Jun 5th: S-S-S-Somethin From the Forum

(on lake) Good morning John, it's Tuesday June 5th.
(at home) (sigh) That was nice. Katherine and I have some friends that have a cabin up on Seeley Lake. Which is a really nice place, and Katherine and I went there this week to hang out it was awesome. It was kinda weird though for Katherine. Because she was like the only not pregnant girl. Babies babies babies. To me it does not feel like baby time yet, but a lot of my friends are having baby time.
I'm worried that if I ever have a baby, it won't have any friends. Because all of the other babies will be so much older than him. I guess that's a pretty stupid fear. Unless every body stops having the capability of having babies, which I've read two books about lately and seen one movie, so maybe it's not that far fetched. Uh, having read those books and then seeing all these pregnant people, suddenly not so worried.
Speaking of books, I just read Feed in my pants and every body was right, I don't want wikipedia in my brain, I don't want wikipedia in my brain, I don't want wikipedia brain. Idon'twantwikipediainmybrain. I don't want a wikipedia brain. Don't want a wikipedia in my brain oh my God. I found that book to be entirely terrifying. The future could be bad. Well done, good book, though it really made me a little bit more pessimistic about society and that's not necessarily something that I want. But it's really important that we recognize that these kinds of things are issues, and that we live in a very strange society. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I suggest you go buy Feed, by M. T. Anderson, it was very good.
I got an email today from The Weather Channel. They would like to interview me for a new show on global warming. It's not the kind of thing that I really expect people to watch. Stupid! There's always something on. I just wanna know what the weather is! This stupid kid's talking! That's kind of what I expect people to be saying while I'm talking. Still very cool.
You may have noticed that today's video is a little late. That is becaaaause I made a foruuuuuuuum! It took me a while. So I've been doing that all day, and a lot of last night, oh boy John, your challenges. Sometimes they wipe me out. And it's linked to, on the side bar. Or you can just go straight to the forum which is at brotherhood2.com/mypants . So when there's a discussion in the comments, or -or maybe one of us is starting a discussion in video format we can say things like, we'll continue this discussion of John McCain in my pants. Then you're not sure if the discussion is gonna happen in your pants, or if you're discussing John McCain in my pants, or if you're discussing John McCain who is in my pants, or if we're just discussing it in the forum, which is called My Pants.
It was one of my more brilliant ideas, and between you and me that is saying something. You will have to register, although that'll probably take you like 15 seconds. It's gonna replace the comments, it'll be in addition to the comments. And you don't have to go over there if you don't want to, but I'm fairly sure that some interesting things will be going on. There's already a couple of discussion threads there. One in which I discuss John McCain and lamented my saying what I said, and how I'm never actually going to vote for John McCain. Sometimes you just like to make your older brother mad at you. Poke poke poke poke. But there is also a thread about what to include in the forum. There are several sections, and several forums within sections and if you think that there should be a section or a forum, please suggest it so that I can create it. And I'm very glad to have that done with. Now I am going to go eat dinner, and it's gonna be great. I will see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: May 29: The Goth Scene and Evil Ladies

(looking in trash) Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday, May 29th, I'm back on the odd days, and I am here in New York City searching for packing supplies. Hank, you've turned us into conservationists and as conservationists we feel compelled to scour the streets of New York City for moving boxes. Instead of, you know, purchasing them. (finds some)
(at home) Hank, you may notice a slight difference in the background of this video, that's because the Yeti and I have almost finished packing all of our books. Hold on, I'll show you. Aaaaahhhh. Uuuhhhhg. Hank, there are many things that Nerdfighters are good at. We're good at puzzles, we're good at being smart, we're good at being extraordinarily good looking, but we do not excel at lifting, and lifting, I'm sorry to say, is a very important part of moving. OK, hold on, I'm gonna get up and show it to you. Guh! (shot of many boxes) Look at all the books!
Hank, packing all of those books has sort of sucked and it's caused my hamstrings to snap into to, but there has been one advantage: I've found two books that I've been looking for for a long time. The first is called: Everything You Need to Know About The Goth Scene In Your Pants. Hank, here's what I'm wondering: what kind of Goth scene are we talking about? Because I don't mind having people listen to The Cure inside my pants, but it's gonna be really awkward to have large armies massacring each other uh, in my pants.
Hank you asked my while I was in the Netherlands what we were going to do about the paucity of evil female babies. That brings me to the second book I found while packing: The Most Evil Women in History! In your pants. Hank this book has introduced me to several really genuinely evil women, but I am particularly impressed by Queen Ranalova! Ranavalona? Ranavalona? Queen Ranavalona the first. Uh, I like a couple of things about Queen Ranavalona first I like saying her name: Ranavalona Ranavalona Ranavalona Ranavalonaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! And second I like the fact that she's Ranavalona the first and that there was never a Ranavalona the second. This reminds me of one of my other favorite monarchs from history, King Zog the first of Albania. Zoooog. Anyway, Hank, I'd like to read you a quote about Queen Ranavalona.
"If this woman's rule lasts much longer Madagascar will be depopulated." Anyway, Hank, I don't think we should have any trouble at all finding an adequate number of evil ladies to fill out the Evil Baby Orphanage. I think that's all from me, Hank, I'll see you t- (knock knock knock)
Wait what's that? Come in! (stands) Thank you very much! (holds up scroll) Ah! From the desk of The Yeti! Hmm: (reads)
A year ago last week
John Green convinced this girl to say I do
And his brother was you.
Hank, thanks for your warning,
But there's only so much one Yeti's womb can do.
And that number is two.
(sings) Only one girl could ever stop John Green
From achieving his one unmatchable dream
I know that he will stop before 19
If he wants to remain married to me
The may play Ultimate, they may play darts
But they needn't play soccer to win our hearts
The only kind of sporting team our kids will fill
Is a competitively fierce game of skill
They needn't be numerous, they needn't be huge
And the team they'll make is two-man luge
I could go on for many verses more
But the crucial lines are stated heretofore
Hank I've got to tell you
Tell you about the power I have. Sarah Green
May some day be a luge team making machine
(spoken) Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) Oh, and happy 26th birthday to Amy, and happy 13th birthday to Anne, you guys are like half each others' age, so that's cool.

May 23rd: Miniature Soccer Team

Good morning, John, it's Wednesday, May 23rd. And this song, is for the Yeti.
(sings) A year ago today,
My brother convinced a girl to say
I do.
And that girl was you.
But Sarah, I've got to warn you,
I don't think you know just what you swore to.
You'll see,
What I mean.
Oh nothin in the world could ever stop John Green,
From achieving his one unmatchable dream.
I don't think that he would even stop at 19.
He wants two entire miniature soccer teams
From you.
From your womb.
11 on each side
Co-ed teams would be just fine.
As long,
as you don't take long.
44 little tiny baby cleats
Tied onto 44 baby feets
So cute.
In their little Umbro suits.
Well I'm glad you think that you're the luckiest girl
In Indianapolis and all of the world
But I wouldn't think you'd be too keen
On birthing a miniature soccer team
For him.
All for him.
It might sound inhumane
It might sound like a lot of pain
Unless you opt
To adopt.
But John would probably just call me a cynic
I think he's already called fertility clinics
He's serious
About this.
Oh 22 kids is probably more
Than a middle-class family like you can afford.
But nothing in the world is gonna stop John Green
From seeing his miniature soccer team.
At play
Oh, all day.
Sarah I have to warn you,
Warn you about what you've sworn to
John Green
Is a baby makin' machine.
(spoken) Sarah, John, I hope you're having a marvelous time in the Netherlands. Watch out for the babies, you never know where they're gonna come from. They could come from the Netherlands, I dunno. We could add more about that later if you want to. But, uuh, I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow.  (Reveals black Nerd Fighter T-shirt) Waaah Hoo Hah Nerdfighters!
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) For users of Mac OSX, Nerdfighter Timothy Risendez has created the World Suck widgit, which will keep you informed of World Suck Levels via your OSX Dashboard. You can download it at Brotherhood2.com and if you're already at Brotherhood2.com then you can download it right (points down) there. (thumbs up)

May 9th: Singing and Randy

Good morning John, it's Wednesday, May 9th. We're gonna start with the good news and we're going to move to the bad news. The good news is that I have officially accepted your challenge. A friend of mine who you may all recognize as the other guy from Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone from Your Pants, has suggested that it would indeed be a good thing for me to write a song every two weeks. It's not Jonathan Coulton but it's as good as I can do. Every time it's my Wednesday I sing a song. The song I am about to perform is something I have written for a guy who worked really hard and got to see some of the results from his work, but not all of them because he has now passed his legacy on.
(sings)
The day that you died was a good day

hundreds of people wished you on your way

Neil Gaimen wrote about you on his blog

and you and your girl ate mini corn dogs 

oh goodbye 26 year old me 

you made a lot of money and got a master's degree 

and you married a girl we adore, 

but now I reap the rewards.
Oh thank you for all the hard work, Hank. 

Your bank account swelled a lot before it shrank, 

but you could have worked maybe a little bit harder, 

yeah I could have used a few more thousand dollars. 

Yeah goodbye 26 year old me. 

You made a lot of money and got a master's degree 

and you married a girl we adore, 

but now I reap the rewards.
You watched a lot of people get married. 

John and Sarah, John and Amy, 

Ethan and Sarah, Jason and Ashlee.

Holy crap, I bet they'll all have babies. 

Oh goodbye 26 year old me, 

you made a lot of money and got a master's degree 

and you married a girl we adore, 

but now I reap the rewards

but now I reap the rewards

yeah now I reap the rewards!
The day that you died was a good day

(speaking) I hope you all enjoyed that because now I have bad news. Today we introduce a new feature to Brotherhood 2.0 we're adding this feature under less than ideal circumstances. Brotherhood 2.0 viewer Travis Bond has created the Foundation to Decrease World Suck's World Suck Index, which you can also find on the left hand side bar. And unfortunately the World Suck Index is debuting at suck level red.  This is because Brotherhood 2.0 viewer Danny Chow has just loss his best friend. Danny's friend, Randy, recently beat cancer, but has now died of pneumonia, and I think that it's safe to say that this has increased suck levels pretty dramatically for Danny and for Randy's family. So, for the next two weeks, all donations to the Foundation to Decrease World Suck will be donated to Randy's family. John, I'll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: Everyone Poops in My Pants, a Picture Book

Good morning, John. It’s Wednesday, February 28th, and it’s story day.
Our story today is called, (The rest of the story is narrated by John, while Hank illustrates)
“Everyone poops in my pants,” by Hank Green. Image: The title and author, a guy with glasses frowning, and some pants with stink lines rising from the butt area.
My name is Hank, and I have a small problem. Everyone poops in my pants. Image: Hank’s drawing of himself, complete with glasses and messy hair. He’s wearing a shirt that reads, “MTX.” and is waving.
Each morning, I wake up and dozens of people surround my house, chanting, “What do we want to poop in?” “Hank’s pants!” “When do we want to poop in them?” “Now!” “Hey, hey, ho, ho, into Hank’s pants we gotta go! Hey, hey, ho, ho, into Hank’s pants we gotta go…poop.” Image: Hank’s face at the top, talking. Hank is also lying in bed inside his house, a crowd appears outside. The crowds say the chants.
Now, I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, “Hank, I believe that many people have pooped in your pants, but I remain unconvinced that everyone has pooped in your pants. Image: Hank’s face, with index finger raised in a sign of pause, and some smelly pants.
And that is true enough. For instance, many poor people haven’t pooped in my pants because they lack the resources to fly to Montana. And many babies haven’t pooped in my pants because they’re too busy pooping in their own. Image: Hank’s face, some people looking sad as an airplane flies over their head, and the midsection of a baby, complete with smelly diaper.
I’m just saying that, statistically an improbably large number of people have pooped in my pants. My mom, my dad, and my brother John have all pooped in my pants. Image: Hank’s face, looking a little sorry for us. Drawings of his mom and dad and John
Kirsten Dunst was wearing, and pooping in, my pants during the entire filming of Spiderman 2. Image: Hank’s face, explaining this all to us. Kirstin Dunst’s picture, saying, “I’m pooping in Hank’s pants right now!” “And it’s goooood.”

The entire Liverpool Football Club pooped in my umbros immediately after winning the 2005 UEAFA cup. Image: A picture of the Liverpool Football club shouting, “Who gots to poop in Hank’s pants? WE DO!” and some stinky umbros.
German novelist Gunter Gras pooped in my pants while wearing his Nobel prize. image: Hank’s face looking slightly unnerved. Gras with a pipe, a mustache, and a medal that reads, “No Bell!” He’s saying, “Ja pumpte ich in seinen Hoten aus.” 

Stephen Daedalus is just one of the many fictional characters that have nonfictionally pooped in my nonfictional pants. Image: A picture of the Penguin Classics publication of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce.
Al Roker had my pants tailored to fit him…and then pooped in them. Image: Hank’s face looking downright disgusted. Al Roker, holding his very large pants up to demonstrate his weight loss, saying, “I had to make room for all my poop.” 

Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in 1924, but has nonetheless pooped in my pants. Image: A picture of Lenin shouting to crowds, “I traveled through time to poop in these pants!”
George W. Bush is so incompetent that he failed to poop in my pants, although he did poop near my pants, and then later claimed that he had never intended to poop in my pants and that no one in his administration had ever talked about pooping in anyone’s pants! Having seen his poop I can report that it looks exactly like bullshit. Image: Hank’s face looking mad, some pants, and a pile of poop next to them. 

Wow, those guys must be selling the president’s war plan! Image: YouTube page of John’s February 7th video: a picture of a sign that reads, “Guess what we got in a bag…cow shit.”
People often ask me, “Hank, does it bother you that everyone poops in your pants?” Yes, it does! Sometimes something great will happen. Like, the other day, Barack Obama came by, and he pooped in my pants. And his poop kinda made me believe in America again. Image: Hank looking sad, and Barack Obama looking nobly towards a pair of stinky pants.
But mostly, I dislike having people poop in my pants. But everyone has a cross to bare. Image: Hank’s face looking kind of miserable. 

Some people have chronic back pain. Image: A man grasping his back in pain. 

Some people are on Team Karen. Image: A picture of Karen from “The Office” (USA) 

Some people are Republicans. Image: A map of the red and blue states, turned on its side so that the East coast is at the top and the West coast is at the bottom. 

Me, I just happen to have pants into which people really like to poop. It could certainly be worse.\
It’s like Monty Python member Eric Idle once told me while he was pooping in your pants. Image: Hank’s face looking relieved. A nude Eric Idle pooping into pants.

Song clip from Eric Idle’s “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” originally sung in The Life of Brian. There are music notes drawn around the words.
On screen, with no narration, appear the words: “Well, that was an odd way to spend a Sunday afternoon…Anyway…I’ll see you tomorrow.” Hank’s face and stinky pants also appear.

Brotherhood 2.0: February 8th

Okay, I'm going to think about it this time before I actually say it. Good morning John, it's Thursday, February 8th. (nods) It is.
It's very hard to make a video blog in this house because there's nowhere private at all and I have to talk very quietly or else people will look at me funny. They're looking at me funny! (makes a strained noise) I'm kind of hiding in the corner in the living room, which is the room that I sleep in, in a sofa bed, which is right here. (pokes pillow) To start out today's video, I'm going to give you a tour of the place where I am right now.
(now standing under a flag/telephone pole) I am officially in Englewood Florida. It's a very very nice day; there's cars coming, which is really unusual for this street. (as two cars pass in the spot where he was standing) They would've hit me at the exact same time; that would have been painful! Yeah, see, now there's not going to be anymore cars for another two or three hours. And if you look around you'll see a normal Florida, 50's style ranch house neighborhood. Very nice place, lots of citrus, lots of flowers and cacti. Lots of American flags. (shows a statue) This is a donkey with a cactus in it that miraculously survived Katherine throwing her Calculus book at it.
(shows a sundial) According to the sundial, it is 11:00. this is remarkably accurate. (shows a weird looking pink flamingo) Katherine's mom has non-traditional pink flamingos. (standing in front of a tree) Behind me now is an orange tree; aahhh over there are two more orange trees, and I think a tangerine tree. I'm going underneath some banana trees now, and then there's the canal. It's a very nice place!
Moving along. Katherine's parents just took me to a very interesting event. (shows footage of the event) There were about four hundred old people watching about thirty old people playing banjos badly. It turns out that Charlotte County has actually the highest age of any county in the country. There are a lot of old people here. They played patriotic songs, they played "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," they played more patriotic songs, and they played some military songs.
Anyways, whereas I've been thinking a lot about babies lately, you know, the beginning of life, this made me think about something entirely different. I started to wonder, were any of them going to die while I was watching them? So, I've done some BoN calculations; I love BoN calculations, back of napkin. Assuming that the average age of people there was 70 and assuming there were around 400 people there; and using Census data that says the average age of death of a 70 year old is 83, I have calculated that the probability that someone would die at the event that I just attended. Because the average age of death of a 70 year old is 83, half of the people at the event will be dead in 13 years; that is 113,000 hours. Now, because I was at the event for three hours and there were 400 old people there that means 1,200 total old people hours. You put that number over the total half-life of an old person at the age of 70 and then divide by two and get a .53 percent chance that someone would die within eye shot of me this afternoon. While that's not a very big number, it is probably the biggest that number has ever been in my life.
So, now you know how bored I am!
I accept your challenge and will answer my survey; the three minute and thirty second time limit is going to be quite a barrier, but I will do my best. And I very much enjoyed your children's book, I'm considering doing the illustrations for it myself. I'll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: February 6th

Good morning John, it's Tuesday, February 6th. (clip of Hank shaving his chin, then shot of his shaven chin) Clean Chin! (shot of Hank holding his hands up to his chin) I'm really sorry, I didn't realize that was going to be quite that horrible. Apparently wax is not made for facial hair. I've read now online some really horrible stories about big chunks of skin getting ripped off. I had no idea, I'm so sorry, that looked really horrible. And also, extremely funny. (mimics John's pulling off the waxing strip) Three tries to get it the first time! That..ugh (covers his own chin) Well, at least those hairs won't grow back for a while, or maybe ever, since you may have done some permanent damage. Anyway!
During our Tour of the Entire Southeastern United States, Katherine and I have run across several...babies, and I can't help thinking about your response to the "how do you feel about babies" question. You want an army of babies, dozens of babies, but your only problem is you don't know where to put babies. That is not my only problem. I have found the babies to be rather adorable though.
(shot of The Katherine playing with a baby, saying, "Look at Uncle Hank! Uncle Hank!)

Uncle Hank! I'm Uncle Hank! I think that's adorable! Yeah, when I married Katherine I became an uncle because Katherine's brother has a son, so when you have a baby I won't be able to say, "Oh, I'm an Uncle now!" because I'm already an uncle. Sorry about that. Anyway. Now that I've met a few, I actually...kind of...like them. I've met a very interesting baby here at Katherine's parent's house. She's called Baby Shingy (holds up a very frighteningly meant-to-be-cute doll dressed in green and pink). I want you to listen very carefully to what baby Shingy has to say. (he pulls the cord attached to the doll) Baby Shingy: Play Patty Cake 

Hank: Play Potty Cake (pulls again)

Baby Shingy: I'm sleepy

Hank: I'm stinky. (pulls)

Baby Shingy: Peek-a-boo! 

