Brotherhood 2.0: February 15, 2007

A bunch of high school students: Good morning, Hank! It’s Thursday!
John: Hank, after a long delay because of snow in Columbus, Ohio, I finally reached Houston, Texas, where, by the grace of God, it is not snowing. There was one really cool thing about the Columbus airport, though. They had Nerd Fighters! (shot of the Nerd Fighters game) Nerd Fighters!
Here’s my question about Nerd Fighters: Is Nerd Fighters a game about people who fight against nerds, or is it a game about nerds who fight against other people? I’ve come to believe that Nerd Fighters is a game about nerds who fight. Nerds who tackle the scourge of popular people. And I’ve been thinking to myself: this would be a great video game! It could be, like, a mix between Mortal Kombat and Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. Like, first you pick your character. Everyone would totally have their own special powers. Like, the band geek would be like, “I will destroy your ears with my tuba!” And the theatre guy would be like, “I am an expert at sword-fighting!” And the English nerd would be like, umm, “I know a lot of Shakespeare quotes!” Using the English nerd when you’re playing Nerd Fighters is kind of like using Toad when you’re playing Super Mario Kart.
So you would pick your Nerd Fighter and then you would go to war with popular people. The Mike Tyson of the game would be the quarterback of the high school football team. And you’d have to dodge his uppercuts (dodges) and dodge his uppercuts and dodge his uppercuts and then jab! I mean, to be honest, I’ve never even really understood the war between nerds and popular people. Like, who do…who do…who do you guys got?

Glasses off, not a nerd: Umm…we’ve got George W. Bush and, like, Tom Brady.
Nerd: Oh, okay. Well, I see your George W. Bush with Bill Clinton, and I raise you an Abraham Lincoln and a Franklin Delano Roosevelt. And, I can easily see your Tom Brady with the thinking man’s football player, Tiki Barber, and I think I can raise you, hmm, an Isaac Newton, a William Shakespeare, a Blaise Pascal, an Albert Einstein, an Immanuel Kant, an Aristotle, a Jane Austen, a Bill Gates, a Mahatma Ghandi, a Nelson Mandela, and all four Beatles.
We win! And yet, Hank, the war continues. You know what we need for Nerd Fighters? We need a theme song:
(singing) We’ve got calculators and trombones.

We’ve got D&D and Star Wars drones. 

They’re in their original box, too, which makes them a lot more valuable. 

Nerd Fighters! We’re fighting nerds! [flexes arms] 

We’re no longer just using our words. 

Although, by and large, we are really articulate, so

When I’m not watching Battlestar Gallactica, 

I’m designing weapons that’ll kick your asstica. 

Nerd Fighters! We fight within our brains! 

Nerd Fighters! We bring the frakkin’ pain. 

It’s a reference to a sci-fi show. I don’t know…

I mean, maybe you never saw it, but it was really…

it was a really good show. 

Umm, I liked it a lot, umm, and some of my friends liked it. 

I mean, not…they’re not real friends. 

I just know them on the Internet.
(after the Brotherhood 2.0 logo) Hank, now that you’ve successfully completed the Strawberry Hill challenge, I fell like it’s time that we had some more challenges. So maybe you or our viewers can start suggesting some.

Brotherhood 2.0: January 8, 2007

Good morning Hank, It's Monday, January 8th. Sarah and I are about to drive out of Asheville, on our way to Birmingham, Alabama. I know you're gonna be here soon, but in the meantime I thought you should enjoy how pretty it is. We're going down the dirt road on the way to the other dirt road that leads away from Mom's house. And Dad's house! Sorry Dad, Jeez. I would like to congratulate you on successfully completing the Strawberry Hill challenge, except that you didn't complete it! Drinking Sutterhome wine when you've been challenged to drink Strawberry Hill is like slow dancing with Teddy Ruxpin when you've been challenged to wrestle a grizzly bear. Sutterhome may be terrible, but at least it's derived from grapes. Strawberry Hill isn't made out of grapes. It's made out of strawberries. Just kidding, it's made out of apple wine, malt, red die, and the fires of hell.
Hank, as you know, I had surgery on my mouth a few weeks ago. After they sewed my gum back into my mouth, my mouth tasted like cement, and blood, and burnt meat. And you know how after any dental procedure they make you drink that, like, green, gross, minty alcoholy stuff and then spit? Strawberry Hill tast- *achoo*
That was the Yeti!
Strawberry Hill tastes exactly like that spit. (To Yeti) Do you think I'm funny? Am I trying too hard? When? The whole time? Teddy Ruxpin? It's just you get that way around the camera.
So Hank, today is a very significant day, and I'll tell you why, it's January 8th and the first draft of my new novel is due on January 21st. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I know a couple, so I called Daniel Biss and he told me that January 21st is only 13 days away. Aside from the problem of actually finishing the book, which is, admittedly, a pretty serious problem, there's the problem that it doesn't have a title. I would feel a lot better if I actually had a title for the novel, so that I could say, you know, in ten days I have to turn in the first draft of my new novel, The Babysitter's Club 26: Claudia's Sad Goodbye.
I've been thinking of using either Shakespeare or The Bible. You've got a lot of great Shakespearean titles over the years, like: Infinite Jest, The Dogs of War, Brave New Word, In Cold Blood. And there're also a lot of great Bible titles like: East of Eden, Song of Solomon, or Rich Dad Poor Dad. Of course in the Biblical version of Rich Dad Poor Dad, rich dad gets turned into a pillar of salt and uh poor dad is exalted above all others. Anyway Hank, I'm hopeful you'll be able to come up with a title for me.
Project idea: Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club. I'll read a book you suggest if you read a book I suggest. My first suggestion? Either What is the What by Dave Eggers or We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch.