Brotherhood 2.0: Carbon Neutralizing Youtube

Good morning, Hank. It's Friday, April 20th. It occurred to me recently that Brotherhood 2.0 is, itself, as a video blog, contributing to global warming. I want to make Brotherhood 2.0 a carbon-neutral video blog. Unfortunately, Hank, in order to do that I'm going to have to use a lot of arithmetic. And, as you well know, arithmetic is not my specialty. After all, about 2 months ago, I calculated that each minute contained 100 seconds.
OK, Hank, let's get started getting carbon neutral. According to Youtube, Brotherhood 2.0 has received 116,419 views. Each video averages about 3:09, which is, according to my calculations, 189 seconds? So to start we're going to multiply 116,419 times 189, which is, of course, 8 gajillion? Uh, no. It's 22,003,191. Wow! People have spent 22,003,191 seconds watching Brotherhood 2.0. We're famous! In a related story, Americans need more hobbies.
But it's not just the amount of time people spend watching our videos, it's also the amount of time people spend commenting on our videos and talking about, you know, how much cuter you are than me. Not that I'm jealous, but I have noticed that you've showed up on some blogs as one of the five celebrities that certain people would like to do certain things with, whereas I have, you know, not showed up on those blogs. But that's ok, I mean, you know, it's not a competition.
But you also have to factor in the amount of time that we spend making the videos. So, according to my calculations, the entire Brotherhood 2.0 project has taken up 22,856,391 seconds of computer time. That's 6,348.99 hours. Hank, according to some random website I just found, the average computer uses 110 watts per hour while browsing the internet. So you multiply the number of hours times 110 and you get 698,389.7. But then in order to find kilowatts we have to divide by 1000. 698.4 kilowatts. In the US, the average kilowatt takes about 1.35 pounds of carbon to create. So, you multiply that 698 times 1.35, and then you find out that our videoblog has personally led to 942.8 pounds of carbon emissions.
Now I know what you're saying, Hank. 942 pounds, that's not that much. After all, the average American produces about 23,000 pounds of carbon. But Hank, that means that Brotherhood 2.0 is about 1/23 of the average American, and Brotherhood 2.0 isn't even a person. It's an idea! Let me put this into perspective for you. According to Dimensions Magazine, there have only been 21 people in all of human history who weighed more than Brotherhood 2.0's carbon emissions.
Hank, you remember how I said in an earlier video that Al Gore eats carbon emissions and then poops them out and when he poops them out they've been turned into gold? Well if we gave Al Gore all 942 pounds of Brotherhood 2.0's carbon emissions, and he ate it all, and he pooped it all out, and it all came out gold, and it weighed the same coming out as it did going in, and then we stole the money from Al Gore, and then donated it to Daniel Biss' campaign, Daniel would have $10,429,824.
That's the bad news, Hank. But you know what the good news is? According to CarbonFund.org in order to offset our 942 pounds of carbon, it's gonna cost us about $2.75. Yes! Jeez, at prices like this, lonelygirl15 could go carbon neutral! So Hank, I've donated our $2.75 to CarbonFund.org, making Brotherhood 2.0, through the month of April anyway, carbon neutral.
I'll see you on Monday, Hank

Brotherhood 2.0: April 16: Brotherhood of the Traveling Shirts

Good morning Hank, it's Monday April 16th. Friendly brotherly reminder: your taxes are due tomorrow. Hank, unfortunately I wasn't able to attend any of the Step It Up rallies and I'll tell you why. Instead of protesting carbon consumption, I was myself consuming carbon on a series of airplanes trying to get from San Antonio, Texas to New York City. I eventually got home but unfortunately by then all the Step It Up rallies were finished. I did, however, make a poster: (Shows poster, which says, handwritten on a piece of letter paper: STEP IT UP, CONGRESS! AND ALSO, STEP IT UP, SELF!)
I'm not very good at posters. Hank, just in case you can't read my scribbled handwriting, my poster says, "Step it up, Congress! And also, step it up, self!" Because I feel like I'm also not doing enough in the fight against climate change. And that's why, Hank, you may notice that today the video is a little darker than it usually is: it's because, for the next week, I'm not going to be using any kind of electricity that I don't absolutely have to use. The refrigerator is going to continue to run, my computer is going to continue to run when I need to use it, but I'm not going to use lights unless they are necessary as reading lights in the evening, and I'm not going to watch TV. Except for a couple of really important soccer games.
I'm also going to minimise my use of hot water, which is extremely difficult because, as you know, I like to take baths. Hank, throughout the week I'm going to be doing things to further reduce my carbon emissions, let me know if you have any ideas. Oh, and by the way, I loved your EcoGeek podcast, and look forward to more of them. -o be careful not to cut off the beginning of your sentences.
Guess what I got this weekend at the Texas Library Association convention? (Slowly reveals t-shirt saying NERD FIGHTER) Ooooh yeah! How awesome is this shirt, Hank? It's so awesome that when I looked on the Haines tag in the back it said that it's made out of 80% cotton, 10% polyester and 10% awesome. Thanks to Laura, pictured here, delivering the shirt.
Hank, unfortunately there's only one "Nerdfighter" shirt and I don't want you to be deprived of its awesomeness. So I'm going to propose a custody-sharing arrangement. I'm gonna send you the shirt now, and then maybe you can send it back to me around June or something and then I'll send it back to you, and you'll send it back to... It's kinda like the "Brotherhood of the Travelling Shirt".
After all Hank, what is brotherhood, if not sharing clothes? Remember, we always used to share clothes growing up. Remember that sailor suit that Mom made us? That was cool. That was really cool. Man, no wonder we were nerds.
And finally, Hank, I know this isn't necessarily a political video blog, but there is some Very Exciting Political News going on right now and I can't help but share it with you: Our resident mathematician, Daniel Biss, is running for state representative in the state of Illinois! We're gonna have a resident state representative! He'll be able to pass legislation that's helpful to brothers, and nerds, and Peeps, and video blogs.
His two most important issues? Raising the amount of funding we spend on education in Illinois, which is the 49th state in terms of education - Thank God for Mississippi! - and also cutting carbon emissions. Speaking of carbon emissions, I should shut off this video camera. Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) Oh, and P.S.: To make this sign? I used recycled paper. This is a page from my book, Hank, which I'm just beginning to seriously revise. That process is going to take several months. So expect me to become kind of moody until, say, September.

Brotherhood 2.0: March 29th: JUDGMENT FOR HANK

Good morning, Hank. It’s Thursday, March 29th, and I’m back home! Hooray hooray hooray! I know that my eye still looks jacked up and the fact of the matter is that it’s probably gonna look jacked up for a week or two. But hopefully the Nerd Fighters will understand.
Hank, I’ve got even more great news. Guess who I got an email from yesterday? You! Yes! Sucker! You accidentally included me on a list of people you sent an email to about Mom! Yes! You’re gonna get punished! Yes! Yes! (does Nerd Fighter sign) Yes!
I mean, I don’t mean to sound gleeful or anything. It’s just that I’ve had a hard week, and I look forward to you having a hard week next week. But how will I punish you? What should I do? Should I make you wax something? Should I make you sing something? Should I make you eat something? Should I make you snort something? Snorting is funny. Snorting is always funny.
In other news, Hank, when I saw your video yesterday I got to thinking about fishing boat proceeds and, specifically, whether or not you and I can possibly acquire some. I propose that by April of 2008 you and I have found a way to put some amount of fishing boat proceeds into our tax return. How hard can it be? I mean, ostensibly all you need is a fishing boat and then convince someone to give you some proceeds for the fishing boat, right? I’m not good at taxes.
(covers right eye, then left, continuing to alternate between the two) I still can’t see very good out of that eye. You know how Brotherhood 2.0 has a resident mathematician in Daniel Biss? I wish we had a resident ophthalmologist. Could someone get on that, please? 

Anyway, Hank, I need the help of the Nerd Fighters to figure out what your punishment is gonna be because at the moment I’m not feeling very creative. Mostly I’m feeling like touching my eye all the time. (close-up without his glasses) Be honest; do you think it looks better? Tell me the truth, ‘cause I really, really, really want it to get better.
So, help me help Hank get punished by leaving your suggestions in comments. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow, hopefully out of both eyes.

Brotherhood 2.0: March 2nd: Politics and Butt Explosions

Good morning, John. It’s Friday, March 2nd. You guys are all really mean. I mean, I love you, but you’re mean, kinda just like John. Okay, not all of you are mean. Otter and Maureen and couple of you guys were out there defending me. But, the people have spoken, and I await my punishment. One condition: please, nothing to do with earwax.
There’s been talk of us introducing more politics into Brotherhood 2.0, and this is not something I think we have a choice about. We’re both very politically active and interested people, and not talking about politics would be lying. And there’s no way we’re going to exclude that from our conversation. However, I’m with commenter milowent on this one. It’s too early to endorse anyone. Honestly, I mean, we don’t even know if the primary field is filled out, yet. What if there’s one candidate behind the scene whose name and politics and abilities are already well-known enough that he doesn’t have to announce early? (flashes to a picture of Al Gore) Someone who’s maybe waiting for the other primary candidates to finish ripping each other to shreds before he announces? (flashes to a picture of Al Gore) Someone who hasn’t been able to come up with a firm answer to the question, “Will you run for president?” for the last year and a half. I think we should wait and see. Plus, Dennis Kucinich’s wife is (flashes to picture of Kucinich and his wife) hot. Daniel Biss once said that she’s the one and only success that the Democratic party had in 2004. (flashes to a picture of their wedding) I could totally dig that as a first lady.
Finally, I wanted to share with you a few juicy bits of knowledge. First, commenter Scott says that he would like my punishment to be long and lasting and painful. I think I might hate commenter Scott. But, I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I have been living with ulcerative colitis. What does that mean? (farts) Well, if you’re wondering what it’s like, this advertisement, I think, sums it up fairly well. (holds up a newspaper, advertising movie called Hidden Fire: The Great Butte Explosion; covers the “e” in “butte” with his finger; says in a deep voice) Hidden Fire: The Great Butt Explosion.

Second, Liz S. says that myriad is one of her favorite words. And I wanted her to know that it comes from the Greek myriados, meaning ten thousand, and that I didn’t get you a wedding present, either.
So, apparently I look like people. First you say I look like this guy (image of The Proclaimers), then you say I look like this guy (image of male actor), then you say I look like this (image of Michelle Williams)…girl. I mean, Heath Ledger was in that movie. Maybe he asked her to get that haircut.
(with eight pictures of John Green taped to his face) Okay, this is extremely strange. I just wanted to say, (singing) I’m being John for a day 

I’m being John for a day. 

I live in New York and buy expensive jeans. 

I’m loved and adored by half dozens of teens. 

Oh, I’m being John for a day! (dances)
And, I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh! On Monday! I’ll see you on Monday.

Brotherhood 2.0: February 19, 2007

Daniel: Good morning, Hank. It’s Monday, February 19th: Presidents’ Day.
John: Hank, that was Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss. Daniel’s here because his brother Jonathan is playing a concert at Carnegie Hall. Oh, and speaking of concerts, I’ve had a lot of fun reading and listening to and watching all of the responses to your video survey. It turns out that our viewers, by and large, uh, had terrible taste in music when they were children. Let’s just go over some of their first concerts: - *NSync - Paula Abdul - Chicago - Huey Lewis and the News - The New Kids on the Block - The Spice Girls - The Oak Ridge Boys - La Toya Jackson
La Toya Jackson? Who goes to a La Toya Jackson concert? Did La Toya Jackson ever even make music? I thought she was just a stripper!

