April 9th: Is it OK to Party?

Good morning, John. It’s Monday, April- I don’t care. The day after Easter is what it is. It’s not actually the day after Easter; it’s the day before Easter and I’m having a party at my house which you may be able to hear in the background. (party sounds) And I’m just going to walk upstairs and see what happens. (carries camera upstairs to find music, people dancing, and a guy who has made a Batman mask with his fingers)
Well, that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. But that’s what happened. There were a lot of people there and it was very fun. Kind of, maybe a little bit too fun for some people. Uh, maybe even a little bit too fun for me. I’ve heard that there may be some problems discussing certain aspects of our lives. And I don’t know if I’m okay with that.
For example, when I drank that entire bottle of Strawberry Hill flavored citrus wine—I didn’t actually drink all of it—there was some discussion about us as role models and binge drinking. Wow. Binge drinking. I’d really like to try that sometime because Hank looked like he was having a blast. (shakes head)

(shows picture of someone holding an Easter egg that reads, “Nerd Fighters”) Nerdfighters!
So, I’m not entirely sure how much I should share in these videos, which is a little bit of a problem because you and I are brothers and we have to communicate. And that includes sharing things like my massive, colossal hangover. And the Easter party that I went to where, instead of candies in the eggs, there were condoms and other forms of contraception and also edible body gels. 

So you think you can embarrass me? Hmmm. I can embarrass me worse than you can embarrass me. Wait, no. Yes! That was a horrible, horrible picture of me. Limp wristed and eyelinered and those glasses really are horrible. And as horrible as that picture was, I’ve decided to embrace it. I sent that picture off to a laboratory and I had them convert it. (each description has accompanying image) And I had them turn me into a baby and a manga character and a young person and an old person and a drunk person and a monkey.
And through all of it, none of ‘em were as embarrassing as the original. (shows it) But I’m sure that there are even more embarrassing pictures of me out there, and I know that there are more embarrassing pictures of you out there. And I’m gonna find ‘em.
I’ll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: March 15, 2007: Decreasing Suck

Class: good morning Hank, it's Thursday.
Hank, I just got to my hotel room in Kalamazoo, Michigan. And you know what was waiting for me here? Strawberry hill, peeps, and nerds. Thanks, Kalamazoo.
And all evening long I've been thinking to myself: What is it that America wants to see me do with Nerds, Peeps and a bottle of strawberry hill? And then I realized: what America wants to know is whether or not a peep will float in a glass of strawberry hill.
Will it float? It floats! Look! It's a little ducky on a pink pond.
So there you have it, Hank. Peeps float in strawberry hill! "But wait", you say, "do nerds?" Hank, as you can see, I have a lot of grape nerds. And now, we're going to test them.
hmm... That looks delicious. Well Hank, the answer is that nerds do not float. Except for the lone nerd that attached itself to the peep. Smart nerd.
Hank, many people say that brotherhood 2.0 is not educational. But I would argue that it is educational. Because now we've all learned an important lesson, which is that if you find yourself in the open ocean, with 1000 peeps and 1000 nerds, you should cling to the peeps and let the nerds go. In profoundly disturbing news, it seems like strawberry hill turns purple nerds white. Let that be a lesson to all of you. If strawberry hill can strip purple nerds from their color, just think what it can do to a gastro-intestinal system.
(sings) S-s-something from the comments... we're gonna miss you Ze.
Peter writes: "what if your effort to decrease suck-levels actually makes suck-levels increase? What is the contingency plan? We need an exit strategy here!" Hank, just like Peter I'm profoundly concerned that we might accidently increase suck levels. If you think about it most of the suckiest things that ever happened started with an attempt to decrease suck levels. Like, for instance, you have to say that on the whole the steam engine has been a pretty good thing, but then on the other hand it sure was warm yesterday in Colorado. But here's the thing I'm thinking: the worst thing you can possibly do is not try to decrease suck levels. After all, that's what the first Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club book was about. 

In our lifetimes we're all gonna do things that accidently increase suck levels, but the true Nerdfighter is awesome enough to say "you know what? I've made a mistake, I increased suck levels worldwide, but I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, and I think we should change course so as to decrease suck levels in the future." Hank, that's why I'm greatful that so many people in the American government are true and awesome Nerdfighters. Oh, wait. Crap! I'll see you tomorrow.

(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) 

(sings) Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear.... I'm gonna let Hank finish the song.

