Good morning Hank, it's Monday, March 5th, and I am coming to you from the Yeti’s childhood bedroom. I’m sure that you’ve been thrilled to see the Free Hank movement that’s been going on in the comments. There have been posters (shows a group of rioters with a poster with Hank on it that says, “Free Hank”) and there have even been t-shirts (shows a white t-shirt with an screen print of Hank that says “Free Hank Green”).
Hank, it just goes to show what a vocal minority can do, they can make it seem like you didn’t do anything wrong at all. Like, we’re crazy to think that it was textual communication when you said “See you tomorrow” in text, when you were communicating with me. They'll just be like, “Free Hank”, because we said so; and the rest of us will be all like, “Well, we didn’t make t-shirts saying ‘Punish Hank’, (shrugs) so maybe we should free Hank.” No we shouldn’t free Hank. You committed a punishable offense and ye shall be punished.
However, ye vocal community that is the “Free Hank” movement has gotten me to thinking that maybe my punishment for you shouldn’t be so mean, as your punishments for me have been. So Hank, here’s your punishment; there’s the part that you’ll like: Peeps, and the part that you’ll hate: spending money. First, you will purchase 100 full sized Peeps, they can be pink, they can be yellow, they can be green, they can be whatever color you want, but they must be full-sized, and there must be 100 of them. According to the Internet, that’s going to cost you approximately $19, which I realized will be significantly more painful than waxing your chin, but I’m just getting started.
Then, in a six-minute period, you will eat as many Peeps as you can. Now, Hank, remember, I don’t want anyone to die during Brotherhood 2.0, it’s easy to aspirate on Peeps, please take your time, make sure you chew. Once the six-minute period has ended, you will count the Peeps you have not eaten, you will then distribute those Peeps to worthy recipients in the city of Missoula. Now here’s the catch, however many Peeps you don’t eat in that six-minute period, you will contribute that many dollars to a new bank account that I have set up. The bank account will be known as the Brotherhood 2.0 Fund For Decreasing Suck Levels Worldwide, formerly known as the Brotherhood 2.0 Malitsa and Amy Concert Fund. Hank, we will use your contribution to this fund, and future contributions from us and possibly our viewers in order to increase the overall level of worldwide Awesomeness. For instance, maybe we’ll send Malitsa to a concert, and then after that, maybe we’ll help cure Malaria.
Hank, you can look at this as a punishment, but you can also look at is as a project. We’re starting something here, something important, something that is going to allow us to decrease the overall level of the World Suck. How much are we going to decrease Suck levels? That depends on how many Peeps you eat. I’ll see you tomorrow.
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