But a couple of our viewers’ first concerts were pretty frackin’ awesome. Lauren K. went to see The Dead Milkmen, one of our favorite bands, um, and she would definitely be the winner for awesomest first concert were it not for Christopher, whose first concert was at the state fair (laughs) hold on, hold on…and featured Weird Al Yankovic opening for the three remaining Monkees.
But the most disturbing thing about your first concert question is that two Brotherhood 2.0 viewers have apparently never been to a concert. Hank, I think it’s vitally important that we get Milica and Amy to a concert as soon as possible, and that’s why I’m proposing the creation of the Brotherhood 2.0 Concert Scholarship Fund for Milica and Amy and Also, Possibly, Other Brotherhood 2.0 Viewers Who Have Not Been to Concerts. (sigh) The name is unwieldy; I think we need to work on that. Anyway, I’m going to give $20 to this scholarship fund. I hope that you will match my pledge.
Hank, the other question I really liked was the question was the question about how you have to invent your own question and then answer it. I wanted to answer some of my favorite questions that other people posed.
Kelly Fineman asks, “If you could own a house anywhere in the world, other than the U.S., where would it be?” Ireland.
Allie Carter asks, “Is your new book going to be worth all the effort?” (shoulders slump, head sags, puts hands over face, looks extremely depressed)
And, finally, Laura asks, “Where is the weirdest place you’ve ever brushed your teeth?” Good question.
(“Monosyllabic Girl” by NOFX plays) (John brushes his teeth under a desk, John climbs into a trash bin on the street with toothbrush in his mouth and proceeds to keep brushing. John walks up the stairs from the subway brushing his teeth. John brushes his teeth in a tree. John slides and rolls down and a snowy hill while brushing his teeth, finishing by giving a thumbs-up sign at the camera.)

(back in apartment) Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: February 9, 2007

Good morning Hank, it's Friday, February 9th, and it's laundry day. (shows washer/dryer) You will note that we have the world's smallest washing machine. It was the only washing machine slash dryer that was ever designed exclusively for Lilliputians. Let's see how many clothes it will fit! One shirt, one pair of boxers, one pair of pants, two pairs of, wait, what's this? (pulls out a book) Oh, it's The Naked and the Dead in My Pants! Two socks, one pair of boxers, and, it's completely full, in fact it's kind of overstuffed. I might have to take out one of the socks.
Hank, I talked to Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss and it turns out that there's a huge gaping flaw in your mathematical theorem about old people and dying and banjo concerts. The problem is this: A 70 year old may live, on average, to be 83 years old, but that doesn't mean that a 71 year old is just as likely to die as an 82 year old; in fact the vast majority of people are going to die closer to 82 than they are to 71. If you want to see a person die at a banjo concert, the key is not to go to banjo concerts that feature older people, the key is to go to longer banjo concerts; like thirteen year long banjo concerts.
Hank, several Brotherhood 2.0 commenters have been asking three questions about my new book: "What's it called," "When is it going to come out," and "What's it about?" I am now happy to answer all of those questions, although I'm going to answer one of them with a long series of lies. The book is called Paper Towns, it will be published in September of 2008, it's about life in an orphanage in Imperial Japan in the 17th century. It's about the world origami championship of 2004. It's the story of a special boy and his special dog. I don't wanna ruin it for you, but the dog dies. It's about an ambiguously gendered child growing up in a Greek American family. It's about Hamlet. It's a historical novel in which I imagine the teenage years of Emily Dickinson. It's about a face that is half in the dark and half in the light. It's about coming to terms with the fact that even though sometimes even though you eat the points you're supposed to eat you still don't get less fat. It's about when the last ding dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will be one more sound, that of man's puny exhaustible voice, still talking. It's about a girl name Becca who has a very happy birthday!
Hank, I'll be watching you on Monday from lovely Washington, DC. See you then!