Brotherhood 2.0: February 15, 2007

A bunch of high school students: Good morning, Hank! It’s Thursday!
John: Hank, after a long delay because of snow in Columbus, Ohio, I finally reached Houston, Texas, where, by the grace of God, it is not snowing. There was one really cool thing about the Columbus airport, though. They had Nerd Fighters! (shot of the Nerd Fighters game) Nerd Fighters!
Here’s my question about Nerd Fighters: Is Nerd Fighters a game about people who fight against nerds, or is it a game about nerds who fight against other people? I’ve come to believe that Nerd Fighters is a game about nerds who fight. Nerds who tackle the scourge of popular people. And I’ve been thinking to myself: this would be a great video game! It could be, like, a mix between Mortal Kombat and Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. Like, first you pick your character. Everyone would totally have their own special powers. Like, the band geek would be like, “I will destroy your ears with my tuba!” And the theatre guy would be like, “I am an expert at sword-fighting!” And the English nerd would be like, umm, “I know a lot of Shakespeare quotes!” Using the English nerd when you’re playing Nerd Fighters is kind of like using Toad when you’re playing Super Mario Kart.
So you would pick your Nerd Fighter and then you would go to war with popular people. The Mike Tyson of the game would be the quarterback of the high school football team. And you’d have to dodge his uppercuts (dodges) and dodge his uppercuts and dodge his uppercuts and then jab! I mean, to be honest, I’ve never even really understood the war between nerds and popular people. Like, who do…who do…who do you guys got?

Glasses off, not a nerd: Umm…we’ve got George W. Bush and, like, Tom Brady.
Nerd: Oh, okay. Well, I see your George W. Bush with Bill Clinton, and I raise you an Abraham Lincoln and a Franklin Delano Roosevelt. And, I can easily see your Tom Brady with the thinking man’s football player, Tiki Barber, and I think I can raise you, hmm, an Isaac Newton, a William Shakespeare, a Blaise Pascal, an Albert Einstein, an Immanuel Kant, an Aristotle, a Jane Austen, a Bill Gates, a Mahatma Ghandi, a Nelson Mandela, and all four Beatles.
We win! And yet, Hank, the war continues. You know what we need for Nerd Fighters? We need a theme song:
(singing) We’ve got calculators and trombones.

We’ve got D&D and Star Wars drones. 

They’re in their original box, too, which makes them a lot more valuable. 

Nerd Fighters! We’re fighting nerds! [flexes arms] 

We’re no longer just using our words. 

Although, by and large, we are really articulate, so

When I’m not watching Battlestar Gallactica, 

I’m designing weapons that’ll kick your asstica. 

Nerd Fighters! We fight within our brains! 

Nerd Fighters! We bring the frakkin’ pain. 

It’s a reference to a sci-fi show. I don’t know…

I mean, maybe you never saw it, but it was really…

it was a really good show. 

Umm, I liked it a lot, umm, and some of my friends liked it. 

I mean, not…they’re not real friends. 

I just know them on the Internet.
(after the Brotherhood 2.0 logo) Hank, now that you’ve successfully completed the Strawberry Hill challenge, I fell like it’s time that we had some more challenges. So maybe you or our viewers can start suggesting some.

