Billy (Hank in cowboy hat, sitting on the right side of a couch, weird voice): Good morning, Mr. Green.
Hank: Susie,
Susie (Hank in girl’s hat, sitting in the middle of the couch, girly Southern voice): Morning, Mr. Green.
Hank: And Tony.
Tony (Hank in backwards baseball cap, slouching on the left side of the couch): ‘Sup, dude?
Hank: Now as we all can see, this weekend I underwent a campaign to decrease the weight of my head. In order to do this, I had several thousand things removed from my head. Now, most of those things, as you might guess, were hairs. But some of them were not. Class, can you guess what else, besides hair, I had removed from my head?
Billy: Ooh! Me! Me! (raising his hand)
Hank: Yes, Billy.
Billy: Boogers and snot.
Hank: Actually, yeah. I mean, I… I hadn’t act…I hadn’t thought of that. But, yeah, I did take some boogers and snot out of my nose.
Susie: (raising her hand) Mr. Green?
Hank: Alright, Miss Susie.
Susie: When my momma came out of jail; she had almost all of her teeth taken out.
Hank: (groans) Susie, I think that all of us, together, if we can practice good oral hygiene, we can avoid such problems. No, I didn’t have any teeth taken out, but good guess!
Tony: (raises hand) Yeah, okay.
Hank: Tony?
Tony: I’m gonna guess… earwax?
Hank: Umm, yeah. So, as Tony somehow guessed, I had a large amount of earwax removed from my head this weekend. And I am guessing that its mass was considerably more than the mass of hair that I had removed from my head, and so, indeed, was an effective measure in the fight to make my head weigh less. Also, the removal of the earwax ensured that I could hear again, which is very nice. Now, I actually managed to smuggle my video camera into the doctor’s office, and asked the doctor if I could record the procedure. And he said no. Using my wily ways, I convinced the doctor that it was, indeed, a good idea to call the attendant out from the lobby and record me getting my ear irrigation. I have to warn you that some of this footage may be disturbing and may indeed induce nausea. I will give warnings at appropriate times for you to close your eyes.
(inside the doctor’s office)
Doctor: Want to do some videotaping of the ear irrigating? (while looking in Hank’s left ear) He’s got some serious impaction.
Hank: Let’s make it seem as severe as possible.
Doctor: (with a large syringe in his hand) Pardon me. (injects liquid into Hank’s ear, while Hank laughs nervously and holds a small pink container to his ear)
Hank: Okay. Ay-ay-ay! Something- happened. (back at home) That something that just happened was the earwax popping off my tympanic membrane.
Doctor: Uh, it's workin it's way out. It’s huge!
Hank: Oh, This is exciting.
Doctor: Oh, look at the birth!
Hank: (back at home) Now, it’s starting to get gross, so those who are a little bit squeamish might want to close their eyes. (in the doctor’s office, close-up on Hank’s ear, the doctor prods a large chunk of earwax with the tip of the syringe) Oh, I’m really glad that I’m going to be able to see this. (at home) You’re reaching the penultimate grossness, so you should definitely close your eyes now. (in the office) You guys could be more disgusting; that would be fine. (the doctor pulls out a huge amount of earwax) (at home) Okay, you guys can open your eyes now. (in the office) Oh, my God, I can hear.
(at home, Hank rubs his ear) Seriously, that was an amazing experience. I feel like that was almost a challenge that you should have given me. Like, go to the doctor’s office and have something horrible done to you and videotape it. So, while I’m feeling like I just did a challenge, I’m gonna give you one. (scratches inside of right ear) I wonder if this one’s a little gummy? Maybe I should go back in.
Susie: So, John, I challenge you to find a hat like Miss Susie’s and, while wearing it, eat one teaspoon of horseradish, and then sing the last two lines to the theme song to Blossom.
Billy: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Hank: Oh, This is exciting.
Doctor: Oh, look at the birth!
Hank: (back at home) Now, it’s starting to get gross, so those who are a little bit squeamish might want to close their eyes. (in the doctor’s office, close-up on Hank’s ear, the doctor prods a large chunk of earwax with the tip of the syringe) Oh, I’m really glad that I’m going to be able to see this. (at home) You’re reaching the penultimate grossness, so you should definitely close your eyes now. (in the office) You guys could be more disgusting; that would be fine. (the doctor pulls out a huge amount of earwax) (at home) Okay, you guys can open your eyes now. (in the office) Oh, my God, I can hear.
(at home, Hank rubs his ear) Seriously, that was an amazing experience. I feel like that was almost a challenge that you should have given me. Like, go to the doctor’s office and have something horrible done to you and videotape it. So, while I’m feeling like I just did a challenge, I’m gonna give you one. (scratches inside of right ear) I wonder if this one’s a little gummy? Maybe I should go back in.
Susie: So, John, I challenge you to find a hat like Miss Susie’s and, while wearing it, eat one teaspoon of horseradish, and then sing the last two lines to the theme song to Blossom.
Billy: I’ll see you tomorrow.
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