Brotherhood 2.0: January 15th

Good morning John, it's Monday, January 15th, and I'm sitting in front of the new Brotherhood 2.0 website which you can find at Brotherhood2.com. I'd appreciate any suggestions or comments. The podcast isn't quite working, but we'll get there.
Well, I'm feeling better. I'm not feeling great. But now I've got this voice, it's like not so much of a voice, it's just little popping noises. Aaaaaahh. One of the advantages is that I'm kind of a baritone now. I guess I'm usually a baritone, but maybe I'm a bass? Maybe I'm a bass now.
(sings low) Do not forsake me though you know I must spend...
So I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday. I had to walk up to the lady at the desk because I didn't know where they would keep this book, and I had to say, "I'm looking for a book, it's called We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families," and she said "That's catchy!" So I brought the book home, and then something interesting happened: (uses books as puppets and makes them fight, We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families beats Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. All the other ones then gang up on it, and squash it.)
So yeah, it didn't happen. Um, I'm not saying that the Brotherhood 2.0 book club is not a good idea, I'm just saying that right now I'm going to have to avoid your genocide book for a little while. And when I say a little while, I mean, like, less than a week. So I'll probably start it for Brotherhood 2.0 Friday.
Brotherhood 2.0 Agreement Moment! That's right, John and I agreed on something! I think it's a great idea for us for us to do our happy dances for three minutes and thirty seconds. That sounds like a perfect Brotherhood 2.0 project idea! I don't have Daniel Biss, but I do this. (calculator) It's what the University of Montana gave me for all of my hard work. 3.5 minutes times sixty seconds in a minute divided by five seconds per clip is 42 (shows calculator).
Now there are several amazing things about this idea: First, is that you got the math really, very wrong. Second remarkable thing about this idea is that Daniel Biss commented within like, three seconds of you posting the video and told you that you were wrong. It must be very convenient to have your own personal mathematician. I gotta get me one of those! Last, and most remarkable about this idea is that we now know the question. What are you talking about? Oh, sorry! Well, the answer to life, the universe, and everything is forty-two, right? So the question must be, "How many happy dance clips does it take to fill up a Brotherhood 2.0 segment?"
We really are doing some amazing things here.

I've been very impressed by the number and quality of Misprinted Business Card Utilization ideas. Thank you very much, I will be discussing those and other sundrys on Wednesday. John, I'll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: January 12, 2007

(takes sip of beer) Good morning Hank, it's Friday, January 12th. If you're wondering why I'm drinking a beer in the morning, it's because it's 12:15 in the morning, I have to get up early tomorrow so I'm doing the blog tonight. If you're wondering why I'm drinking Light beer instead of regular beer it's because I'm doing Weight Watchers. I don't like Weight Watchers. I'm tired of eating popcorn. They don't give you enough points! I need more points!
This video blog points is going to consist entirely of ideas. Misprinted business card utilization ideas: if you had a hole punch, a lot of patience, and a lot of dental floss, you could make Katherine a dress. You could eat them while discussing the political situation in Kenya. Since you just got married you could use them to write very terse thank you notes in very small hand-writing. You could use them to wall-paper every room in your dollhouse (everybody thinks you have a dollhouse now!)
Punishment ideas: I'm just going to pick punishment ideas from things that are currently in our living room. Several of our books would make excellent punishments. This is The Continuing History of Apocalypticism. It's 11 hundred pages long. It's pretty punishing. The person who fails to update has to send out a Christmas card next year, and the Christmas card has to include the picture of a baby, someone else's baby. Maybe Emmet Cloud's baby. The person who fails to update has to knit a scarf. That would suck. The person who fails to update has to eat one styrofoam peanut. And finally: Don't you think it would be a good punishment if you had to do your Happy Dance for three minutes and thirty seconds, but you could only do it in five second clips at a time, so you had to have a total of... ah jeez, it's too late to call Daniel, hold on. Seventy? I think? Seventy dances in seventy different locations? That'd be a pretty good punishment. Or maybe that should be a project? Maybe we could intersperse our Happy Dances. you do 35, I do 35. That has some appeal for me, any interest?