Brotherhood 2.0: February 14th

Good morning, John. It’s Wednesday, February 14th. I’m back in Montana for real this time. It’s cold; can you see my breath? (blows several times) And it’s snowing. I’ve returned home to a bit of a disaster. My hard drive is corrupt and I think I might have to go get a new computer, but today is Valentine’s Day, so I feel kind of bad taking my wife to Best Buy when I should be taking her to, I don’t know, wherever you go on Valentine’s Day. I should probably make some kind of plan.
(in his basement) I’ve come down to the basement; it’s cold out there. Actually, Valentine’s Day is a pretty exciting day for me because, while in high school, I deciphered the true meaning of Valentine’s Day. Using a little bit of back-of-the-napkin etymology…etymology? Entomology? Etymology? Etymology. I worked out the true meaning of Valentine’s Day. The word “Valentine” comes from two roots: the word Valen and the word tine. Now, most of us know what a tine is. It’s one of these. (holds up a fork and points to one of the tines. puts the fork in his glasses) This fork has four tines. (fork no longer in glasses) Tine comes from the word “Zinne,” which is a German word that means pinnacle or point. Now, the word “Valen” is less well known. Babylon 5 aficionados will tell you that Valen was the Minbari not born of Minbari who brought the thousand-year peace to the Minbari people after the Shadow war.
Thus, we have Valen, a semi-god of the Minbari people and time traveler, and the word pinnacle or point. My assumption must be that Valen came to earth in its past and brought us a slightly different message. And this message had something to do with Valen’s (raises finger and wiggles it) pinnacle. Thus, the romantic connotation. I believe that Valen visited earth sometime in the early 11th century and that his visit was responsible for a spike in the human population. Valen brought the message of his pinnacle (shows fork), which increased the birthrate, and gave us a romantic holiday to celebrate. Happy Valen’s Penis Day! Is it weird that that’s the reason that I like Valentine’s Day?
Anyway, I promised you the Strawberry Hill challenge and here it is. I just watched it for the first time myself and, well, you’ll see.
(Hank holds up a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill flavored citrus wine. He pours a glass, it has a lot of bubbles in it.) To Brotherhood! (He drinks. He is shocked and opens his mouth wide, allowing some to drip out.) Oh, it made me drool! (He drinks the rest of the glass in one gulp. He shakes his head a lot, making weird sounds. He groans, sticks his tongue out, and grimaces) It’s left a kind of film on the inside of my mouth. (He tries to get it out with his tongue; he points to his cheeks.) It’s back here. I have successfully completed the Strawberry Hill challenge. (burp) And, it’s made me pretty burpy.
(Hank holds up the bottle, which is about three-quarters full.) I don’t know what I’m going to do with the rest of it because I’m definitely not going to drink it. (Five Minutes Later flashes on the screen) I have a confession to make. (bottle is now only half full) It doesn’t taste good, but I keep wanting to drink more. Did you know that this was going to happen? Did you know that I was gonna have one glass and then I would have to drink the entire bottle and that would make me puke?
(Hank drinks directly from the bottle while groaning; he swishes it in his mouth.) It tastes so bad! (He is holding a bottle with only about three sips left.) How is there only that much left? (He taps the bottom and drinks the pretty much the rest.) (He is holding the bottle sideways, and a very, very small amount is left in the bottle.) This is what I have left of the Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill flavored citrus wine. There’s not any Strawberry Hill left.

Eat five sheets of toilet paper while discussing the political situation in Nepal! Eat five sheets of toilet paper while discussing the political situation in Nepal…the political situation in Nepal…eat five sheets of toilet paper while discussing the political situation in Nepal. (eyes begin to roll; incoherent mumbling; eyes close)

Brotherhood 2.0: February 12th

(Hank paddles up a river in a kayak towards the camera) Good morning, John. It’s Monday, February 12th, and I’m back in Montana. Can’t you tell? Actually, I’m probably on a plane right now, on my way to Montana. Either that or I’m in Montana, trying to chip through about three inches of ice that have formed on my sidewalk.
This is pretty much the most beautiful day I’m going to see for a long time. So I figure, I’d make my video a little early, so you could see me in Florida, doing Florida things, in a Florida hat, in a Florida kayak, in a Florida intercoastal waterway, surrounded by Florida birds, Florida fish,, and Floridians, and me…and Katherine.
(Hank in an airport) Well, it’s official. You’re going to be getting this video blog while I’m on a plane. I’m think it’s the short leg, the one from Denver to Missoula, and I’m in Denver right now.
I am, as you know, a bit of an amateur naturalist, and I’m a huge fan of birds and also a huge fan of taking pictures of birds. So I wanted to share with you some of the birds that I saw and took pictures of while on my “vacation” tour of Florida.
(Fast montage of birds) Osprey, Black Crowned Night Heron, Yellow Crowned Nigh Herons, Little Blue Herons, Great Blue Herons, Tri-Colored Herons, Snowy Egrets, Great Egrets, Cormorants, Anhingas, Ibis, Muscovy Ducks, and, most awesomely, this limpkin, who pretty much just danced around me letting me take awesome pictures of it, even though they’re one of the most rare species of birds in Florida, and almost went extinct in the early 1900s.
I made another interesting discovery while here in Florida. While visiting my old college I stopped by my old 7-11 and found a beverage that you might be interested in. (Hank in 7-11) Katherine and I are still on the yearly Tour of the Entire Southeastern United States, and I’ve been looking, at liquor stores wherever I go, trying to find Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill Flavored Citrus Wine. I’m at the 7-11 next to my old college and I found Strawberry Hill, and I’m about to buy it. So that I can complete the Strawberry Hill challenge. Finally. It looks, really gross. And it costs, it doesn’t say how much it costs. But I only have five minutes left to buy it. Five minutes to spare. That’s kind of exciting.
Guy: Did you say there’s only five minutes left to buy beer?
Hank: Yeah. Hurry!
Guy: I’d better hurry, and make my decision, huh?
Hank: Because you can’t buy alcohol on Sundays in the state of Florida. So I have to buy this right now, or else I’m not gonna get it. Bye.
(Hank in an airport) But you’re gonna have to wait until Wednesday to see the completion of the Strawberry Hill challenge. Because I don’t have time to edit it here in this airport. So, you’ll see me on Wednesday, drinking Strawberry Hill, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: January 8, 2007

