Like, not just bottle rockets and the little things that spin and whippersnappers but also, uh, bombs.
Hank I've always believed that there's a very short list of people who should be able to own explosives. People who work in demolition, the Army, and- and of course Wiley Coyote. If you're not directly employed in the demolition business, or in the Armed Forces, or Wiley Coyote I cannot imagine a reason why you need to have a bomb! But the state of Indiana doesn't agree with me. They give rockets and bombs to pretty much anyone over the age of 18 who's able to convince a person at a fireworks stand that they aren't a terrorist.
Hank I will admit when I was younger fireworks used to make me feel patriotic, but now they just make me feel scared. (crouched) I mean look at me Hank, that was pretty much my posture for the entire evening. For God's sakes, there were bombs going off all around us and they were all being set off by drunk people. (shot of people) look at those guys! Those guys aren't demolition experts!
John (in video): That's coming at my head. OK, OK, OK, OK, I'm having some anxiety.
(image of goldfish spelling NerdFighters) Look Hank, goldfish Nerdfighters!
And then once the regular people were done firing off all of their fireworks, it was time for the government to fire off its fireworks. And Hank, here's where the evening got pretty fricken nuts. In Indianapolis there's a radio station, Q95 and if you tune to that radio station during the fireworks display they kind of play a soundtrack for the fireworks. It's like an officially sanctioned thing. The fireworks themselves are known as the Regions Bank Freedom Blast ha, I'm sorry, it's called the Freedom Blast, Hank, I mean, you can't make this crap up. And so the Freedom Blast has a soundtrack and fortunately the person that Sarah and I were with knew about this so we were able to listen to the soundtrack.
I hope you're ready to believe in America again, Hank, because what you're about to see and hear is going to change you. (fireworks with soundtrack) Wait, are they mashing up Neil Diamond with Martin Luther King? (fireworks with soundtrack) You aren't seriously mashing up Neil Diamond and Martin Luther King. (fireworks, and Martin Luther King can be heard with Neil Diamond) (John bangs head on table) Don't do that. You're embarrassing us! So Hank here's the long and short of it: last night we celebrated our independence by having a pretend war that was sponsored by a bank. Welcome to America. I'll see you tomorrow.