Hank: Chicken poo? Hehehe, this is the kind of baby I want. You can shake it, and it makes noises, it's scary looking. Here I come, I'm scary baby!

I am still very excited about the prospect of you having a baby though, so don't take the uncle thing the wrong way. I'm especially excited about the prospect of you having babies because then mom maybe will stop bothering me about it so much. So, how's that going for you? I can think of a dozen great places to put a baby in your apartment! It could be fun, like everyday Sarah comes home and you'll say, "Find the baby!" and she has to search through the entire apartment trying to find where you hid the baby! Wow, having a baby's gonna be a lot of fun! I hope you let me know as soon as you have any news on that front. Just like you called me five or six minutes after you lost your virginity; it's really important that you share stuff like that with me. (shakes head) Anyway, I hope both of us are fertile, and that neither of us have to be punished ever again! I'll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: January 26, 2007

(shot of crowd sitting in chairs) John: 1, 2, 3!
Crowd: Good morning Hank!
(John at home) It's... well, if yesterday was Thursday, and the day before yesterday was Thursday, then today must be...Thursday?
Crowd: It's Friday!
(John) Oh, okay, it's Friday, it's Friday, January 26th. Thanks to the George Bruce branch of the New York public library for participating. Let's get right to the survey.
(Yeti hand puppet, now wearing two eye cutouts) Puppet: Describe a perfect day.
John: I wake up in the morning, write four thousand words, Sarah comes home from school, we have a sushi dinner together, and then we read until it's time to go to bed. Oh, and The Office is on and I watch The Office and Pam and Jim hook up. YES!
Puppet: Assuming...I don't remember the words. (starts again) Assuming all things come to an end, how will humans go extinct?
John: Puppet, I'm with T.S. Elliot on this one; "Not with a bang, but with a whimper."
Puppet: So how're you feeling about kids these days?
John: I really want a baby. But where would we put one, Hank? Where are we going to fit a baby inside this apartment? Are we going to put it under the bed? I wanna have a baby. I wanna have a baby a lot, babies are adorable. I wanna have like sixteen of 'em, I want to have like a little army of babies!
Puppet: In this space, create your own question and answer it.
John: Puppet, the question is, "Pirates or Ninjas?" (vanishes, then reappears) Ninjas! I just like how fast they strike.
Puppet: What does Ambrosio taste like?
John: You know what Ambrosio tastes like? It tastes like all the things you can't eat on Weight Watchers. Cheeseburgers, sugar cookies, regular freaking ice cream instead of ice cream that's made out of, like, air and human hope.
Puppet: If you were a cliché, what kind of cliché would you be?
John: A dark and stormy night.
Puppet: What's your least favorite part of any given day?
John: I don't enjoy brushing my teeth.
Puppet: Do you enjoy Science Fiction?
John: I really like Kurt Vonnegut, um, and I also am a big fan of the short stories of Margo Lanagan.
Puppet: Cheese, or chocolate?
John: Why did you just name two things I can't eat anymore? God, that's so mean!
Puppet: What was your first concert?
John: I think it might have been The Cure, in 9th grade with Davon Razor. I did like The Cure a lot.
Puppet: Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
John: North Carolina.
Puppet: Would you prefer invisibility or time travel?
John: (with blanket over head) Well, as you can see I already have the gift of invisibility, I'm wearing my invisibility cloak right now, so I guess I would choose time travel.
Puppet: If you could start a business that would be instantly successful, what would it be?
John: A Malaria curing business? A We only sell novels by John Green store? Anyway, I'm not sure what the store would sell necessarily but it would definitely be called The Blind Assassin In your pants. I'm sorry, I can't stop myself. Thanks to all the commenters for your great ideas.
Puppet: What's wrong with the world?
John: I really think the big problem, is uh, people. You know, I mean puppets are a small problem, puppet; I mean I'm not going to let you guys off the hook entirely, but, but, people...we're the worst.
Puppet: Can I put this survey on my webpage?
John: You may. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.