Good morning Hank, It's Monday, January 8th. Sarah and I are about to drive out of Asheville, on our way to Birmingham, Alabama. I know you're gonna be here soon, but in the meantime I thought you should enjoy how pretty it is. We're going down the dirt road on the way to the other dirt road that leads away from Mom's house. And Dad's house! Sorry Dad, Jeez. I would like to congratulate you on successfully completing the Strawberry Hill challenge, except that you didn't complete it! Drinking Sutterhome wine when you've been challenged to drink Strawberry Hill is like slow dancing with Teddy Ruxpin when you've been challenged to wrestle a grizzly bear. Sutterhome may be terrible, but at least it's derived from grapes. Strawberry Hill isn't made out of grapes. It's made out of strawberries. Just kidding, it's made out of apple wine, malt, red die, and the fires of hell.
Hank, as you know, I had surgery on my mouth a few weeks ago. After they sewed my gum back into my mouth, my mouth tasted like cement, and blood, and burnt meat. And you know how after any dental procedure they make you drink that, like, green, gross, minty alcoholy stuff and then spit? Strawberry Hill tast- *achoo*
That was the Yeti!
Strawberry Hill tastes exactly like that spit. (To Yeti) Do you think I'm funny? Am I trying too hard? When? The whole time? Teddy Ruxpin? It's just you get that way around the camera.
So Hank, today is a very significant day, and I'll tell you why, it's January 8th and the first draft of my new novel is due on January 21st. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I know a couple, so I called Daniel Biss and he told me that January 21st is only 13 days away. Aside from the problem of actually finishing the book, which is, admittedly, a pretty serious problem, there's the problem that it doesn't have a title. I would feel a lot better if I actually had a title for the novel, so that I could say, you know, in ten days I have to turn in the first draft of my new novel, The Babysitter's Club 26: Claudia's Sad Goodbye.
I've been thinking of using either Shakespeare or The Bible. You've got a lot of great Shakespearean titles over the years, like: Infinite Jest, The Dogs of War, Brave New Word, In Cold Blood. And there're also a lot of great Bible titles like: East of Eden, Song of Solomon, or Rich Dad Poor Dad. Of course in the Biblical version of Rich Dad Poor Dad, rich dad gets turned into a pillar of salt and uh poor dad is exalted above all others. Anyway Hank, I'm hopeful you'll be able to come up with a title for me.
Project idea: Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club. I'll read a book you suggest if you read a book I suggest. My first suggestion? Either What is the What by Dave Eggers or We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch.

Brotherhood 2.0: January 5th

I'm home! Good morning, John, it's January 5th, and I'm sitting in my basement back home, surrounded by all the things I love. I love orange juice. I love mental floss magazine, and Benjamin Franklin. Everything is reversed when I look at it on the computer. I thought he was over here. I love these old collages that were on my wall in college that I still have taped together because I think maybe someday I'm gonna put 'em back up on a wall someday. I love that, right there. You see it? There. That's a map of the realm of Narnia. Yeah, it's a map of the realm of Narnia. Hold on, I have to go upstairs and get something.
Movie magic! Lies of omission. What did I get? We don't actually have strawberry hill here. I didn't know that. I never looked for it. Until today. Alas, Sutter Home White Zinfendale will have to do. It's gonna be kind of embarrassing if I have any of this left over in the fridge when friends come over, but it's your challenge and you did stick several pieces of toilet paper in your mouth and discussed the political situation in Nepal. I'm glad I wasn't stuck with a political situation in Nepal challenge because I don't actually know anything about Nepal. Except maybe that there's rocks and that's really only because there are rocks everywhere. A commenter suggested that I drink a glass of Strawberry Hill wine and then say "Eat five sheets of toilet paper while discussing the political situation in Nepal" really fast without vomiting. I'm going to do that, and there's only one way I'm going to be able to do that. And that's by eating corn dogs. Corn dogs is the only way I can chug an alcoholic beverage without puking. I don't know why. I think maybe my stomache's just like, "Oh that corn dog is so good I can't let go of it! I have to hold on to the corn dog. I don't care how much alcohol you pour in me just don't let go of the corn dog!" I really like corn dogs. It's not Strawberry Hill, but it only cost $3.65. Ugh! Bugligigligah. To brotherhood. Eat five sheets of toilet paper while discussing the political situation in Nepal! HOOAH! That really wasn't all that hard. What was all the fuss about? Eat five sheets of toilet paper while discussing the political situation in Nepal.