Brotherhood 2.0: January 10, 2007

Good morning Hank, it's Thur- what? What is today? It's Wednesday, January 9th? 10th? 10th. Boy I'm out of it.
(cuts to inside) Hi girls who are being used as objects to sell other objects! Sorry about the patriarchal oppression, good luck selling Dodge Caravans! I was inspired by your video blog yesterday to calculate my own carbon footprint, so I'm gonna go to BP.com and then do it, and then it's gonna be pretty boring so I'm gonna speed up the tape.
(I'm stickin to the Union plays)
Hank, I produce 16 tons of carbon a year. That is lower than the United States average of 18.58, but it's still really bad, 16 tons of carbon would fill three Olympic sized swimming pools. Global warming solution idea: What if we took a lot of Olympic sized swimming pools and we filled them with carbon and we shot them into space? Wouldn't that work? Can you shoot an Olympic sized swimming pool into space? Is there a way to condense the carbon dioxide into swimming pool sized shapes? Anyway, I think this could work, I don't understand why no one thought of it before.
I just read on the internet that it only costs 6 dollars per ton to get rid of your carbon footprint. Uhh, that means that it's only gonna cost me, like, I'm not very good at math, hold on, I'm gonna call Daniel. I dunno, he's not answering, maybe he's doing real math. *sigh* Hey, how's it goin? Is 21 minus eight fourteen? Oh, this is one of those this is one of those, like, abstract math jokes. It's funny you should say that because I'm actually recording this on a video blog right now because I have a question for you. What's sixteen times six? It's 96. Do you see how fast he did that? He doesn't have a calculator. 96. 96 dollars a year, that's what it would cost to offset my carbon consumption. Or my carbon production or whatever. If I pay Al Gore 96 dollars, I will not have any global warming attached to my name. I think you can pay him directly, I think you can just write him a check, and he just takes care of it. He does, he eats the carbon. That's exactly right, that's how he does it, he eats the carbon. And then when he poops it out its actually political gold.

Brotherhood 2.0: January 8, 2007

Good morning Hank, It's Monday, January 8th. Sarah and I are about to drive out of Asheville, on our way to Birmingham, Alabama. I know you're gonna be here soon, but in the meantime I thought you should enjoy how pretty it is. We're going down the dirt road on the way to the other dirt road that leads away from Mom's house. And Dad's house! Sorry Dad, Jeez. I would like to congratulate you on successfully completing the Strawberry Hill challenge, except that you didn't complete it! Drinking Sutterhome wine when you've been challenged to drink Strawberry Hill is like slow dancing with Teddy Ruxpin when you've been challenged to wrestle a grizzly bear. Sutterhome may be terrible, but at least it's derived from grapes. Strawberry Hill isn't made out of grapes. It's made out of strawberries. Just kidding, it's made out of apple wine, malt, red die, and the fires of hell.
Hank, as you know, I had surgery on my mouth a few weeks ago. After they sewed my gum back into my mouth, my mouth tasted like cement, and blood, and burnt meat. And you know how after any dental procedure they make you drink that, like, green, gross, minty alcoholy stuff and then spit? Strawberry Hill tast- *achoo*
That was the Yeti!
Strawberry Hill tastes exactly like that spit. (To Yeti) Do you think I'm funny? Am I trying too hard? When? The whole time? Teddy Ruxpin? It's just you get that way around the camera.
So Hank, today is a very significant day, and I'll tell you why, it's January 8th and the first draft of my new novel is due on January 21st. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I know a couple, so I called Daniel Biss and he told me that January 21st is only 13 days away. Aside from the problem of actually finishing the book, which is, admittedly, a pretty serious problem, there's the problem that it doesn't have a title. I would feel a lot better if I actually had a title for the novel, so that I could say, you know, in ten days I have to turn in the first draft of my new novel, The Babysitter's Club 26: Claudia's Sad Goodbye.
I've been thinking of using either Shakespeare or The Bible. You've got a lot of great Shakespearean titles over the years, like: Infinite Jest, The Dogs of War, Brave New Word, In Cold Blood. And there're also a lot of great Bible titles like: East of Eden, Song of Solomon, or Rich Dad Poor Dad. Of course in the Biblical version of Rich Dad Poor Dad, rich dad gets turned into a pillar of salt and uh poor dad is exalted above all others. Anyway Hank, I'm hopeful you'll be able to come up with a title for me.
Project idea: Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club. I'll read a book you suggest if you read a book I suggest. My first suggestion? Either What is the What by Dave Eggers or We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch.