Good morning Hank, it's Thursday, congratulations on your song yesterday. It was your best song ever.
Hank, a couple months ago I did a video that was about, like, a day in the life of a writer. And it was me, and Scott Westerfeld and Maureen Johnson, hanging out in a hotel room and writing. And that was really fun. So I thought I would do a follow up called A Day in the Life of a Writer, uh, Who Doesn't Have Any Friends. So now that I've moved to Indianapolis what happens every morning is that I get up and I sit down in this chair, or possibly outside, and the first thing that I do is, uh, I listen to, uh, your song.
(Accio Deathly Hallows plays) God that's a good song. So after I've listened to your song I spend about 30 minutes missing my old writing friends from New York. So I'll say to myself, I wonder what Scott and Jacine are doing today? They're probably having fun. Probably having a fancy lunch. Maureen's just gotten back from England, I bet she's having some fun. Probably writing a funny blog post. I wish they were here. It's kind of boring. This room echoes. Echo. Echo. I'm lonely lonely lonely lonely (mimics echo)!
Hank, after all of my warm up is over I proceed to do, uh, this: (types). And that goes on for about seven hours. The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing it well or doing it poorly it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.
Today I've been working on a part of my new novel that's about a hundred and fifty pages in, but I thought just for fun, I might read you the prologue, since people in My Pants have been spending so much time debating what my book is about, I thought maybe I would give them the slightest hint.
The way I figure it, everyone gets a miracle. Like, I will probably never be struck by lightning, or become the dictator of a small nation in the Pacific islands, or contract terminal ear canal cancer, or spontaneously combust. But if you consider all the unlikely things together, at least one of them will probably happen to each of us. Admittedly the world contains a lot of people. But it also contains a lot of unlikelihoods. I could have seen it rain frogs in my home town. I could have stepped foot on Mars. I could have been eaten by an Orca. I could have married the Queen of England, or survived months at sea. But my miracle was different. My miracle was Margo.
Hank I'll see you tomorrow, and since I won't have a chance to speak to you again until you're finished with Harry Potter, I just wanted to say I hope it lives up to your every expectation. I mean if the book is as good as the song you wrote, then it's gonna be one heck of a book.
Showing posts with label Novel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Novel. Show all posts
Monday, November 8
Sunday, November 7
July 9: The Punishment Fiasco
Good morning Hank it's Monday, July 9th. Welcome to my guest bedroom. By the way for the last two weeks I've been giving you a tour of my house. Have you noticed? Hank over the last few days several commenters and also some people in My Pants have said that you and I, uh, textually communicated on purpose because we miss getting punished. Would that it were so. The fact of the matter is that we're just really stupid. I mean, I don't think you're that stupid, I think that you were probably doing six at once and just happened to textually communicate with me. I think that I'm stupid. I don't enjoy punishments, although I do enjoy you getting punished.
Hank to prove to you that I didn't get punished on purpose, I'm going to recreate the actual textual communication we had. So I'm sittin around, working on my new book, thinking about what the title should be and all of a sudden, on my screen, up pops a video chat request from you. And I say to myself, well, you know, video isn't text so that's allowed. So I hit OK, but for some reason it doesn't work, doesn't go through. And then I get a text screen pops up that says OK I'm here now. And I'm like, is that Katherine? Did Katherine go up on Hank's IM? And so I say, Katherine? And the person responds, no Hank. And then I'm like (dances) YES YES YES YES YES YES! And I'm sitting there and I'm thinking to myself he's gonna get punished. He's so punished. And then I just wanted to tell ya, Hank. I just wanted to tell you how punished you were. And so I said Dude, you are so punished! And then I hit return.
(image of a Nerdfighters live here sign) Wait, I ju- we just need to take a quick time out from this story. Just to say Nerdfighters!
Honestly Hank? Even after I typed enter, even after I saw the words Dude you are so punished pop up on the screen. I was just like dobidydoobidydabidydabididoodoo. And then I noticed that you weren't writing back, and I was like, why isn't Hank writing back to me? And then I said, oh, right it's because we're not textually communicating. Doh! Stupid stupid stupid! GAHH I'm gonna get punished!
I think that we have your punishment all set up in My Pants. It look like your punishment is definitely going to involve wait- can we- can we go ahead and cue up the- (image of Hank in makeup) YES! Yes! It's going to involve recreating that! I don't know the other details, but it's definitely going to involve recreating that picture.
As for my punishment, it doesn't seem like anyone's said a lot of anything, and Hank maybe you could go into My Pants and help people talk about it and pick stuff that you think would be particularly harmful to me.
Oh, and Hank, quick side note: I know that we can't veto our punishments, obviously, because then they wouldn't be punishments, but I do think that our wives should have the right to veto punishments that the Nerdfighters suggest for us. Because nothing against the Nerdfighters, but sometimes they suggest punishments that are sort of, uh, maniacal. Like, oh, I think you should have to do your happy dance in public 200 times and then after that you should have to saw off your leg. Now the fact that I don't want to saw off my leg shouldn't figure into the punishment thing at all. But the fact that the Yeti doesn't want me to saw off my leg that's a deal breaker to me. So I hope we can agree: wives have veto power. And, uh, I will see you tomorrow. But more importantly, hopefully by Thursday, I will see (image) this guy again!
Hank to prove to you that I didn't get punished on purpose, I'm going to recreate the actual textual communication we had. So I'm sittin around, working on my new book, thinking about what the title should be and all of a sudden, on my screen, up pops a video chat request from you. And I say to myself, well, you know, video isn't text so that's allowed. So I hit OK, but for some reason it doesn't work, doesn't go through. And then I get a text screen pops up that says OK I'm here now. And I'm like, is that Katherine? Did Katherine go up on Hank's IM? And so I say, Katherine? And the person responds, no Hank. And then I'm like (dances) YES YES YES YES YES YES! And I'm sitting there and I'm thinking to myself he's gonna get punished. He's so punished. And then I just wanted to tell ya, Hank. I just wanted to tell you how punished you were. And so I said Dude, you are so punished! And then I hit return.
(image of a Nerdfighters live here sign) Wait, I ju- we just need to take a quick time out from this story. Just to say Nerdfighters!
Honestly Hank? Even after I typed enter, even after I saw the words Dude you are so punished pop up on the screen. I was just like dobidydoobidydabidydabididoodoo. And then I noticed that you weren't writing back, and I was like, why isn't Hank writing back to me? And then I said, oh, right it's because we're not textually communicating. Doh! Stupid stupid stupid! GAHH I'm gonna get punished!
I think that we have your punishment all set up in My Pants. It look like your punishment is definitely going to involve wait- can we- can we go ahead and cue up the- (image of Hank in makeup) YES! Yes! It's going to involve recreating that! I don't know the other details, but it's definitely going to involve recreating that picture.
As for my punishment, it doesn't seem like anyone's said a lot of anything, and Hank maybe you could go into My Pants and help people talk about it and pick stuff that you think would be particularly harmful to me.
Oh, and Hank, quick side note: I know that we can't veto our punishments, obviously, because then they wouldn't be punishments, but I do think that our wives should have the right to veto punishments that the Nerdfighters suggest for us. Because nothing against the Nerdfighters, but sometimes they suggest punishments that are sort of, uh, maniacal. Like, oh, I think you should have to do your happy dance in public 200 times and then after that you should have to saw off your leg. Now the fact that I don't want to saw off my leg shouldn't figure into the punishment thing at all. But the fact that the Yeti doesn't want me to saw off my leg that's a deal breaker to me. So I hope we can agree: wives have veto power. And, uh, I will see you tomorrow. But more importantly, hopefully by Thursday, I will see (image) this guy again!
Brotherhood 2.0: July 2nd: The Law of Compound Nerdfighting
Good morning, Hank, it's Monday, July 2nd, the first day of the second half of Brotherhood 2.0. It's also coincidentally the second day of National Finish A Revision Of Your Book I Mean Seriously Come On Month, also known by its acronym, NAFAROYBIMSCOM. Incidentally, Hank, I still haven't settled on a title.
Hank, holy crap! You and me and the Nerdfighters raised many, many thousands of dollars for Kiva.org over the weekend. Hey Hank, do you remember in my video on Thursday when I said that we couldn't personally open a microfinance bank because it takes really wealthy people to open a microfinance bank, and so instead we would have to rely on Kiva.org?
It turns out that when I said that, I was forgetting about the law of compound Nerdfighting! The law of compound Nerdfighting is sort of similar to the law of compound interest which, Hank, I'm sure you remember from when Dad tried to tell us about it a million times when we were kids. As far as I can remember, the law of compound interest states that you have to put a little bit of money in the bank when you're a kid, and then by the time you're old, it's become a lot of money. And the reason for that is this very complex fiscal thing known as magic.
The law of compound Nerdfighting is similar in that it also involves magic. The law of compound Nerdfighting states that 100 Nerdfighters as a group can do things that 100 Nerdfighters as individuals could not do. (image of T-shirt) In this example seen in this t-shirt that you own, Hank, we see that 100 Nerdfighters together can beat up a popular kid. By the way, Hank, I've been thinking that maybe the opposite of Nerdfighter is Decepticon. Do you like it?
What I learned this weekend is that we actually probably could have started a microfinance bank if we'd only known about the law of compound Nerdfighting, because people were extremely generous. I mean, we have funded a lot of loans now, and over the course of next week, we're going to continue to fund loans. And we're going to fund loans like crazy! We're gonna help people open bakeries and shoe stores. The other day we helped a guy who wanted to start a lasso factory. A lasso factory? That's so awesome! How come I didn't think of that?
But there's only one problem, Hank. The Nerdfighters are probably getting kind of tapped out. What we need is more Nerdfighters. Hank, I never really craved more Nerdfighters until this weekend. I mean, there's plenty of people out there who are Nerdfighters who just don't know about the term yet. Hank, what we have is an acute Nerdfighter shortage! We gotta do something about this. Hank, I think broadly speaking, there are four kinds of people in the world. First, you have your Decepticons, you know, not Nerdfighters. Then you have your Nerdfighters, you know, me, you, Tobias, Otter, all the commenters, all the people who hang out in My Pants, all the people who write Nerdfighting songs, that kind of thing. Then you've got what I like to call your Nerdfighters-In-Training, or your NiTs. Your NiTs are your lurkers, your occasional viewers, that kind of thing. Then you've got people who would be Nerdfighters, but they don't even know what a Nerdfighter is yet. That's very troubling, Hank, because those are the people who could be giving to Kiva.org to pick up where the current Nerdfighters are having to leave off because they're out of money to lend.
So Hank, what I'm gonna propose is a series of mass promotions! First, we have to promote the Nerdfighters to being Senior Executive Nerdfighters. Then, we're going to promote the NiTs to being Nerdfighters. Then, we're going to take all the people who do not yet know that they are Nerdfighters, and we are gonna promote them to NiTs! Hank, we have to find a way to tell these people that they're NiTs. And then we have to tell them to loan money to Kiva.org because the law of compound Nerdfighting says it clearly, Hank, the more there are of us, the fewer there will be of them. I'll see you tomorrow.
Hank, holy crap! You and me and the Nerdfighters raised many, many thousands of dollars for Kiva.org over the weekend. Hey Hank, do you remember in my video on Thursday when I said that we couldn't personally open a microfinance bank because it takes really wealthy people to open a microfinance bank, and so instead we would have to rely on Kiva.org?
It turns out that when I said that, I was forgetting about the law of compound Nerdfighting! The law of compound Nerdfighting is sort of similar to the law of compound interest which, Hank, I'm sure you remember from when Dad tried to tell us about it a million times when we were kids. As far as I can remember, the law of compound interest states that you have to put a little bit of money in the bank when you're a kid, and then by the time you're old, it's become a lot of money. And the reason for that is this very complex fiscal thing known as magic.
The law of compound Nerdfighting is similar in that it also involves magic. The law of compound Nerdfighting states that 100 Nerdfighters as a group can do things that 100 Nerdfighters as individuals could not do. (image of T-shirt) In this example seen in this t-shirt that you own, Hank, we see that 100 Nerdfighters together can beat up a popular kid. By the way, Hank, I've been thinking that maybe the opposite of Nerdfighter is Decepticon. Do you like it?
What I learned this weekend is that we actually probably could have started a microfinance bank if we'd only known about the law of compound Nerdfighting, because people were extremely generous. I mean, we have funded a lot of loans now, and over the course of next week, we're going to continue to fund loans. And we're going to fund loans like crazy! We're gonna help people open bakeries and shoe stores. The other day we helped a guy who wanted to start a lasso factory. A lasso factory? That's so awesome! How come I didn't think of that?
But there's only one problem, Hank. The Nerdfighters are probably getting kind of tapped out. What we need is more Nerdfighters. Hank, I never really craved more Nerdfighters until this weekend. I mean, there's plenty of people out there who are Nerdfighters who just don't know about the term yet. Hank, what we have is an acute Nerdfighter shortage! We gotta do something about this. Hank, I think broadly speaking, there are four kinds of people in the world. First, you have your Decepticons, you know, not Nerdfighters. Then you have your Nerdfighters, you know, me, you, Tobias, Otter, all the commenters, all the people who hang out in My Pants, all the people who write Nerdfighting songs, that kind of thing. Then you've got what I like to call your Nerdfighters-In-Training, or your NiTs. Your NiTs are your lurkers, your occasional viewers, that kind of thing. Then you've got people who would be Nerdfighters, but they don't even know what a Nerdfighter is yet. That's very troubling, Hank, because those are the people who could be giving to Kiva.org to pick up where the current Nerdfighters are having to leave off because they're out of money to lend.
So Hank, what I'm gonna propose is a series of mass promotions! First, we have to promote the Nerdfighters to being Senior Executive Nerdfighters. Then, we're going to promote the NiTs to being Nerdfighters. Then, we're going to take all the people who do not yet know that they are Nerdfighters, and we are gonna promote them to NiTs! Hank, we have to find a way to tell these people that they're NiTs. And then we have to tell them to loan money to Kiva.org because the law of compound Nerdfighting says it clearly, Hank, the more there are of us, the fewer there will be of them. I'll see you tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) Hank, speaking of us and them, there's an interesting conversation about post-colonial theory going on in the comments. That's the kind of thing that maybe we could talk about in My Pants. Oh, and that's one more difference between people who aren't Nerdfighters and people who are NiTs and people who are Nerdfighters. People who aren't yet Nerdfighters are like, (talking into pants) Why is that guy talking about post-colonial theory in his pants? And then people who are NiTs are like, Oh man, I should really join that forum. And people who are Nerdfighters are already starting the thread.
Wednesday, November 3
Brotherhood 2.0: April 2: A Day in the Writer's Life
Writing group: Good morning, Hank. It’s Wednesday, April 4th.
John: Hank, I think Maureen Johnson has a special message for you.
Maureen: Hi, Hank. Um, I…what is my special message? Just that I…I think you’re great, and the Hummer thing…do the Hummer thing. And let me tell you why! Let me tell you why! Did you not…? Hank is gonna take a Hummer for a ride and tell the whole world why Hummers suck. (two thumbs up) “H” for Hank; “H” for Hummer. This won’t be in it. It will be, like, one second of my face and then back to John talking about himself.
John: Back to me talking about myself. Hank, several weeks ago commenter Peter asked to see what it’s like when I’m working. So I thought I’d show you that. So, Hank, today we’re writing in a hotel room. (out the window to city scape) Look how pretty it is. Hank, I write a lot with my friends Maureen Johnson and Scott Westerfeld. (close-up of his face) God, that is a big zit. Today we were joined by Justine Larbalestier and Lauren McLaughlin. (a stuffed monkey sits beside a laptop) And Maureen Johnson’s pet monkey.
Mostly I sit and look at the computer. (everyone just sits, staring at their computers and typing) See, it’s a non-stop thrill ride! You just saw me write, like, three new sentences in my novel, all of which I will eventually delete, I’m sure. Then after awhile I put stuff in my eye. And then, inevitably, we start talking. John: Anything but my bald spot.
Maureen: The Scott Westerfeld story. [laughter]
John: What the…? Anything but My Bald Spot: The Scott Westerfeld story? This is the best possible title for the unauthorized biography I will write of you.
Maureen: Yeah, what…what’s everybody’s…uh, what’s…what’s yours?
Justine or Lauren (whoever’s holding the camera): Didn’t we have one for John earlier?
Maureen: I thought we had one for you earlier. Guys, do I look small?
John: Is it possible to have ankle cancer? The Japanese woman…
(back to just John) Then we work for awhile. (they sit around working) And then we talk again.
Scott: Can I ask you guys something?
All: Yeah.
Scott: Can…so, can a floodlight have a beam?
John: Like, instead of a cone?
Maureen: Or a skirt.
Scott: Well…I mean…this…if you have insects dancing in the light being shed by something…
John: In the beam of the light.
Scott: The beam of a light…but it’s a floodlight, so it’s not-
John: So it’s not a beam. It’s more of a cone, or a skirt
Scott: More of a cone.
Maureen: But don’t…
John: But you can’t have…you can’t have…you can’t have him dancing in a skirt of the light. Like…the cone could be…
Scott: It’s true…in the hem of the floodlight.
John: The hem of the floodlight! The hem of the floodlight skirt. That’s nice; that’s not too awkward.
Scott: How ‘bout the skirt of light coming from the floodlight?
Maureen: Do you really need these bugs?
Scott: No.
(later)
Maureen: I’m like Princess Diana: not afraid to touch the lepers, you know? I’ll sit…I’ll sit close to you.
(later)
John: Funkypenguin402 asks, “What will the Looking for Alaska movie be rated?” Here’s a more important question: When will the Looking for Alaska movie be made?
Scott: What will John Green be paid for the Looking for Alaska movie?
Scott: When will principal photography start?
John: (by himself) So, Hank, that’s how I spend my days writing. God, it’s not even a zit so much as it’s a character flaw. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
John: Hank, I think Maureen Johnson has a special message for you.
Maureen: Hi, Hank. Um, I…what is my special message? Just that I…I think you’re great, and the Hummer thing…do the Hummer thing. And let me tell you why! Let me tell you why! Did you not…? Hank is gonna take a Hummer for a ride and tell the whole world why Hummers suck. (two thumbs up) “H” for Hank; “H” for Hummer. This won’t be in it. It will be, like, one second of my face and then back to John talking about himself.
John: Back to me talking about myself. Hank, several weeks ago commenter Peter asked to see what it’s like when I’m working. So I thought I’d show you that. So, Hank, today we’re writing in a hotel room. (out the window to city scape) Look how pretty it is. Hank, I write a lot with my friends Maureen Johnson and Scott Westerfeld. (close-up of his face) God, that is a big zit. Today we were joined by Justine Larbalestier and Lauren McLaughlin. (a stuffed monkey sits beside a laptop) And Maureen Johnson’s pet monkey.
Mostly I sit and look at the computer. (everyone just sits, staring at their computers and typing) See, it’s a non-stop thrill ride! You just saw me write, like, three new sentences in my novel, all of which I will eventually delete, I’m sure. Then after awhile I put stuff in my eye. And then, inevitably, we start talking. John: Anything but my bald spot.
Maureen: The Scott Westerfeld story. [laughter]
John: What the…? Anything but My Bald Spot: The Scott Westerfeld story? This is the best possible title for the unauthorized biography I will write of you.
Maureen: Yeah, what…what’s everybody’s…uh, what’s…what’s yours?
Justine or Lauren (whoever’s holding the camera): Didn’t we have one for John earlier?
Maureen: I thought we had one for you earlier. Guys, do I look small?
John: Is it possible to have ankle cancer? The Japanese woman…
(back to just John) Then we work for awhile. (they sit around working) And then we talk again.
Scott: Can I ask you guys something?
All: Yeah.
Scott: Can…so, can a floodlight have a beam?
John: Like, instead of a cone?
Maureen: Or a skirt.
Scott: Well…I mean…this…if you have insects dancing in the light being shed by something…
John: In the beam of the light.
Scott: The beam of a light…but it’s a floodlight, so it’s not-
John: So it’s not a beam. It’s more of a cone, or a skirt
Scott: More of a cone.
Maureen: But don’t…
John: But you can’t have…you can’t have…you can’t have him dancing in a skirt of the light. Like…the cone could be…
Scott: It’s true…in the hem of the floodlight.
John: The hem of the floodlight! The hem of the floodlight skirt. That’s nice; that’s not too awkward.
Scott: How ‘bout the skirt of light coming from the floodlight?
Maureen: Do you really need these bugs?
Scott: No.
(later)
Maureen: I’m like Princess Diana: not afraid to touch the lepers, you know? I’ll sit…I’ll sit close to you.
(later)
John: Funkypenguin402 asks, “What will the Looking for Alaska movie be rated?” Here’s a more important question: When will the Looking for Alaska movie be made?
Scott: What will John Green be paid for the Looking for Alaska movie?
Scott: When will principal photography start?
John: (by himself) So, Hank, that’s how I spend my days writing. God, it’s not even a zit so much as it’s a character flaw. Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 2
Brotherhood 2.0: February 19, 2007
Daniel: Good morning, Hank. It’s Monday, February 19th: Presidents’ Day.
John: Hank, that was Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss. Daniel’s here because his brother Jonathan is playing a concert at Carnegie Hall. Oh, and speaking of concerts, I’ve had a lot of fun reading and listening to and watching all of the responses to your video survey. It turns out that our viewers, by and large, uh, had terrible taste in music when they were children. Let’s just go over some of their first concerts: - *NSync - Paula Abdul - Chicago - Huey Lewis and the News - The New Kids on the Block - The Spice Girls - The Oak Ridge Boys - La Toya Jackson
La Toya Jackson? Who goes to a La Toya Jackson concert? Did La Toya Jackson ever even make music? I thought she was just a stripper!
John: Hank, that was Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss. Daniel’s here because his brother Jonathan is playing a concert at Carnegie Hall. Oh, and speaking of concerts, I’ve had a lot of fun reading and listening to and watching all of the responses to your video survey. It turns out that our viewers, by and large, uh, had terrible taste in music when they were children. Let’s just go over some of their first concerts: - *NSync - Paula Abdul - Chicago - Huey Lewis and the News - The New Kids on the Block - The Spice Girls - The Oak Ridge Boys - La Toya Jackson
La Toya Jackson? Who goes to a La Toya Jackson concert? Did La Toya Jackson ever even make music? I thought she was just a stripper!
But a couple of our viewers’ first concerts were pretty frackin’ awesome. Lauren K. went to see The Dead Milkmen, one of our favorite bands, um, and she would definitely be the winner for awesomest first concert were it not for Christopher, whose first concert was at the state fair (laughs) hold on, hold on…and featured Weird Al Yankovic opening for the three remaining Monkees.
But the most disturbing thing about your first concert question is that two Brotherhood 2.0 viewers have apparently never been to a concert. Hank, I think it’s vitally important that we get Milica and Amy to a concert as soon as possible, and that’s why I’m proposing the creation of the Brotherhood 2.0 Concert Scholarship Fund for Milica and Amy and Also, Possibly, Other Brotherhood 2.0 Viewers Who Have Not Been to Concerts. (sigh) The name is unwieldy; I think we need to work on that. Anyway, I’m going to give $20 to this scholarship fund. I hope that you will match my pledge.
Hank, the other question I really liked was the question was the question about how you have to invent your own question and then answer it. I wanted to answer some of my favorite questions that other people posed.
Kelly Fineman asks, “If you could own a house anywhere in the world, other than the U.S., where would it be?” Ireland.
Allie Carter asks, “Is your new book going to be worth all the effort?” (shoulders slump, head sags, puts hands over face, looks extremely depressed)
And, finally, Laura asks, “Where is the weirdest place you’ve ever brushed your teeth?” Good question.
(“Monosyllabic Girl” by NOFX plays) (John brushes his teeth under a desk, John climbs into a trash bin on the street with toothbrush in his mouth and proceeds to keep brushing. John walks up the stairs from the subway brushing his teeth. John brushes his teeth in a tree. John slides and rolls down and a snowy hill while brushing his teeth, finishing by giving a thumbs-up sign at the camera.)
But the most disturbing thing about your first concert question is that two Brotherhood 2.0 viewers have apparently never been to a concert. Hank, I think it’s vitally important that we get Milica and Amy to a concert as soon as possible, and that’s why I’m proposing the creation of the Brotherhood 2.0 Concert Scholarship Fund for Milica and Amy and Also, Possibly, Other Brotherhood 2.0 Viewers Who Have Not Been to Concerts. (sigh) The name is unwieldy; I think we need to work on that. Anyway, I’m going to give $20 to this scholarship fund. I hope that you will match my pledge.
Hank, the other question I really liked was the question was the question about how you have to invent your own question and then answer it. I wanted to answer some of my favorite questions that other people posed.
Kelly Fineman asks, “If you could own a house anywhere in the world, other than the U.S., where would it be?” Ireland.
Allie Carter asks, “Is your new book going to be worth all the effort?” (shoulders slump, head sags, puts hands over face, looks extremely depressed)
And, finally, Laura asks, “Where is the weirdest place you’ve ever brushed your teeth?” Good question.
(“Monosyllabic Girl” by NOFX plays) (John brushes his teeth under a desk, John climbs into a trash bin on the street with toothbrush in his mouth and proceeds to keep brushing. John walks up the stairs from the subway brushing his teeth. John brushes his teeth in a tree. John slides and rolls down and a snowy hill while brushing his teeth, finishing by giving a thumbs-up sign at the camera.)
(back in apartment) Hank, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Brotherhood 2.0: February 9, 2007
Good morning Hank, it's Friday, February 9th, and it's laundry day. (shows washer/dryer) You will note that we have the world's smallest washing machine. It was the only washing machine slash dryer that was ever designed exclusively for Lilliputians. Let's see how many clothes it will fit! One shirt, one pair of boxers, one pair of pants, two pairs of, wait, what's this? (pulls out a book) Oh, it's The Naked and the Dead in My Pants! Two socks, one pair of boxers, and, it's completely full, in fact it's kind of overstuffed. I might have to take out one of the socks.
Hank, I talked to Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss and it turns out that there's a huge gaping flaw in your mathematical theorem about old people and dying and banjo concerts. The problem is this: A 70 year old may live, on average, to be 83 years old, but that doesn't mean that a 71 year old is just as likely to die as an 82 year old; in fact the vast majority of people are going to die closer to 82 than they are to 71. If you want to see a person die at a banjo concert, the key is not to go to banjo concerts that feature older people, the key is to go to longer banjo concerts; like thirteen year long banjo concerts.
Hank, several Brotherhood 2.0 commenters have been asking three questions about my new book: "What's it called," "When is it going to come out," and "What's it about?" I am now happy to answer all of those questions, although I'm going to answer one of them with a long series of lies. The book is called Paper Towns, it will be published in September of 2008, it's about life in an orphanage in Imperial Japan in the 17th century. It's about the world origami championship of 2004. It's the story of a special boy and his special dog. I don't wanna ruin it for you, but the dog dies. It's about an ambiguously gendered child growing up in a Greek American family. It's about Hamlet. It's a historical novel in which I imagine the teenage years of Emily Dickinson. It's about a face that is half in the dark and half in the light. It's about coming to terms with the fact that even though sometimes even though you eat the points you're supposed to eat you still don't get less fat. It's about when the last ding dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will be one more sound, that of man's puny exhaustible voice, still talking. It's about a girl name Becca who has a very happy birthday!
Hank, I'll be watching you on Monday from lovely Washington, DC. See you then!
Hank, I talked to Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss and it turns out that there's a huge gaping flaw in your mathematical theorem about old people and dying and banjo concerts. The problem is this: A 70 year old may live, on average, to be 83 years old, but that doesn't mean that a 71 year old is just as likely to die as an 82 year old; in fact the vast majority of people are going to die closer to 82 than they are to 71. If you want to see a person die at a banjo concert, the key is not to go to banjo concerts that feature older people, the key is to go to longer banjo concerts; like thirteen year long banjo concerts.
Hank, several Brotherhood 2.0 commenters have been asking three questions about my new book: "What's it called," "When is it going to come out," and "What's it about?" I am now happy to answer all of those questions, although I'm going to answer one of them with a long series of lies. The book is called Paper Towns, it will be published in September of 2008, it's about life in an orphanage in Imperial Japan in the 17th century. It's about the world origami championship of 2004. It's the story of a special boy and his special dog. I don't wanna ruin it for you, but the dog dies. It's about an ambiguously gendered child growing up in a Greek American family. It's about Hamlet. It's a historical novel in which I imagine the teenage years of Emily Dickinson. It's about a face that is half in the dark and half in the light. It's about coming to terms with the fact that even though sometimes even though you eat the points you're supposed to eat you still don't get less fat. It's about when the last ding dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will be one more sound, that of man's puny exhaustible voice, still talking. It's about a girl name Becca who has a very happy birthday!
Hank, I'll be watching you on Monday from lovely Washington, DC. See you then!
Brotherhood 2.0: January 31st
(Shots of Hank sitting atop various bulldog statues, each a different size and color) Hi John! Hi John! Hi John! Hi John! Hi John! This is making my balls cold! Hi John! Howdy Johnny-boy! Hi… John… I guess? Good morning, John! It’s Wednesday, January 31st.
(Hank in living room) The University of Georgia’s mascot is a bulldog, so they covered the town of Athens with bulldogs, and I covered their bulldogs with myself. That’s a pretty normal thing to do on a Tuesday evening, isn’t it? In keeping with the tradition of movie magic-ing, that was actually not filmed today, nor was it filmed yesterday. It was filmed on the day of my last video, but I had already filmed the intro for that day in Ashville, so I had to use that day’s footage for today’s intro. So I’m not actually in Athens anymore, I’m in Orlando, Florida. Welcome to Orlando, where everything sucks. Okay, not everything sucks or else I wouldn’t be here, right? So the people, some of them, are very cool.
John Green, as you are playing the Nintendo Wii, I can only assume that you have finished your first draft of your book. Because there is no way you’re gonna finish your first draft of your book after you get a Wii. Very exciting news that you finished your first draft of the as-yet-unnamed third book of John Green, and also very good news that you have a Wii, which leads me to the punishment. Someone suggested that you send me your Wii as punishment, ohohoh, yeah! But, I am not that much of a jerk. So, getting down to business, I have to come up with a punishment, and I got a lot of them to choose from. Some people are calling you a standup citizen for agreeing to do the punishment before I told you to do the punishment. But you called me on the phone and tried to convince me that it wasn’t a punishable offense that you sent me that e-mail. I just wanted to set the record straight on that one. Now the e-mail wasn’t really a personal communication, so I can see why maybe a little bit there’s some leeway there, so I’m not gonna give you the worst punishments possible. In fact, I think I’m gonna give you a choice. And I honestly don’t know which one you will choose, but you have to do one of the two following things: Grow your facial hair for a week, and then wax your chin, or fill a large bowl with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and then watch it melt. Additionally, I agree with the majority of our commenters that in my pants is funnier than in your pants when it comes to Everyone Poops. Everyone Poops in My Pants is a sad story, whereas Everyone Poops in Your Pants is funny story. And I think our viewers will agree with me when I say that funny stories about poop aren’t as funny as sad stories about poop. And I am waiting in great anticipation for the picture book Everyone Poops in My Pants.
John Green, I will see you tomorrow.
(Cut to Brotherhood 2.0 sign) (Cut back to Hank)
Another Brotherhood 2.0 special feature is upon us, and this one is slightly disturbing. You might want to cover up the kiddies’ eyes, I’m not doing what it looks like I’m doing to this bulldog.
(Cut to Hank riding a small bulldog) Katherine: Ride it! (Music plays has Hank bounces on statue)
Katherine (to bulldog): How do you feel about what’s just happened to you? That wasn’t very comfortable, was it?
(Hank in living room) The University of Georgia’s mascot is a bulldog, so they covered the town of Athens with bulldogs, and I covered their bulldogs with myself. That’s a pretty normal thing to do on a Tuesday evening, isn’t it? In keeping with the tradition of movie magic-ing, that was actually not filmed today, nor was it filmed yesterday. It was filmed on the day of my last video, but I had already filmed the intro for that day in Ashville, so I had to use that day’s footage for today’s intro. So I’m not actually in Athens anymore, I’m in Orlando, Florida. Welcome to Orlando, where everything sucks. Okay, not everything sucks or else I wouldn’t be here, right? So the people, some of them, are very cool.
John Green, as you are playing the Nintendo Wii, I can only assume that you have finished your first draft of your book. Because there is no way you’re gonna finish your first draft of your book after you get a Wii. Very exciting news that you finished your first draft of the as-yet-unnamed third book of John Green, and also very good news that you have a Wii, which leads me to the punishment. Someone suggested that you send me your Wii as punishment, ohohoh, yeah! But, I am not that much of a jerk. So, getting down to business, I have to come up with a punishment, and I got a lot of them to choose from. Some people are calling you a standup citizen for agreeing to do the punishment before I told you to do the punishment. But you called me on the phone and tried to convince me that it wasn’t a punishable offense that you sent me that e-mail. I just wanted to set the record straight on that one. Now the e-mail wasn’t really a personal communication, so I can see why maybe a little bit there’s some leeway there, so I’m not gonna give you the worst punishments possible. In fact, I think I’m gonna give you a choice. And I honestly don’t know which one you will choose, but you have to do one of the two following things: Grow your facial hair for a week, and then wax your chin, or fill a large bowl with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and then watch it melt. Additionally, I agree with the majority of our commenters that in my pants is funnier than in your pants when it comes to Everyone Poops. Everyone Poops in My Pants is a sad story, whereas Everyone Poops in Your Pants is funny story. And I think our viewers will agree with me when I say that funny stories about poop aren’t as funny as sad stories about poop. And I am waiting in great anticipation for the picture book Everyone Poops in My Pants.
John Green, I will see you tomorrow.
(Cut to Brotherhood 2.0 sign) (Cut back to Hank)
Another Brotherhood 2.0 special feature is upon us, and this one is slightly disturbing. You might want to cover up the kiddies’ eyes, I’m not doing what it looks like I’m doing to this bulldog.
(Cut to Hank riding a small bulldog) Katherine: Ride it! (Music plays has Hank bounces on statue)
Katherine (to bulldog): How do you feel about what’s just happened to you? That wasn’t very comfortable, was it?
Brotherhood 2.0: January 24, 2007
Good morning Hank, it's Thursday January 24th.
Today's blog entry comes in two parts. Part one: the first part of the survey, part two: In your pants.
Yeti sock puppet: How long have you known Hank and Katherine?
John: Thanks for asking that question, puppet. I've known Hank since he was born, and I've known Katherine since, I believe, 1999.
Puppet: What do you want from us?
John: You know, puppet, I think that's what the Buddhists would call a question wrongly phrased. The question is not, what do I want from my brother, the question is what does my brother want from me. And the answer to that question is, I believe, a Nintendo Wii. That, that's also what I want from my brother.
Puppet: What are you doing?
John: I'm writing books for teenagers and doing this weird video project with my brother.
Puppet: Why are you doing it?
John: Well I write books because it makes me feel less, like, worthless.
Puppet: What's next?
John: Well, the major next at the moment is finishing my new and as yet untitled third book.
Puppet: How you doin?
John: I'm doin really well, sock puppet, and thank you for asking.
Puppet: What's the best book you read this year?
John: Uh, the best book I read last year is probably The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak. (holds up Printz stickers and The Book Thief) Where should it go? Where? Oh, right beneath his name, I think. Congratulations, Marcus. Definitely deserved.
So, I went around my home library and found some books that I think benefit from the In Your Pants rule, and I'd like to share them with you. Marcus Zusak's second novel, Getting the Girl in Your Pants. The unfathomably bad The Mystery of the Golden Spheres in Your Pants. Rabbit at Rest in Your Pants. (shot of crotch) Man I sure am glad you stopped hopping. The Cheese Monkeys in Your Pants. Then we have two, excellent novels about love and promiscuity: Everyman in Your Pants, and Albert Camus's classic The Stranger in Your Pants. The Little Drummer Girl in Your Pants. (shot of crotch and squirming) Ow, stop drumming Jesus! And of course you have, The Sun Also Rises in Your Pants, which is... which is actually what The Sun Also Rises is about. The Thin Man in Your Pants. (Holds up The Second Coming) I'm just not gonna say a word. The Echo Maker in Your Pants. (holds pants up to face) HELLO Hello hello hello hello hello. (stares at camera) OK, I never thought I would do that in a video blog. Everything That Rises Must Converge in Your Pants.
I should add an addendum to the in Your Pants rule, which is that sometimes in your pants isn't the funniest way that you can add to a book title. For instance: Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone in Your Pants is a little funny, not as funny as Will You Miss Me When I've Gone in Your Pants, but the funniest one, I think, is Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants. I believe that is an old Carter family tune:
(sings) Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants
Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants
Will You Miss Me When I'm Go-o-one
Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants?
Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.
Today's blog entry comes in two parts. Part one: the first part of the survey, part two: In your pants.
Yeti sock puppet: How long have you known Hank and Katherine?
John: Thanks for asking that question, puppet. I've known Hank since he was born, and I've known Katherine since, I believe, 1999.
Puppet: What do you want from us?
John: You know, puppet, I think that's what the Buddhists would call a question wrongly phrased. The question is not, what do I want from my brother, the question is what does my brother want from me. And the answer to that question is, I believe, a Nintendo Wii. That, that's also what I want from my brother.
Puppet: What are you doing?
John: I'm writing books for teenagers and doing this weird video project with my brother.
Puppet: Why are you doing it?
John: Well I write books because it makes me feel less, like, worthless.
Puppet: What's next?
John: Well, the major next at the moment is finishing my new and as yet untitled third book.
Puppet: How you doin?
John: I'm doin really well, sock puppet, and thank you for asking.
Puppet: What's the best book you read this year?
John: Uh, the best book I read last year is probably The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak. (holds up Printz stickers and The Book Thief) Where should it go? Where? Oh, right beneath his name, I think. Congratulations, Marcus. Definitely deserved.
So, I went around my home library and found some books that I think benefit from the In Your Pants rule, and I'd like to share them with you. Marcus Zusak's second novel, Getting the Girl in Your Pants. The unfathomably bad The Mystery of the Golden Spheres in Your Pants. Rabbit at Rest in Your Pants. (shot of crotch) Man I sure am glad you stopped hopping. The Cheese Monkeys in Your Pants. Then we have two, excellent novels about love and promiscuity: Everyman in Your Pants, and Albert Camus's classic The Stranger in Your Pants. The Little Drummer Girl in Your Pants. (shot of crotch and squirming) Ow, stop drumming Jesus! And of course you have, The Sun Also Rises in Your Pants, which is... which is actually what The Sun Also Rises is about. The Thin Man in Your Pants. (Holds up The Second Coming) I'm just not gonna say a word. The Echo Maker in Your Pants. (holds pants up to face) HELLO Hello hello hello hello hello. (stares at camera) OK, I never thought I would do that in a video blog. Everything That Rises Must Converge in Your Pants.
I should add an addendum to the in Your Pants rule, which is that sometimes in your pants isn't the funniest way that you can add to a book title. For instance: Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone in Your Pants is a little funny, not as funny as Will You Miss Me When I've Gone in Your Pants, but the funniest one, I think, is Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants. I believe that is an old Carter family tune:
(sings) Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants
Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants
Will You Miss Me When I'm Go-o-one
Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone From Your Pants?
Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.
Brotherhood 2.0: January 18, 2007
(fast-forwarded voice squeaks while John builds/ fails to build a house of cards)
(cut to John) Good morning, Hank. It's Thursday, January 18th. (Does Happy Dance) Yes!
If you're wondering why I'm doing my Happy Dance, it's because I lost three pounds this week! I'm only twelve pounds away from being a light-heavyweight according to the International Boxing Federation. Yes! (Does punch combo while breathing loudly)
Unfortunately I am also doing my sad dance. (Sad Dance) So I may have to extend my deadline by a couple of days which is particularly humiliating considering I shared it in public on our video blog, but I think I will definitely be done by Wednesday. Definitely by Wednesday! Definitely by Wednesday!!! DEFINITELY BY WEDNESDAY! Next Friday by the very latest.
Sometimes when I take a morning off from writing I like to go outside, walk through the park, and play this game. The game called who's outside on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
(sings with accompanying video)
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Funny doooog.
(cut to John) Good morning, Hank. It's Thursday, January 18th. (Does Happy Dance) Yes!
If you're wondering why I'm doing my Happy Dance, it's because I lost three pounds this week! I'm only twelve pounds away from being a light-heavyweight according to the International Boxing Federation. Yes! (Does punch combo while breathing loudly)
Unfortunately I am also doing my sad dance. (Sad Dance) So I may have to extend my deadline by a couple of days which is particularly humiliating considering I shared it in public on our video blog, but I think I will definitely be done by Wednesday. Definitely by Wednesday! Definitely by Wednesday!!! DEFINITELY BY WEDNESDAY! Next Friday by the very latest.
Sometimes when I take a morning off from writing I like to go outside, walk through the park, and play this game. The game called who's outside on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
(sings with accompanying video)
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Funny doooog.
(faster) Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Nanny, nanny, rich kid
Funny doooog.
Brotherhood 2.0: January 16, 2007
Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart: Good morning Hank!
(back to John) Those are world-famous writers Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart. By the way, the Brotherhood 2.0 website looks awesome. It's 6:30 in the morning, I am extremely and I have a long day of writing ahead of me. (Rubs eyes, then shakes face) So we're gonna make this quick, and we're gonna do it school style. First period: Math. I would like to briefly explain the 70/42 mishap. What happened was that I incorrectly believed, and indeed have always believed, that each minute contains one-hundred seconds. Were that to be true, there would be 70 five second segments in each three minute and thirty second period. It turns out, and this is extraordinarily difficult news for me to accept, that each minute only contains sixty seconds, and therefore there's 42 five second segments in three minute and thirty second period. This is a tragedy not only for the American minute, but also for me personally. It makes the fact that my first draft of my new novel is due in eight thousand, six hundred and forty minutes, forty percent more terrifying.
Second period: it's supposed to be History but your teacher is lazy and all you ever do is watch TV shows he taped. Hank, I feel like one of my duties to you as the brother who does own a working television, is to keep you informed periodically about what's going on in the world of entertainment. Paula Abdul has a drug problem. Ivanka Trump is improbably attractive.
Period Three: Physical Education. Hank, the Bears are just one game away from the Superbowl, and if I have my way I will be filming Brotherhood 2.0 from the Superbowl.
Fourth Period: English. Hank, your Battle of the Books inspired me to have my own Battle of the Books because I thought that your Battle of the Books was hilarious, and then I thought maybe my Battle of the Books could be kind of like a pale imitation and people would laugh and say "well, it's good, but it's not as funny as Hank's" and you know, that's pretty much my goal with this thing.
Round one: The American edition of Looking for Alaska versus the Dutch edition of Looking for Alaska. (uses the books as puppets)
American: Hey, how's it goin?
Dutch: OK, how are you?
American: Hey, why don't you have an accent?
Dutch: Uh, I don't, I don't do accents, I think they're weird.
American: AAAHHHRRRAAARAARAA (Slams into Dutch one, stands on top of other) Sigh.
(in high voice): Oh wait, no! It's the Danish edition of Looking for Alaska! Dodadoodadoodadooo
And the British edition! Wait are the British on the American side? Or are they on the Dutch side? Oh my God, they're for Europe, not America! (Both double team and slam on the American)
(cuts back to John) It wasn't until I started editing that that I realized- Oh my God, I am such a loser. I can't even bring myself to show you the Hemingway versus Faulkner one, it's even more embarrassing.
Announcements: Hank, could you possibly mail me some of the misprinted EcoGeek business cards, just like, five of them? Thanks. You can get my address from Mom and Dad. Also, can we agree to have our Happy Dance compilation video done around the end of February? (slaps face/ shakes shoulders/ rubs hand in hair) OK, OK OK big day big day big day big day. 2,000 words, 2,000 words 2,000 words, 2,000 words. OK, I'm gonna go back to bed.
(back to John) Those are world-famous writers Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart. By the way, the Brotherhood 2.0 website looks awesome. It's 6:30 in the morning, I am extremely and I have a long day of writing ahead of me. (Rubs eyes, then shakes face) So we're gonna make this quick, and we're gonna do it school style. First period: Math. I would like to briefly explain the 70/42 mishap. What happened was that I incorrectly believed, and indeed have always believed, that each minute contains one-hundred seconds. Were that to be true, there would be 70 five second segments in each three minute and thirty second period. It turns out, and this is extraordinarily difficult news for me to accept, that each minute only contains sixty seconds, and therefore there's 42 five second segments in three minute and thirty second period. This is a tragedy not only for the American minute, but also for me personally. It makes the fact that my first draft of my new novel is due in eight thousand, six hundred and forty minutes, forty percent more terrifying.
Second period: it's supposed to be History but your teacher is lazy and all you ever do is watch TV shows he taped. Hank, I feel like one of my duties to you as the brother who does own a working television, is to keep you informed periodically about what's going on in the world of entertainment. Paula Abdul has a drug problem. Ivanka Trump is improbably attractive.
Period Three: Physical Education. Hank, the Bears are just one game away from the Superbowl, and if I have my way I will be filming Brotherhood 2.0 from the Superbowl.
Fourth Period: English. Hank, your Battle of the Books inspired me to have my own Battle of the Books because I thought that your Battle of the Books was hilarious, and then I thought maybe my Battle of the Books could be kind of like a pale imitation and people would laugh and say "well, it's good, but it's not as funny as Hank's" and you know, that's pretty much my goal with this thing.
Round one: The American edition of Looking for Alaska versus the Dutch edition of Looking for Alaska. (uses the books as puppets)
American: Hey, how's it goin?
Dutch: OK, how are you?
American: Hey, why don't you have an accent?
Dutch: Uh, I don't, I don't do accents, I think they're weird.
American: AAAHHHRRRAAARAARAA (Slams into Dutch one, stands on top of other) Sigh.
(in high voice): Oh wait, no! It's the Danish edition of Looking for Alaska! Dodadoodadoodadooo
And the British edition! Wait are the British on the American side? Or are they on the Dutch side? Oh my God, they're for Europe, not America! (Both double team and slam on the American)
(cuts back to John) It wasn't until I started editing that that I realized- Oh my God, I am such a loser. I can't even bring myself to show you the Hemingway versus Faulkner one, it's even more embarrassing.
Announcements: Hank, could you possibly mail me some of the misprinted EcoGeek business cards, just like, five of them? Thanks. You can get my address from Mom and Dad. Also, can we agree to have our Happy Dance compilation video done around the end of February? (slaps face/ shakes shoulders/ rubs hand in hair) OK, OK OK big day big day big day big day. 2,000 words, 2,000 words 2,000 words, 2,000 words. OK, I'm gonna go back to bed.
Monday, November 1
Brotherhood 2.0 January 9th
Hello, John. It's Tuesday, January 9th. I'm in Detroit, Michigan. It's very windy and cold. I'm standing in the only place in the continental United States where you can look South and see Canada, which you are doing right now. I'm also standing in front of General Motors headquarters. It's a very very big building. It's very nice of you to say that I live in a way that is commensurate with my values. I haven't been feeling that way lately. For the new year I drove to Spokane and I flew to Reno and then I drove to Lake Tahoe. And then I did that all in reverse for, like, a three day long party. Like a week later I've excepted an invitation from General Motors to visit the North American National Auto Show in Detroit, Michigan. I was invited to this because I write for a few environmental blogs and there are some environmental things going on here. Those are my values. This is not my values. It's kind of difficult to convey what's really going on here. It's a pretty gigantic spectacle. Looked earlier, there's fake lichen on those fake rocks. And up here, fake fire. I don't even know how they're doing that, it's amazing. And here we have the weirdest, prettiest fake waterfall ever and it spells things. Right here, we have a jeep that has got stuck to a wall and all the people in that Jeep have had to jump out of the Jeep because they were stuck to a wall. General Motors is giving out hot dogs to a long line of people. So lame. Oh my god.
[Girls]: Hey John! See what you're missing?
[Hank]: ehhehehehehehehehehe yeah.
As for the Brotherhood 2.0 book club, I'm really excited that you're giving me so many opportunities to read so many books about genocide. I love genocide. In terms of what you're going to read, apparently none of our viewers want you to read anything because they all want you to write. So you should just go ahead and read whatever it is you're writing. I'm gonna make that your one option. You have to read the book you are writing. And as for what to call it, you're gonna have to give me some time. Also, it'd be nice to know what it was about. I'd also like to say happy birthday to Jessalyn Sheilds, a brotherhood 2.0 viewer and one of my best friends.
[Girls]: Hey John! See what you're missing?
[Hank]: ehhehehehehehehehehe yeah.
As for the Brotherhood 2.0 book club, I'm really excited that you're giving me so many opportunities to read so many books about genocide. I love genocide. In terms of what you're going to read, apparently none of our viewers want you to read anything because they all want you to write. So you should just go ahead and read whatever it is you're writing. I'm gonna make that your one option. You have to read the book you are writing. And as for what to call it, you're gonna have to give me some time. Also, it'd be nice to know what it was about. I'd also like to say happy birthday to Jessalyn Sheilds, a brotherhood 2.0 viewer and one of my best friends.
Brotherhood 2.0: January 8, 2007
Good morning Hank, It's Monday, January 8th. Sarah and I are about to drive out of Asheville, on our way to Birmingham, Alabama. I know you're gonna be here soon, but in the meantime I thought you should enjoy how pretty it is. We're going down the dirt road on the way to the other dirt road that leads away from Mom's house. And Dad's house! Sorry Dad, Jeez. I would like to congratulate you on successfully completing the Strawberry Hill challenge, except that you didn't complete it! Drinking Sutterhome wine when you've been challenged to drink Strawberry Hill is like slow dancing with Teddy Ruxpin when you've been challenged to wrestle a grizzly bear. Sutterhome may be terrible, but at least it's derived from grapes. Strawberry Hill isn't made out of grapes. It's made out of strawberries. Just kidding, it's made out of apple wine, malt, red die, and the fires of hell.
Hank, as you know, I had surgery on my mouth a few weeks ago. After they sewed my gum back into my mouth, my mouth tasted like cement, and blood, and burnt meat. And you know how after any dental procedure they make you drink that, like, green, gross, minty alcoholy stuff and then spit? Strawberry Hill tast- *achoo*
That was the Yeti!
Strawberry Hill tastes exactly like that spit. (To Yeti) Do you think I'm funny? Am I trying too hard? When? The whole time? Teddy Ruxpin? It's just you get that way around the camera.
So Hank, today is a very significant day, and I'll tell you why, it's January 8th and the first draft of my new novel is due on January 21st. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I know a couple, so I called Daniel Biss and he told me that January 21st is only 13 days away. Aside from the problem of actually finishing the book, which is, admittedly, a pretty serious problem, there's the problem that it doesn't have a title. I would feel a lot better if I actually had a title for the novel, so that I could say, you know, in ten days I have to turn in the first draft of my new novel, The Babysitter's Club 26: Claudia's Sad Goodbye.
I've been thinking of using either Shakespeare or The Bible. You've got a lot of great Shakespearean titles over the years, like: Infinite Jest, The Dogs of War, Brave New Word, In Cold Blood. And there're also a lot of great Bible titles like: East of Eden, Song of Solomon, or Rich Dad Poor Dad. Of course in the Biblical version of Rich Dad Poor Dad, rich dad gets turned into a pillar of salt and uh poor dad is exalted above all others. Anyway Hank, I'm hopeful you'll be able to come up with a title for me.
Project idea: Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club. I'll read a book you suggest if you read a book I suggest. My first suggestion? Either What is the What by Dave Eggers or We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch.
Hank, as you know, I had surgery on my mouth a few weeks ago. After they sewed my gum back into my mouth, my mouth tasted like cement, and blood, and burnt meat. And you know how after any dental procedure they make you drink that, like, green, gross, minty alcoholy stuff and then spit? Strawberry Hill tast- *achoo*
That was the Yeti!
Strawberry Hill tastes exactly like that spit. (To Yeti) Do you think I'm funny? Am I trying too hard? When? The whole time? Teddy Ruxpin? It's just you get that way around the camera.
So Hank, today is a very significant day, and I'll tell you why, it's January 8th and the first draft of my new novel is due on January 21st. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I know a couple, so I called Daniel Biss and he told me that January 21st is only 13 days away. Aside from the problem of actually finishing the book, which is, admittedly, a pretty serious problem, there's the problem that it doesn't have a title. I would feel a lot better if I actually had a title for the novel, so that I could say, you know, in ten days I have to turn in the first draft of my new novel, The Babysitter's Club 26: Claudia's Sad Goodbye.
I've been thinking of using either Shakespeare or The Bible. You've got a lot of great Shakespearean titles over the years, like: Infinite Jest, The Dogs of War, Brave New Word, In Cold Blood. And there're also a lot of great Bible titles like: East of Eden, Song of Solomon, or Rich Dad Poor Dad. Of course in the Biblical version of Rich Dad Poor Dad, rich dad gets turned into a pillar of salt and uh poor dad is exalted above all others. Anyway Hank, I'm hopeful you'll be able to come up with a title for me.
Project idea: Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club. I'll read a book you suggest if you read a book I suggest. My first suggestion? Either What is the What by Dave Eggers or We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch.
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