Good morning Hank, it's Thursday, congratulations on your song yesterday. It was your best song ever.
Hank, a couple months ago I did a video that was about, like, a day in the life of a writer. And it was me, and Scott Westerfeld and Maureen Johnson, hanging out in a hotel room and writing. And that was really fun. So I thought I would do a follow up called A Day in the Life of a Writer, uh, Who Doesn't Have Any Friends. So now that I've moved to Indianapolis what happens every morning is that I get up and I sit down in this chair, or possibly outside, and the first thing that I do is, uh, I listen to, uh, your song.
(Accio Deathly Hallows plays) God that's a good song. So after I've listened to your song I spend about 30 minutes missing my old writing friends from New York. So I'll say to myself, I wonder what Scott and Jacine are doing today? They're probably having fun. Probably having a fancy lunch. Maureen's just gotten back from England, I bet she's having some fun. Probably writing a funny blog post. I wish they were here. It's kind of boring. This room echoes. Echo. Echo. I'm lonely lonely lonely lonely (mimics echo)!
Hank, after all of my warm up is over I proceed to do, uh, this: (types). And that goes on for about seven hours. The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing it well or doing it poorly it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.
Today I've been working on a part of my new novel that's about a hundred and fifty pages in, but I thought just for fun, I might read you the prologue, since people in My Pants have been spending so much time debating what my book is about, I thought maybe I would give them the slightest hint.
The way I figure it, everyone gets a miracle. Like, I will probably never be struck by lightning, or become the dictator of a small nation in the Pacific islands, or contract terminal ear canal cancer, or spontaneously combust. But if you consider all the unlikely things together, at least one of them will probably happen to each of us. Admittedly the world contains a lot of people. But it also contains a lot of unlikelihoods. I could have seen it rain frogs in my home town. I could have stepped foot on Mars. I could have been eaten by an Orca. I could have married the Queen of England, or survived months at sea. But my miracle was different. My miracle was Margo.
Hank I'll see you tomorrow, and since I won't have a chance to speak to you again until you're finished with Harry Potter, I just wanted to say I hope it lives up to your every expectation. I mean if the book is as good as the song you wrote, then it's gonna be one heck of a book.
Showing posts with label Maureen Johnson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maureen Johnson. Show all posts
Monday, November 8
Friday, November 5
Brotherhood 2.0: June 4th: The First Nerdfighter Wedding!
Bride: Good morning Hank!
Groom: Good morning Hank!
Bride: Hi Hank! We're getting married!
About a second after Phyllis said that she looked at me and said, well, I guess he could have gathered that we're getting married. And indeed, that's an awfully nice dress to wear to a cocktail party. But anyway, thanks to Brotherhood 2.0 viewers, and my cousins-in-law, Phyllis and Blake for their introductions.
Hank, it was a weekend of crowds. First I was at Book Expo America, probably the biggest book thing in the country, and it was extremely crowded.
(shot at Book Expo) But Hank, you wanna know the great thing about Book Expo?
Maureen (jumps in): Hi Hank!
Free books! Free books every where, you can take as many as you'd like. As long as you're subtle about it. (Scott takes stack of 5)
(at home) Thanks to Maureen Johnson and Scott Westerfeld's hand for their cameos. But Book Expo isn't all about collecting books, it's also about collecting comic books. For you, Hank. Look, manga! I even got you a poster! Plus I got some other shweet shwag that I'm gonna be giving away on the Brotherhood 2.0 forum just as soon as you launch it.
(at Book Expo) Hank look it's Harry Potter! In bag form!
(home) I got home, went to bed, got up at 4:15, and flew to Decatur, Alabama.
(in hotel) About a month ago I was wearing my seersucker suit ironically, today I'm wearing it non-ironically.
(home) Hank this was my first time watching two Brotherhood 2.0 viewers get married, and let me tell ya it's a magical thing. Hank, everyone was excited about the first marriage between Brotherhood 2.0 viewers. I mean, the Catholic Church was so excited that they sent like 14 priests to officiate! Also, there was one Bishop and a Cardinal! (Shows program of wedding) Hank there are like 200 Cardinals in the entire world! Hank as you may or may not know it's the Cardinals who pick the next Pope. Every Cardinal under the age of 80 is allowed to go and help pick the next Pope, so I figured this was gonna be a great time for me to lobby for the kind of Pope I've been looking for. (shot of Cardinal) But sadly I don't think this guy's under 80. None the less he did a fantastic job at the wedding. Phyllis and Blake just seem so happy together, I mean, look at them up there they're just giddy! I kept wondering what they were talking about, and then I realized: the Evil Baby Orphanage.
Everybody's talking about it Hank, it's huge. The other way I knew that people were really really excited about the wedding between two Brotherhood 2.0 viewers is that a lot of people came. Like 600 people. And as I looked over this crowd of people I couldn't help but think, man if I happened to have a super drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis a lot of people are in a lot of trouble. Anyway Hank, the reception was also a great time. Randy gave a high five to the infant baby Jesus who was inexplicably doing Jazz hands. Phyllis and Blake cut the cake, as you can see, although you can't see Phyllis because she happens to be the same height, and wearing the same color as the cake itself.
Hank even though Blake got married on Saturday, he took the time probably while he was still in his marital bed to write a comment that I thought was very interesting about liquid coal. What Blake said is that while cars should never be powered by coal, it does make sense to try to develop cleaner coal technologies because there's no way that countries like India are going to completely phase out coal in the next 50 years. I look forward to the environmental discussion on the Brotherhood 2.0 forum, by the way have I mentioned the forum enough times today?
Anyway Hank, it was a beautiful wedding and a beautiful reception, but in the end weddings aren't about the tastiness of the cake, or the deliciousness of the pot roast, or even about whether or not a Cardinal officiates at the wedding. Hank, what I saw again at Blake and Phyllis's wedding, and what I saw at your wedding, and what I felt at my wedding, is that weddings aren't truly about any of those things. They're about how cute it is when kids dance (small girls dancing).
So Hank, I think we're both happy about the first Nerdfighter marriage, and I think we're both hoping for many many more. They're honeymooning in Banff right now so I don't know- wow that's a really fun word to say. Banff. Banff. Hank I'll see you tomorrow.
Groom: Good morning Hank!
Bride: Hi Hank! We're getting married!
About a second after Phyllis said that she looked at me and said, well, I guess he could have gathered that we're getting married. And indeed, that's an awfully nice dress to wear to a cocktail party. But anyway, thanks to Brotherhood 2.0 viewers, and my cousins-in-law, Phyllis and Blake for their introductions.
Hank, it was a weekend of crowds. First I was at Book Expo America, probably the biggest book thing in the country, and it was extremely crowded.
(shot at Book Expo) But Hank, you wanna know the great thing about Book Expo?
Maureen (jumps in): Hi Hank!
Free books! Free books every where, you can take as many as you'd like. As long as you're subtle about it. (Scott takes stack of 5)
(at home) Thanks to Maureen Johnson and Scott Westerfeld's hand for their cameos. But Book Expo isn't all about collecting books, it's also about collecting comic books. For you, Hank. Look, manga! I even got you a poster! Plus I got some other shweet shwag that I'm gonna be giving away on the Brotherhood 2.0 forum just as soon as you launch it.
(at Book Expo) Hank look it's Harry Potter! In bag form!
(home) I got home, went to bed, got up at 4:15, and flew to Decatur, Alabama.
(in hotel) About a month ago I was wearing my seersucker suit ironically, today I'm wearing it non-ironically.
(home) Hank this was my first time watching two Brotherhood 2.0 viewers get married, and let me tell ya it's a magical thing. Hank, everyone was excited about the first marriage between Brotherhood 2.0 viewers. I mean, the Catholic Church was so excited that they sent like 14 priests to officiate! Also, there was one Bishop and a Cardinal! (Shows program of wedding) Hank there are like 200 Cardinals in the entire world! Hank as you may or may not know it's the Cardinals who pick the next Pope. Every Cardinal under the age of 80 is allowed to go and help pick the next Pope, so I figured this was gonna be a great time for me to lobby for the kind of Pope I've been looking for. (shot of Cardinal) But sadly I don't think this guy's under 80. None the less he did a fantastic job at the wedding. Phyllis and Blake just seem so happy together, I mean, look at them up there they're just giddy! I kept wondering what they were talking about, and then I realized: the Evil Baby Orphanage.
Everybody's talking about it Hank, it's huge. The other way I knew that people were really really excited about the wedding between two Brotherhood 2.0 viewers is that a lot of people came. Like 600 people. And as I looked over this crowd of people I couldn't help but think, man if I happened to have a super drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis a lot of people are in a lot of trouble. Anyway Hank, the reception was also a great time. Randy gave a high five to the infant baby Jesus who was inexplicably doing Jazz hands. Phyllis and Blake cut the cake, as you can see, although you can't see Phyllis because she happens to be the same height, and wearing the same color as the cake itself.
Hank even though Blake got married on Saturday, he took the time probably while he was still in his marital bed to write a comment that I thought was very interesting about liquid coal. What Blake said is that while cars should never be powered by coal, it does make sense to try to develop cleaner coal technologies because there's no way that countries like India are going to completely phase out coal in the next 50 years. I look forward to the environmental discussion on the Brotherhood 2.0 forum, by the way have I mentioned the forum enough times today?
Anyway Hank, it was a beautiful wedding and a beautiful reception, but in the end weddings aren't about the tastiness of the cake, or the deliciousness of the pot roast, or even about whether or not a Cardinal officiates at the wedding. Hank, what I saw again at Blake and Phyllis's wedding, and what I saw at your wedding, and what I felt at my wedding, is that weddings aren't truly about any of those things. They're about how cute it is when kids dance (small girls dancing).
So Hank, I think we're both happy about the first Nerdfighter marriage, and I think we're both hoping for many many more. They're honeymooning in Banff right now so I don't know- wow that's a really fun word to say. Banff. Banff. Hank I'll see you tomorrow.
Thursday, November 4
May 25th: FreeMonkey's Tour
Good morning, John, it's Friday May 25th. FreeMonkey and I are about to go on the town. (shot of FreeMonkey with cat) This is what FreeMonkey has mostly been doing since he's been here. He's become kind of friends with the cat. I just put him there and she goes up and they sit together. FreeMonkey!
(Shot of FreeMonkey on bridge) But now FreeMonkey's goin out on the town! We're gonna stop by a couple of places, and then we're gonna hike up to the M. This is where we're goin, buddy (shot of large M on mountain).
First stop: Missoula's carousel at Caras Park. He looks pretty secure on there. (FreeMonkey has the buckle wrapped around him, shot of Buckle Up! It's the Law! sign) announcer: FreeMonkey is riding on (unintelligible) Everyone make their very best monkey noise, if you would, to get this ride started. (group makes monkey noises) Hold on tight everybody! (carousel runs)
(at park) Little boy: Are you swinging that?
It's my monkey, he's taking a swing.
Now FreeMonkey and I are getting a haircut. (FreeMonkey getting shampooed) It's my friend Maureen's monkey, and she is publishing a book, and he's going on tour before her book.
Woman: So am I gonna be in the tour?
Umm, yes, your hands will be anyways.
Woman (snipping): Actually there is a couple of little hairs...
There's a couple little hairs?
Woman: yeah.
Woman off camera: what the heck are you guys doing?
Woman: (laughs) I'm gonna be on the book tour! (brushes off FreeMonkey) Aaah!
And then FreeMonkey and I achieved our goal, we hiked and hiked and hiked until we got to Missoula, Montana's M. And then FreeMonkey sat and gazed upon the city of Missoula.
(inside) Where will FreeMonkey go next? And here's my haircut! Puff levels are lower. It was a fun day. In celebration of FreeMonkey's excellent day today and all of John's Holland happy dances, and also because the period of collection for Randy's family has ended, The World Suck Index has decreased to Suck Level: Yellow- Merely elevated. It's a great day in the history of World Suck, the first time that the World Suck Meter has ever been at anything besides Severe. It's kind of hard to celebrate when a period of mourning ends. Like, nobody celebrates when the flag goes up from half mast after a national disaster. Yay we don't have to mourn any more! You can't really celebrate that.
Thinkin about that got me thinkin about the period of time after a president's death when we all have the flags at half mast and we mourn. Thinkin about that got me thinking about how weird that is gonna be when I'm mourning the death of George Bush. Thinkin about that made me realize that since I am so much younger than George Bush, chances are I will live to see the day when he dies. Thinkin about that actually kinda made me a little happy. And at first thinkin about that kinda made me a little bit ashamed, but then I realized that it's not because he'd be dead or because someone would be dying or because I want him to die, because a part of me suddenly realized that there's a lot of future yet to come. And that I'm gonna be around to see a lot of that future. Thinkin about that actually kinda made me pretty hopeful.
I'll see you on Monday.
(Shot of FreeMonkey on bridge) But now FreeMonkey's goin out on the town! We're gonna stop by a couple of places, and then we're gonna hike up to the M. This is where we're goin, buddy (shot of large M on mountain).
First stop: Missoula's carousel at Caras Park. He looks pretty secure on there. (FreeMonkey has the buckle wrapped around him, shot of Buckle Up! It's the Law! sign) announcer: FreeMonkey is riding on (unintelligible) Everyone make their very best monkey noise, if you would, to get this ride started. (group makes monkey noises) Hold on tight everybody! (carousel runs)
(at park) Little boy: Are you swinging that?
It's my monkey, he's taking a swing.
Now FreeMonkey and I are getting a haircut. (FreeMonkey getting shampooed) It's my friend Maureen's monkey, and she is publishing a book, and he's going on tour before her book.
Woman: So am I gonna be in the tour?
Umm, yes, your hands will be anyways.
Woman (snipping): Actually there is a couple of little hairs...
There's a couple little hairs?
Woman: yeah.
Woman off camera: what the heck are you guys doing?
Woman: (laughs) I'm gonna be on the book tour! (brushes off FreeMonkey) Aaah!
And then FreeMonkey and I achieved our goal, we hiked and hiked and hiked until we got to Missoula, Montana's M. And then FreeMonkey sat and gazed upon the city of Missoula.
(inside) Where will FreeMonkey go next? And here's my haircut! Puff levels are lower. It was a fun day. In celebration of FreeMonkey's excellent day today and all of John's Holland happy dances, and also because the period of collection for Randy's family has ended, The World Suck Index has decreased to Suck Level: Yellow- Merely elevated. It's a great day in the history of World Suck, the first time that the World Suck Meter has ever been at anything besides Severe. It's kind of hard to celebrate when a period of mourning ends. Like, nobody celebrates when the flag goes up from half mast after a national disaster. Yay we don't have to mourn any more! You can't really celebrate that.
Thinkin about that got me thinkin about the period of time after a president's death when we all have the flags at half mast and we mourn. Thinkin about that got me thinking about how weird that is gonna be when I'm mourning the death of George Bush. Thinkin about that made me realize that since I am so much younger than George Bush, chances are I will live to see the day when he dies. Thinkin about that actually kinda made me a little happy. And at first thinkin about that kinda made me a little bit ashamed, but then I realized that it's not because he'd be dead or because someone would be dying or because I want him to die, because a part of me suddenly realized that there's a lot of future yet to come. And that I'm gonna be around to see a lot of that future. Thinkin about that actually kinda made me pretty hopeful.
I'll see you on Monday.
Wednesday, November 3
Brotherhood 2.0: May 8th: House Hunters
Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday May 8th, 10th? 8th? It's an even numbered day in May. A commenter recently had an idea that we should release a Brotherhood 2.0 calendar to increase the Funds to Decrease World Suck, and I think that's a great idea. It would be exactly like a regular calendar, except without weekends, and also the date would always be wrong.
Hank we're in the airport in New York City on our way to go house hunting in Indianapolis. This will be my first time visiting Indianapolis as a, you know, resident. Hank, there were several happy birthday messages that got lost in my email that I'll have to show you on Thursday, but for now I don't have them because we're in the airport and I don't have my computer and I don't really know what's goin on and we gotta go house hunting. We're very busy we gotta meet Penny the realtor, there's a lot going on. But, I will show you those happy birthday greetings on Thursday.
Also, during the Happy Birthday Top Secret Project I learned a lot of interesting things about our Nerdfighters. For instance, did you know, and this is entirely true, one of the Nerdfighters is going to be competing this year in the National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C. Hank we have a semi-professional speller!
Hank in other news, Maureen Johnson's book the Bermudez Triangle seems to have been sort of half way unbanned. Specifically the school administration is now arguing that they didn't ban the book at all in the first place, they just recommended that it be banned, and then removed it from the shelf, which somehow does not constitute banning. Anyway, it seems like our letters have worked and now it's just a matter of seeing if the school superintendent agrees that the book should stay on the shelves.
Observation: people look at you funny when you scream into a camera at the airport at 7:10 in the morning.
Hey Hank, while we're here at the airport I thought we might go to Hudson News to see what's goin on in the world. (Star) What's Wrong with Brit's Baby! Is not a sentence that ends in an exclamation point.
(in hotel) Hank, most of that video was filmed at like 7 o'clock this morning at the airport, and now we're in Indianapolis and it's like 11 o'clock at night and I only have about 30 minutes to upload and edit it and do everything with my Brotherhood 2.0 video and I'm extremely stressed out and plus we saw like 12 houses today and they were all nice but they also all need work and it was really really really really really really really really stressful and the last thing I want to do is come home and have to make a video.
Hank, you know when I get stressed out you know what I do? I do this thing (runs hands through hair) I do the puff? I do the puff up? I do the constant puff up? I've been doing the puff up all day (shots of him making puffing all over) You see Hank, in my life, the puff level has a direct correlation to the stress level. The puff level is high, so the stress level is high. Don't get me wrong. Shopping for houses is really really really fun, it's exciting and it feels good, and the houses are interesting and everything else, but it's also, scary. So the puff level is high, and the stress level is high. And Hank, on Thursday I'm going to need you to help me pick a house. I'll see you tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo)
Brotherhood 2.0 would like to wish a very belated but very happy 30th birthday to Shanon James. Nerdfighters!
Hank we're in the airport in New York City on our way to go house hunting in Indianapolis. This will be my first time visiting Indianapolis as a, you know, resident. Hank, there were several happy birthday messages that got lost in my email that I'll have to show you on Thursday, but for now I don't have them because we're in the airport and I don't have my computer and I don't really know what's goin on and we gotta go house hunting. We're very busy we gotta meet Penny the realtor, there's a lot going on. But, I will show you those happy birthday greetings on Thursday.
Also, during the Happy Birthday Top Secret Project I learned a lot of interesting things about our Nerdfighters. For instance, did you know, and this is entirely true, one of the Nerdfighters is going to be competing this year in the National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C. Hank we have a semi-professional speller!
Hank in other news, Maureen Johnson's book the Bermudez Triangle seems to have been sort of half way unbanned. Specifically the school administration is now arguing that they didn't ban the book at all in the first place, they just recommended that it be banned, and then removed it from the shelf, which somehow does not constitute banning. Anyway, it seems like our letters have worked and now it's just a matter of seeing if the school superintendent agrees that the book should stay on the shelves.
Observation: people look at you funny when you scream into a camera at the airport at 7:10 in the morning.
Hey Hank, while we're here at the airport I thought we might go to Hudson News to see what's goin on in the world. (Star) What's Wrong with Brit's Baby! Is not a sentence that ends in an exclamation point.
(in hotel) Hank, most of that video was filmed at like 7 o'clock this morning at the airport, and now we're in Indianapolis and it's like 11 o'clock at night and I only have about 30 minutes to upload and edit it and do everything with my Brotherhood 2.0 video and I'm extremely stressed out and plus we saw like 12 houses today and they were all nice but they also all need work and it was really really really really really really really really stressful and the last thing I want to do is come home and have to make a video.
Hank, you know when I get stressed out you know what I do? I do this thing (runs hands through hair) I do the puff? I do the puff up? I do the constant puff up? I've been doing the puff up all day (shots of him making puffing all over) You see Hank, in my life, the puff level has a direct correlation to the stress level. The puff level is high, so the stress level is high. Don't get me wrong. Shopping for houses is really really really fun, it's exciting and it feels good, and the houses are interesting and everything else, but it's also, scary. So the puff level is high, and the stress level is high. And Hank, on Thursday I'm going to need you to help me pick a house. I'll see you tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo)
Brotherhood 2.0 would like to wish a very belated but very happy 30th birthday to Shanon James. Nerdfighters!
May 3rd: Yetis, TMBG, Weeds and MoJo
Good morning, John, it's Thursday already! Jesus. May 3rd.
(party blower tune, from many directions) (blows 5 at once, laughs) (Lets off poppers with confetti) Happy Birthday, Dad.
There're a few things that I wanted to talk about last video that I didn't get to talk about. In one of them- t-t-two of, two of them actually- has to do with Neil Gaiman. First thing: I have in front of me a copy of his most recent publication, Fragile Things, which is a collection of excellent short stories. Katherine and I have been reading them to each other at night. And I wanted to share with you something from his introduction: "and on the subject of naming animals, can I just say how happy I was to learn that the word Yeti literally translated apparently means 'That thing, over there'
Quick, brave Himalayan guide, what's that thing over there?
Ah Yeti?
I see.
Second thing: apparently They Might Be Giants is doing the soundtrack to Coraline the movie. YES! Oh my God, that is so cool! Finding that out has made Neil Gaiman way way cooler in my book. So now you know how much I like They Might Be Giants.
Now, onto things that don't have to do with Neil Gaiman. Katherine is not researching marijuana. Weed research, like she's doing research on weeds. Katherine is researching plant communities and how to eliminate invasive species like Spotted Nap Weed. The job starts in a couple of weeks, and it's going to be really weird to not have her around all the time.
And finally, about the Bermudez Triangle, Maureen Johnson's now banned book. What the f--, It's not cool. But what is cool, is what happened to Brotherhood 2.0. I think that your video yesterday has had more comments than any other Brotherhood 2.0 video. So apparently people care more about book banning than they do about my obsession with Helen Hunt. Which is (chokes and coughs) definitely a good thing. Thank you all so much for standing up for the librarians, and for Maureen. Great work. Now, I think I may go out and buy the Bermudez Triangle because I want to see what all of the fuss is about. And, I think that's all, so John, I will see you tomorrow.
(party blower tune, from many directions) (blows 5 at once, laughs) (Lets off poppers with confetti) Happy Birthday, Dad.
There're a few things that I wanted to talk about last video that I didn't get to talk about. In one of them- t-t-two of, two of them actually- has to do with Neil Gaiman. First thing: I have in front of me a copy of his most recent publication, Fragile Things, which is a collection of excellent short stories. Katherine and I have been reading them to each other at night. And I wanted to share with you something from his introduction: "and on the subject of naming animals, can I just say how happy I was to learn that the word Yeti literally translated apparently means 'That thing, over there'
Quick, brave Himalayan guide, what's that thing over there?
Ah Yeti?
I see.
Second thing: apparently They Might Be Giants is doing the soundtrack to Coraline the movie. YES! Oh my God, that is so cool! Finding that out has made Neil Gaiman way way cooler in my book. So now you know how much I like They Might Be Giants.
Now, onto things that don't have to do with Neil Gaiman. Katherine is not researching marijuana. Weed research, like she's doing research on weeds. Katherine is researching plant communities and how to eliminate invasive species like Spotted Nap Weed. The job starts in a couple of weeks, and it's going to be really weird to not have her around all the time.
And finally, about the Bermudez Triangle, Maureen Johnson's now banned book. What the f--, It's not cool. But what is cool, is what happened to Brotherhood 2.0. I think that your video yesterday has had more comments than any other Brotherhood 2.0 video. So apparently people care more about book banning than they do about my obsession with Helen Hunt. Which is (chokes and coughs) definitely a good thing. Thank you all so much for standing up for the librarians, and for Maureen. Great work. Now, I think I may go out and buy the Bermudez Triangle because I want to see what all of the fuss is about. And, I think that's all, so John, I will see you tomorrow.
Brotherhood 2.0: May 2: Book Banning
Good morning Hank, it's Wednesday, May 3rd. No it's not, it's May 2nd, am I ever gonna get that right? I'm sitting in front of different books because change is good.
(sings) Helena, Montana. Helena, Montana.
Good work with the song. In fact Hank, you did such a good job with the song that I can't help but think that maybe you could write one song every two weeks for the rest of the project. Say, every time you have to do a Wednesday. That would be fun and also easy! And by easy I mean, you know, for me.
Hank, thanks also for standing in that line to get Neil Gaiman to say hi to me. Neil Gaiman signed more books on that day in Helena, Montana than I've signed in my entire career. I gotta start writing about Neil Gaiman stuff.
And speaking of books, there's big news out of the young adult literature world. Brotherhood 2.0 fan and future secret sister Maureen Johnson has just had a book banned in Oklahoma. Hank, the book in question is called The Bermudez Triangle. I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it...ahh in your pants! Ahhhh feels so good when you let it out. The Bermudez Triangle...in your pants.
Hank, the fact that The Bermudez Triangle is funny when you add "in your pants" is literally the dirtiest thing about the book. There is nothing in it that's inappropriate for teen readers. For that matter, there's not really anything in it that's inappropriate for like, 10 year-olds. Hank, one of the biggest problems with book banning isn't even the books that get banned, it's the books that don't get banned because they never get into libraries in the first place because people are scared that they're going to get banned. Part of the reason we have to fight challenges is so that librarians know that we're with them when they get challenged. The other main reason that we have to fight challenges is because it's absolutely ridiculous to ban The Bermudez Triangle from a high school library, when it doesn't even contain any, like, dirty words or dirty scenes or anything! All it contains is gay characters. Honestly Bartlesville Mid High School, are you seriously going to ban all books that contain gay characters from your high school library? Are you gonna ban Bridget Jones's Diary? The Color Purple? No Exit? Brideshead Revisited? Angels in America? The Picture of Dorian Gray?
No, I don't think novels should be removed from high school libraries simply because they have homosexual characters. If you agree with me, I put the email addresses of all the people who were on the committee, most of whom haven't even read the book, right there (points down), beneath my picture. Let's email them, and tell them that we won't stand for this.
And then Hank, if they don't email us back, we can call them on Friday. I do have their phone numbers. I'll see you tomorrow.
(sings) Helena, Montana. Helena, Montana.
Good work with the song. In fact Hank, you did such a good job with the song that I can't help but think that maybe you could write one song every two weeks for the rest of the project. Say, every time you have to do a Wednesday. That would be fun and also easy! And by easy I mean, you know, for me.
Hank, thanks also for standing in that line to get Neil Gaiman to say hi to me. Neil Gaiman signed more books on that day in Helena, Montana than I've signed in my entire career. I gotta start writing about Neil Gaiman stuff.
And speaking of books, there's big news out of the young adult literature world. Brotherhood 2.0 fan and future secret sister Maureen Johnson has just had a book banned in Oklahoma. Hank, the book in question is called The Bermudez Triangle. I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it...ahh in your pants! Ahhhh feels so good when you let it out. The Bermudez Triangle...in your pants.
Hank, the fact that The Bermudez Triangle is funny when you add "in your pants" is literally the dirtiest thing about the book. There is nothing in it that's inappropriate for teen readers. For that matter, there's not really anything in it that's inappropriate for like, 10 year-olds. Hank, one of the biggest problems with book banning isn't even the books that get banned, it's the books that don't get banned because they never get into libraries in the first place because people are scared that they're going to get banned. Part of the reason we have to fight challenges is so that librarians know that we're with them when they get challenged. The other main reason that we have to fight challenges is because it's absolutely ridiculous to ban The Bermudez Triangle from a high school library, when it doesn't even contain any, like, dirty words or dirty scenes or anything! All it contains is gay characters. Honestly Bartlesville Mid High School, are you seriously going to ban all books that contain gay characters from your high school library? Are you gonna ban Bridget Jones's Diary? The Color Purple? No Exit? Brideshead Revisited? Angels in America? The Picture of Dorian Gray?
No, I don't think novels should be removed from high school libraries simply because they have homosexual characters. If you agree with me, I put the email addresses of all the people who were on the committee, most of whom haven't even read the book, right there (points down), beneath my picture. Let's email them, and tell them that we won't stand for this.
And then Hank, if they don't email us back, we can call them on Friday. I do have their phone numbers. I'll see you tomorrow.
Brotherhood 2.0: April 2: A Day in the Writer's Life
Writing group: Good morning, Hank. It’s Wednesday, April 4th.
John: Hank, I think Maureen Johnson has a special message for you.
Maureen: Hi, Hank. Um, I…what is my special message? Just that I…I think you’re great, and the Hummer thing…do the Hummer thing. And let me tell you why! Let me tell you why! Did you not…? Hank is gonna take a Hummer for a ride and tell the whole world why Hummers suck. (two thumbs up) “H” for Hank; “H” for Hummer. This won’t be in it. It will be, like, one second of my face and then back to John talking about himself.
John: Back to me talking about myself. Hank, several weeks ago commenter Peter asked to see what it’s like when I’m working. So I thought I’d show you that. So, Hank, today we’re writing in a hotel room. (out the window to city scape) Look how pretty it is. Hank, I write a lot with my friends Maureen Johnson and Scott Westerfeld. (close-up of his face) God, that is a big zit. Today we were joined by Justine Larbalestier and Lauren McLaughlin. (a stuffed monkey sits beside a laptop) And Maureen Johnson’s pet monkey.
Mostly I sit and look at the computer. (everyone just sits, staring at their computers and typing) See, it’s a non-stop thrill ride! You just saw me write, like, three new sentences in my novel, all of which I will eventually delete, I’m sure. Then after awhile I put stuff in my eye. And then, inevitably, we start talking. John: Anything but my bald spot.
Maureen: The Scott Westerfeld story. [laughter]
John: What the…? Anything but My Bald Spot: The Scott Westerfeld story? This is the best possible title for the unauthorized biography I will write of you.
Maureen: Yeah, what…what’s everybody’s…uh, what’s…what’s yours?
Justine or Lauren (whoever’s holding the camera): Didn’t we have one for John earlier?
Maureen: I thought we had one for you earlier. Guys, do I look small?
John: Is it possible to have ankle cancer? The Japanese woman…
(back to just John) Then we work for awhile. (they sit around working) And then we talk again.
Scott: Can I ask you guys something?
All: Yeah.
Scott: Can…so, can a floodlight have a beam?
John: Like, instead of a cone?
Maureen: Or a skirt.
Scott: Well…I mean…this…if you have insects dancing in the light being shed by something…
John: In the beam of the light.
Scott: The beam of a light…but it’s a floodlight, so it’s not-
John: So it’s not a beam. It’s more of a cone, or a skirt
Scott: More of a cone.
Maureen: But don’t…
John: But you can’t have…you can’t have…you can’t have him dancing in a skirt of the light. Like…the cone could be…
Scott: It’s true…in the hem of the floodlight.
John: The hem of the floodlight! The hem of the floodlight skirt. That’s nice; that’s not too awkward.
Scott: How ‘bout the skirt of light coming from the floodlight?
Maureen: Do you really need these bugs?
Scott: No.
(later)
Maureen: I’m like Princess Diana: not afraid to touch the lepers, you know? I’ll sit…I’ll sit close to you.
(later)
John: Funkypenguin402 asks, “What will the Looking for Alaska movie be rated?” Here’s a more important question: When will the Looking for Alaska movie be made?
Scott: What will John Green be paid for the Looking for Alaska movie?
Scott: When will principal photography start?
John: (by himself) So, Hank, that’s how I spend my days writing. God, it’s not even a zit so much as it’s a character flaw. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
John: Hank, I think Maureen Johnson has a special message for you.
Maureen: Hi, Hank. Um, I…what is my special message? Just that I…I think you’re great, and the Hummer thing…do the Hummer thing. And let me tell you why! Let me tell you why! Did you not…? Hank is gonna take a Hummer for a ride and tell the whole world why Hummers suck. (two thumbs up) “H” for Hank; “H” for Hummer. This won’t be in it. It will be, like, one second of my face and then back to John talking about himself.
John: Back to me talking about myself. Hank, several weeks ago commenter Peter asked to see what it’s like when I’m working. So I thought I’d show you that. So, Hank, today we’re writing in a hotel room. (out the window to city scape) Look how pretty it is. Hank, I write a lot with my friends Maureen Johnson and Scott Westerfeld. (close-up of his face) God, that is a big zit. Today we were joined by Justine Larbalestier and Lauren McLaughlin. (a stuffed monkey sits beside a laptop) And Maureen Johnson’s pet monkey.
Mostly I sit and look at the computer. (everyone just sits, staring at their computers and typing) See, it’s a non-stop thrill ride! You just saw me write, like, three new sentences in my novel, all of which I will eventually delete, I’m sure. Then after awhile I put stuff in my eye. And then, inevitably, we start talking. John: Anything but my bald spot.
Maureen: The Scott Westerfeld story. [laughter]
John: What the…? Anything but My Bald Spot: The Scott Westerfeld story? This is the best possible title for the unauthorized biography I will write of you.
Maureen: Yeah, what…what’s everybody’s…uh, what’s…what’s yours?
Justine or Lauren (whoever’s holding the camera): Didn’t we have one for John earlier?
Maureen: I thought we had one for you earlier. Guys, do I look small?
John: Is it possible to have ankle cancer? The Japanese woman…
(back to just John) Then we work for awhile. (they sit around working) And then we talk again.
Scott: Can I ask you guys something?
All: Yeah.
Scott: Can…so, can a floodlight have a beam?
John: Like, instead of a cone?
Maureen: Or a skirt.
Scott: Well…I mean…this…if you have insects dancing in the light being shed by something…
John: In the beam of the light.
Scott: The beam of a light…but it’s a floodlight, so it’s not-
John: So it’s not a beam. It’s more of a cone, or a skirt
Scott: More of a cone.
Maureen: But don’t…
John: But you can’t have…you can’t have…you can’t have him dancing in a skirt of the light. Like…the cone could be…
Scott: It’s true…in the hem of the floodlight.
John: The hem of the floodlight! The hem of the floodlight skirt. That’s nice; that’s not too awkward.
Scott: How ‘bout the skirt of light coming from the floodlight?
Maureen: Do you really need these bugs?
Scott: No.
(later)
Maureen: I’m like Princess Diana: not afraid to touch the lepers, you know? I’ll sit…I’ll sit close to you.
(later)
John: Funkypenguin402 asks, “What will the Looking for Alaska movie be rated?” Here’s a more important question: When will the Looking for Alaska movie be made?
Scott: What will John Green be paid for the Looking for Alaska movie?
Scott: When will principal photography start?
John: (by himself) So, Hank, that’s how I spend my days writing. God, it’s not even a zit so much as it’s a character flaw. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 2
Brotherhood 2.0: February 23, 2007: Books
Good morning, Hank. It’s Friday, Februrary 23rd. These are my books. There are many like them, but these are mine. (bookshelf) First we have this bookshelf, which I’ve had since college. (bookshelf) Then we have this bookshelf which we acquired this summer. This bookshelf is actually being held up by books. (bookshelf) We’ve had these bookshelves for a few years. (four bookshelves) Then we have these bookshelves, which I got as a present from my mother-in-law a couple years ago. (black bookshelves) And then, of course, we have this bookshelf, which is where I film most days.
(stack of books) And we have this, which is like your magical floating bookshelf, only slightly different. If you take one away, it continues to float. (book has been taken away, books above float)
So, Hank, that’s where I keep my books around the house. We don’t have lots of stacks of books in random places because, whenever we need a bookshelf, we just buy a new one. Bookshelves are, like, $20. I mean, you can buy a bookshelf for less than it costs to take your wife to see the Eddie Murphey movie, Norbit. I mean, a bookshelf is cheaper than Norbit. So, buy more bookshelves. Put ‘em down there by the map of Narnia.
It is very hard for me, however, to get rid of books and to moderate the number of books that I have. I mean, some of these books, let’s face it, I’m never going to read again. Consider, for example, The Day Nobody Shared…in your pants. Another example is Devin Deweese’s 638-page non-fiction book, Islamization and Native Religion in the Golden Horde. In my career as a YA novelist, it is rare that I am asked by someone, how is it that the Uzbek people came to be Muslims?
(John sits with Maureen Johnson) Hank, to answer your questions about e-books and libraries and used bookstores, I decided to bring in another author, Maureen Johnson, the author of four, almost five books.
John: What do you think about used bookstores?
Maureen: I like ‘em.
John: Me too. You don’t have a problem with the fact that they’re taking your money?
Maureen: Oh, no no no, not at all.
John: What about libraries?
Maureen: Oh, I love libraries.
John: I love libraries.
Maureen: You can't, You can’t not be pro-library…Is this actually a debate?
John: Well, it’s more of an agreement, it seems like. But a lot of people would think that authors might get angry about the fact that you don’t get money from every time someone checks your book out at the library.
Maureen: No, the trouble with my readers is that they don’t get money because I put a $20 bill in the copy of all my books (John laughs), and so the first person who reads it gets the twenty. How are people supposed to afford to buy everything they want to read?
John (alone): So, Hank, the agreement seems to be that writers, at least the extremely scientific sample of me and Maureen Johnson, are pretty much in favor of used bookstores and in favor of libraries. I think most of us would rather have an audience than countless riches. If we wanted to be rich we’d be doing something else, like blogging about environmental technology. Maureen Johnson just had a fantastic invention idea: the e-book for the Wii. I want to go to page 39 now. (John uses his Wii remote to simulate flipping through pages of a book) Ya! Ya! Ya!
And now, in parting, I am going to read a book with my Wii. (John stands above open book) By the power of the Wii, I compel this page to turn! (Tries to use Wii remote to cause wind to blow page) Turn! (leans down and blows) Yes!
(Said from behind The Day Nobody Shared) Hank, I’ll see you on Monday.
(after the Brotherhood 2.0 logo, John reappears with The Day Nobody Shared open to the last page) They throw a sharing party!
(stack of books) And we have this, which is like your magical floating bookshelf, only slightly different. If you take one away, it continues to float. (book has been taken away, books above float)
So, Hank, that’s where I keep my books around the house. We don’t have lots of stacks of books in random places because, whenever we need a bookshelf, we just buy a new one. Bookshelves are, like, $20. I mean, you can buy a bookshelf for less than it costs to take your wife to see the Eddie Murphey movie, Norbit. I mean, a bookshelf is cheaper than Norbit. So, buy more bookshelves. Put ‘em down there by the map of Narnia.
It is very hard for me, however, to get rid of books and to moderate the number of books that I have. I mean, some of these books, let’s face it, I’m never going to read again. Consider, for example, The Day Nobody Shared…in your pants. Another example is Devin Deweese’s 638-page non-fiction book, Islamization and Native Religion in the Golden Horde. In my career as a YA novelist, it is rare that I am asked by someone, how is it that the Uzbek people came to be Muslims?
(John sits with Maureen Johnson) Hank, to answer your questions about e-books and libraries and used bookstores, I decided to bring in another author, Maureen Johnson, the author of four, almost five books.
John: What do you think about used bookstores?
Maureen: I like ‘em.
John: Me too. You don’t have a problem with the fact that they’re taking your money?
Maureen: Oh, no no no, not at all.
John: What about libraries?
Maureen: Oh, I love libraries.
John: I love libraries.
Maureen: You can't, You can’t not be pro-library…Is this actually a debate?
John: Well, it’s more of an agreement, it seems like. But a lot of people would think that authors might get angry about the fact that you don’t get money from every time someone checks your book out at the library.
Maureen: No, the trouble with my readers is that they don’t get money because I put a $20 bill in the copy of all my books (John laughs), and so the first person who reads it gets the twenty. How are people supposed to afford to buy everything they want to read?
John (alone): So, Hank, the agreement seems to be that writers, at least the extremely scientific sample of me and Maureen Johnson, are pretty much in favor of used bookstores and in favor of libraries. I think most of us would rather have an audience than countless riches. If we wanted to be rich we’d be doing something else, like blogging about environmental technology. Maureen Johnson just had a fantastic invention idea: the e-book for the Wii. I want to go to page 39 now. (John uses his Wii remote to simulate flipping through pages of a book) Ya! Ya! Ya!
And now, in parting, I am going to read a book with my Wii. (John stands above open book) By the power of the Wii, I compel this page to turn! (Tries to use Wii remote to cause wind to blow page) Turn! (leans down and blows) Yes!
(Said from behind The Day Nobody Shared) Hank, I’ll see you on Monday.
(after the Brotherhood 2.0 logo, John reappears with The Day Nobody Shared open to the last page) They throw a sharing party!
Brotherhood 2.0: January 23rd
(Hank is sitting on a black couch in front of a fireplace with a wine glass full of liquid and a coat on.)
Good morning John. It's Tuesday, January 23rd. (Blows on drink in glass) If you're wondering why I'm blowing on my wine, it's because its tea. But I needed something that I could toast with. Congratulations on your Printz nomination. I wasn't excited enough, I need to be more excited about that. (Does Happy Dance) (Toasts) To the Printz Award! To An Abundance of Katherines! To Katherines! There's one sitting right here. She's waving. To silver metals! To not quite doing as good as you did the last time!
Sorry, that was kinda mean.
So I was in a bookstore today and the lady came up to me and said, you're John Green's brother. Oh-Ho!
So it turns out that I'm famous now. Well, she might very well be your biggest fan. She has a section of her bookstore devoted entirely to you. In fact, there are several sections in her book store devoted entirely to you. Well they're all kind of small. She had heard you won the Printz Prize. (Does Happy Dance) I don't know what you're gonna do with all of them man. You're just rackin' 'em up. What do you do with two Printz Awards? Do you actually get a thing? Do you get, like, a statue? (high pitched voice) eh congratulations! Or do you just, ya know, every single one of your books get a sticker on it. Which is cool. I like the sticker, I think the sticker is good. Or do you just get more money? Do they give you more money? Is there any, ya know, reward?
Now there's something that I wanted to talk to you about. When you recieved the information that you were getting the Printz Award, one of the things that you did not do, was your Happy Dance. Is your Happy Dance actually your Happy Dance? Or are you just trying to entertain us? Because if you're just trying to entertain us, then this thing isn't real, man, and it has to be real! Or you know, it could be fake. We could start faking things, and that might be interesting. For example, I generally sit by the fire, with a glass of wine... in my girlfriend's coat...
Katherine: Girlfriend?
Hank: Girlfriend (laughs) Yes...girlfriend's coat. We aren't married 'cause this is fake time. I'm lying about things. Obviously. So I was recently at your friend Maureen Johnson's blog. She discussed a long conversation which you and Johnson and Lockheart had, concerning the suffix, "in your pants." It turns out that every book title, becomes better when you add "in your pants" to the end of the title. I'm going to go around this lovely cabin and find books.
The Dance of the Dissident Daugher in Your Pants! Present Moment, Wonderful Moment in Your Pants. Stumbling on Happiness in Your Pants. The Left Hand of Darkness in Your Pants. The Student Bible in Your Pants.
(Shows Hank's torso and pants. opens coat, undoes fly, pulls The Student Bible out of his pants)
(back to Hank) Yeah... So...I'll see you tomorrow.
And I know that you don't personally know this, but Katherines in your pants is actually quite a nice thing. I don't know about an abundance of Katherines... I promise, I don't. But one Katherine in my pants... is quite nice.
Good morning John. It's Tuesday, January 23rd. (Blows on drink in glass) If you're wondering why I'm blowing on my wine, it's because its tea. But I needed something that I could toast with. Congratulations on your Printz nomination. I wasn't excited enough, I need to be more excited about that. (Does Happy Dance) (Toasts) To the Printz Award! To An Abundance of Katherines! To Katherines! There's one sitting right here. She's waving. To silver metals! To not quite doing as good as you did the last time!
Sorry, that was kinda mean.
So I was in a bookstore today and the lady came up to me and said, you're John Green's brother. Oh-Ho!
So it turns out that I'm famous now. Well, she might very well be your biggest fan. She has a section of her bookstore devoted entirely to you. In fact, there are several sections in her book store devoted entirely to you. Well they're all kind of small. She had heard you won the Printz Prize. (Does Happy Dance) I don't know what you're gonna do with all of them man. You're just rackin' 'em up. What do you do with two Printz Awards? Do you actually get a thing? Do you get, like, a statue? (high pitched voice) eh congratulations! Or do you just, ya know, every single one of your books get a sticker on it. Which is cool. I like the sticker, I think the sticker is good. Or do you just get more money? Do they give you more money? Is there any, ya know, reward?
Now there's something that I wanted to talk to you about. When you recieved the information that you were getting the Printz Award, one of the things that you did not do, was your Happy Dance. Is your Happy Dance actually your Happy Dance? Or are you just trying to entertain us? Because if you're just trying to entertain us, then this thing isn't real, man, and it has to be real! Or you know, it could be fake. We could start faking things, and that might be interesting. For example, I generally sit by the fire, with a glass of wine... in my girlfriend's coat...
Katherine: Girlfriend?
Hank: Girlfriend (laughs) Yes...girlfriend's coat. We aren't married 'cause this is fake time. I'm lying about things. Obviously. So I was recently at your friend Maureen Johnson's blog. She discussed a long conversation which you and Johnson and Lockheart had, concerning the suffix, "in your pants." It turns out that every book title, becomes better when you add "in your pants" to the end of the title. I'm going to go around this lovely cabin and find books.
The Dance of the Dissident Daugher in Your Pants! Present Moment, Wonderful Moment in Your Pants. Stumbling on Happiness in Your Pants. The Left Hand of Darkness in Your Pants. The Student Bible in Your Pants.
(Shows Hank's torso and pants. opens coat, undoes fly, pulls The Student Bible out of his pants)
(back to Hank) Yeah... So...I'll see you tomorrow.
And I know that you don't personally know this, but Katherines in your pants is actually quite a nice thing. I don't know about an abundance of Katherines... I promise, I don't. But one Katherine in my pants... is quite nice.
Brotherhood 2.0: January 17th
(Hank has business cards under his glasses.) Good morning John, it's Wednesday, January 17th.
(Back to normal) Hi Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart! Maureen...is that the Maureen that told me to build a business card house out of my misprinted business cards? If it is, then I have a surprise for her! Last night, I spent two hours talking to a Libertarian on the internet. He was a friend of mine from high school and I don't know what happened. He says there shouldn't be regulations on nuclear power plants! Last night, I also blew my nose for fifteen straight minutes, and then at the end of it I had converted six ounces of toilet paper into two pounds of mushy goo, but now I can do this! (breathes in through nose deeply) Ah.
I'm just going to jump right into Misprinted Business Card Utilization ideas. Maureen from the comments suggested that I build a business card house. I didn't know how to build card houses so I went on the internet and did some research. There's the basic card house, where you use (demonstrates with cards) this and this and you stack until it gets high up, but that's not the best way to build card houses it turns out. I found out the way that the professional card stackers do it. And now, I'm going to teach you and all of our viewers how to stack cards, the AWESOME WAY.
(Does what he describes with cards) We create a T. And we lean this card, on this card, thus stabilizing this card, and this card.
(Hank from another clip) Is that guy wearing jammie pants?
(back to card house) And this guy on this guy.
(Hank from another clip) Yes, that guy is wearing jammie pants! It's early and I'm sick and tired, okay?
(back to card house) And you lean this guy on that guy, then you lean this guy on that guy. Here we've got the first story of a really good card house. And now we add the roof; this is important because we're going to be stacking more stories on it. Viola! And there we have the first story of a card house. (continues to build it to four stories in fast motion with squeaky speeded voice.) Let us take a look at this thing of beauty. An excellent Misprinted Business Card Utilization idea; especially because now I know how to stack cards! And hopefully, so do you. So, I can't just let this go, I'm going to have to try and add another story. (card house falls apart)
(Back to normal) Hi Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart! Maureen...is that the Maureen that told me to build a business card house out of my misprinted business cards? If it is, then I have a surprise for her! Last night, I spent two hours talking to a Libertarian on the internet. He was a friend of mine from high school and I don't know what happened. He says there shouldn't be regulations on nuclear power plants! Last night, I also blew my nose for fifteen straight minutes, and then at the end of it I had converted six ounces of toilet paper into two pounds of mushy goo, but now I can do this! (breathes in through nose deeply) Ah.
I'm just going to jump right into Misprinted Business Card Utilization ideas. Maureen from the comments suggested that I build a business card house. I didn't know how to build card houses so I went on the internet and did some research. There's the basic card house, where you use (demonstrates with cards) this and this and you stack until it gets high up, but that's not the best way to build card houses it turns out. I found out the way that the professional card stackers do it. And now, I'm going to teach you and all of our viewers how to stack cards, the AWESOME WAY.
(Does what he describes with cards) We create a T. And we lean this card, on this card, thus stabilizing this card, and this card.
(Hank from another clip) Is that guy wearing jammie pants?
(back to card house) And this guy on this guy.
(Hank from another clip) Yes, that guy is wearing jammie pants! It's early and I'm sick and tired, okay?
(back to card house) And you lean this guy on that guy, then you lean this guy on that guy. Here we've got the first story of a really good card house. And now we add the roof; this is important because we're going to be stacking more stories on it. Viola! And there we have the first story of a card house. (continues to build it to four stories in fast motion with squeaky speeded voice.) Let us take a look at this thing of beauty. An excellent Misprinted Business Card Utilization idea; especially because now I know how to stack cards! And hopefully, so do you. So, I can't just let this go, I'm going to have to try and add another story. (card house falls apart)
Brotherhood 2.0: January 16, 2007
Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart: Good morning Hank!
(back to John) Those are world-famous writers Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart. By the way, the Brotherhood 2.0 website looks awesome. It's 6:30 in the morning, I am extremely and I have a long day of writing ahead of me. (Rubs eyes, then shakes face) So we're gonna make this quick, and we're gonna do it school style. First period: Math. I would like to briefly explain the 70/42 mishap. What happened was that I incorrectly believed, and indeed have always believed, that each minute contains one-hundred seconds. Were that to be true, there would be 70 five second segments in each three minute and thirty second period. It turns out, and this is extraordinarily difficult news for me to accept, that each minute only contains sixty seconds, and therefore there's 42 five second segments in three minute and thirty second period. This is a tragedy not only for the American minute, but also for me personally. It makes the fact that my first draft of my new novel is due in eight thousand, six hundred and forty minutes, forty percent more terrifying.
Second period: it's supposed to be History but your teacher is lazy and all you ever do is watch TV shows he taped. Hank, I feel like one of my duties to you as the brother who does own a working television, is to keep you informed periodically about what's going on in the world of entertainment. Paula Abdul has a drug problem. Ivanka Trump is improbably attractive.
Period Three: Physical Education. Hank, the Bears are just one game away from the Superbowl, and if I have my way I will be filming Brotherhood 2.0 from the Superbowl.
Fourth Period: English. Hank, your Battle of the Books inspired me to have my own Battle of the Books because I thought that your Battle of the Books was hilarious, and then I thought maybe my Battle of the Books could be kind of like a pale imitation and people would laugh and say "well, it's good, but it's not as funny as Hank's" and you know, that's pretty much my goal with this thing.
Round one: The American edition of Looking for Alaska versus the Dutch edition of Looking for Alaska. (uses the books as puppets)
American: Hey, how's it goin?
Dutch: OK, how are you?
American: Hey, why don't you have an accent?
Dutch: Uh, I don't, I don't do accents, I think they're weird.
American: AAAHHHRRRAAARAARAA (Slams into Dutch one, stands on top of other) Sigh.
(in high voice): Oh wait, no! It's the Danish edition of Looking for Alaska! Dodadoodadoodadooo
And the British edition! Wait are the British on the American side? Or are they on the Dutch side? Oh my God, they're for Europe, not America! (Both double team and slam on the American)
(cuts back to John) It wasn't until I started editing that that I realized- Oh my God, I am such a loser. I can't even bring myself to show you the Hemingway versus Faulkner one, it's even more embarrassing.
Announcements: Hank, could you possibly mail me some of the misprinted EcoGeek business cards, just like, five of them? Thanks. You can get my address from Mom and Dad. Also, can we agree to have our Happy Dance compilation video done around the end of February? (slaps face/ shakes shoulders/ rubs hand in hair) OK, OK OK big day big day big day big day. 2,000 words, 2,000 words 2,000 words, 2,000 words. OK, I'm gonna go back to bed.
(back to John) Those are world-famous writers Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart. By the way, the Brotherhood 2.0 website looks awesome. It's 6:30 in the morning, I am extremely and I have a long day of writing ahead of me. (Rubs eyes, then shakes face) So we're gonna make this quick, and we're gonna do it school style. First period: Math. I would like to briefly explain the 70/42 mishap. What happened was that I incorrectly believed, and indeed have always believed, that each minute contains one-hundred seconds. Were that to be true, there would be 70 five second segments in each three minute and thirty second period. It turns out, and this is extraordinarily difficult news for me to accept, that each minute only contains sixty seconds, and therefore there's 42 five second segments in three minute and thirty second period. This is a tragedy not only for the American minute, but also for me personally. It makes the fact that my first draft of my new novel is due in eight thousand, six hundred and forty minutes, forty percent more terrifying.
Second period: it's supposed to be History but your teacher is lazy and all you ever do is watch TV shows he taped. Hank, I feel like one of my duties to you as the brother who does own a working television, is to keep you informed periodically about what's going on in the world of entertainment. Paula Abdul has a drug problem. Ivanka Trump is improbably attractive.
Period Three: Physical Education. Hank, the Bears are just one game away from the Superbowl, and if I have my way I will be filming Brotherhood 2.0 from the Superbowl.
Fourth Period: English. Hank, your Battle of the Books inspired me to have my own Battle of the Books because I thought that your Battle of the Books was hilarious, and then I thought maybe my Battle of the Books could be kind of like a pale imitation and people would laugh and say "well, it's good, but it's not as funny as Hank's" and you know, that's pretty much my goal with this thing.
Round one: The American edition of Looking for Alaska versus the Dutch edition of Looking for Alaska. (uses the books as puppets)
American: Hey, how's it goin?
Dutch: OK, how are you?
American: Hey, why don't you have an accent?
Dutch: Uh, I don't, I don't do accents, I think they're weird.
American: AAAHHHRRRAAARAARAA (Slams into Dutch one, stands on top of other) Sigh.
(in high voice): Oh wait, no! It's the Danish edition of Looking for Alaska! Dodadoodadoodadooo
And the British edition! Wait are the British on the American side? Or are they on the Dutch side? Oh my God, they're for Europe, not America! (Both double team and slam on the American)
(cuts back to John) It wasn't until I started editing that that I realized- Oh my God, I am such a loser. I can't even bring myself to show you the Hemingway versus Faulkner one, it's even more embarrassing.
Announcements: Hank, could you possibly mail me some of the misprinted EcoGeek business cards, just like, five of them? Thanks. You can get my address from Mom and Dad. Also, can we agree to have our Happy Dance compilation video done around the end of February? (slaps face/ shakes shoulders/ rubs hand in hair) OK, OK OK big day big day big day big day. 2,000 words, 2,000 words 2,000 words, 2,000 words. OK, I'm gonna go back to bed.
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