Our story today is called, (The rest of the story is narrated by John, while Hank illustrates)
“Everyone poops in my pants,” by Hank Green. Image: The title and author, a guy with glasses frowning, and some pants with stink lines rising from the butt area.
My name is Hank, and I have a small problem. Everyone poops in my pants. Image: Hank’s drawing of himself, complete with glasses and messy hair. He’s wearing a shirt that reads, “MTX.” and is waving.
Each morning, I wake up and dozens of people surround my house, chanting, “What do we want to poop in?” “Hank’s pants!” “When do we want to poop in them?” “Now!” “Hey, hey, ho, ho, into Hank’s pants we gotta go! Hey, hey, ho, ho, into Hank’s pants we gotta go…poop.” Image: Hank’s face at the top, talking. Hank is also lying in bed inside his house, a crowd appears outside. The crowds say the chants.
Now, I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, “Hank, I believe that many people have pooped in your pants, but I remain unconvinced that everyone has pooped in your pants. Image: Hank’s face, with index finger raised in a sign of pause, and some smelly pants.
And that is true enough. For instance, many poor people haven’t pooped in my pants because they lack the resources to fly to Montana. And many babies haven’t pooped in my pants because they’re too busy pooping in their own. Image: Hank’s face, some people looking sad as an airplane flies over their head, and the midsection of a baby, complete with smelly diaper.
I’m just saying that, statistically an improbably large number of people have pooped in my pants. My mom, my dad, and my brother John have all pooped in my pants. Image: Hank’s face, looking a little sorry for us. Drawings of his mom and dad and John
Kirsten Dunst was wearing, and pooping in, my pants during the entire filming of Spiderman 2. Image: Hank’s face, explaining this all to us. Kirstin Dunst’s picture, saying, “I’m pooping in Hank’s pants right now!” “And it’s goooood.”
The entire Liverpool Football Club pooped in my umbros immediately after winning the 2005 UEAFA cup. Image: A picture of the Liverpool Football club shouting, “Who gots to poop in Hank’s pants? WE DO!” and some stinky umbros.
German novelist Gunter Gras pooped in my pants while wearing his Nobel prize. image: Hank’s face looking slightly unnerved. Gras with a pipe, a mustache, and a medal that reads, “No Bell!” He’s saying, “Ja pumpte ich in seinen Hoten aus.”
German novelist Gunter Gras pooped in my pants while wearing his Nobel prize. image: Hank’s face looking slightly unnerved. Gras with a pipe, a mustache, and a medal that reads, “No Bell!” He’s saying, “Ja pumpte ich in seinen Hoten aus.”
Stephen Daedalus is just one of the many fictional characters that have nonfictionally pooped in my nonfictional pants. Image: A picture of the Penguin Classics publication of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce.
Al Roker had my pants tailored to fit him…and then pooped in them. Image: Hank’s face looking downright disgusted. Al Roker, holding his very large pants up to demonstrate his weight loss, saying, “I had to make room for all my poop.”
Al Roker had my pants tailored to fit him…and then pooped in them. Image: Hank’s face looking downright disgusted. Al Roker, holding his very large pants up to demonstrate his weight loss, saying, “I had to make room for all my poop.”
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in 1924, but has nonetheless pooped in my pants. Image: A picture of Lenin shouting to crowds, “I traveled through time to poop in these pants!”
George W. Bush is so incompetent that he failed to poop in my pants, although he did poop near my pants, and then later claimed that he had never intended to poop in my pants and that no one in his administration had ever talked about pooping in anyone’s pants! Having seen his poop I can report that it looks exactly like bullshit. Image: Hank’s face looking mad, some pants, and a pile of poop next to them.
George W. Bush is so incompetent that he failed to poop in my pants, although he did poop near my pants, and then later claimed that he had never intended to poop in my pants and that no one in his administration had ever talked about pooping in anyone’s pants! Having seen his poop I can report that it looks exactly like bullshit. Image: Hank’s face looking mad, some pants, and a pile of poop next to them.
Wow, those guys must be selling the president’s war plan! Image: YouTube page of John’s February 7th video: a picture of a sign that reads, “Guess what we got in a bag…cow shit.”
People often ask me, “Hank, does it bother you that everyone poops in your pants?” Yes, it does! Sometimes something great will happen. Like, the other day, Barack Obama came by, and he pooped in my pants. And his poop kinda made me believe in America again. Image: Hank looking sad, and Barack Obama looking nobly towards a pair of stinky pants.
But mostly, I dislike having people poop in my pants. But everyone has a cross to bare. Image: Hank’s face looking kind of miserable.
People often ask me, “Hank, does it bother you that everyone poops in your pants?” Yes, it does! Sometimes something great will happen. Like, the other day, Barack Obama came by, and he pooped in my pants. And his poop kinda made me believe in America again. Image: Hank looking sad, and Barack Obama looking nobly towards a pair of stinky pants.
But mostly, I dislike having people poop in my pants. But everyone has a cross to bare. Image: Hank’s face looking kind of miserable.
Some people have chronic back pain. Image: A man grasping his back in pain.
Some people are on Team Karen. Image: A picture of Karen from “The Office” (USA)
Some people are Republicans. Image: A map of the red and blue states, turned on its side so that the East coast is at the top and the West coast is at the bottom.
Me, I just happen to have pants into which people really like to poop. It could certainly be worse.\
It’s like Monty Python member Eric Idle once told me while he was pooping in your pants. Image: Hank’s face looking relieved. A nude Eric Idle pooping into pants.
It’s like Monty Python member Eric Idle once told me while he was pooping in your pants. Image: Hank’s face looking relieved. A nude Eric Idle pooping into pants.
Song clip from Eric Idle’s “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” originally sung in The Life of Brian. There are music notes drawn around the words.
On screen, with no narration, appear the words: “Well, that was an odd way to spend a Sunday afternoon…Anyway…I’ll see you tomorrow.” Hank’s face and stinky pants also appear.
On screen, with no narration, appear the words: “Well, that was an odd way to spend a Sunday afternoon…Anyway…I’ll see you tomorrow.” Hank’s face and stinky pants also appear.
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