July 26: The Price of Fame

(plays guitar) Good morning John, it's Thursday, July 26th. And hello to our new viewers! Welcome. This is Brotherhood 2.0. (lunchbox on head) Sometimes we put stuff on our heads. (zips closed over face) (coughs) It smelled funny in there. It's been a little bit difficult for me to stop doing my happy dance lately. I'm out, at the store, and I'm doing my happy dance. I'm walking down the street and I'm doing my happy dance. I'm in the shower and I'm doing my happy dance even though it's really dangerous because there's no traction in my tub. And that could really- it could- it could turn bad. It could turn bad. For those of you who've never seen it, I just did my happy dance a little while ago and I caught it on camera so here it is. (Happy dances)
It's excellent aerobic exercise. I think that everybody knows why I've been doing my happy dance. But if not, just go onto the front page of YouTube and on there you will see me. Looking. Out. From the front page of YouTube from a little square. Aksio akio ashio assio oshkosh bigokio Deathly Hallows has been featured on the front page of YouTube! And it's been watched over 200 thousand times! 200 thousand times!
Now I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking Hank, it's really great that you were featured on the front page of YouTube. I'm- I'm happy for you. But what is the price of YouTube fame? The price is that for every 100 views your video gets there will be one comment. And when there aren't very many comments you can take them each individually and they seem lovely. And occasionally annoying. But when there are 2000 of them they start to take shape and it's a shape kind of like this (bell curve) and while this nice bell curve at the top you have lots of people being very nice you also have these two extremes. In which people are either being way too mean, or way too nice.
A sample of a comment from each section would be something like this. (starting at mean side of bell curve, moving to nice) You have: Yr Gay, Yr Gay, But yr funny, Cool video, Laughing my ass off, yr a fricken genius!, and please let me have your babies. The strange this is that when you have a big sample like this every person sees it very differently. For example your mom will see this (graph with only Cool Video Well Done :-) and LMAO, Yr a GENIUS) Whereas your wife will see this (graph with only pleaaaese let me have your babies) and you, yourself, will see this (graph with only Yr Gay and Yr Gay, But that was Funny). So in the end it becomes kind of a very stressful thing. It feels like half the people are saying you're gay, and half the people want you to have their babies. I imagine I don't have to point at the irony here. But in either case your wife is upset! But I've been able to temper it. I've been able to see that most people are just being very nice and supportive. If I can just shave off the people who either want to be my girlfriend or want me to get a girlfriend, then I can just- I can be happy.
And when they're not saying that I pronounced Accio or Akio wrong, which fine, I did, it's nice. It's pleasant. The people are very cool. Ahem, the people are very jokes. Um, yes, I do think that it would be jokes if we used the word jokes instead of jokes whenever we said jokes. I mean, I think it would be cool if we said the word jokes instead of cool every time we said the word cool.
John I'm glad you're feeling better and I will see you tomorrow.

July 25: Brotherhood 2.0's Youtube Comments Are Answered!

So Hank this morning the first thing I did was I got up and I went to look at YouTube, uh, and I was like, well that's weird, I don't usually see Hank's face on the front page of YouTube. That's a little- OH MY GOD WE GOT FEATURED! Good morning Hank, it's Thursday, July 25th. Hank you're getting so many comments that there's no way you can respond to all of them. So, uh, I'm going to do it for you. Until my four minute deadline I'm going to read and answer as many YouTube comments as I can. Hank, I know you're wondering, you're wondering how am I gonna know, John, if it's you or if it's a YouTuber when you're reading? The answer is that when it's a YouTuber I'm not going to have green hair, and when it's me I am going to have green hair.
(YouTuber) LOL what a sexy geek!
Actually he's a sexy nerd, but that's a common mistake.
(YouTuber) It's assio not akio. No it's ahkio not akio. No it's not, dumbass, it's ashio not akio. No it's ahkio,  no it's akio, no it's oshkosh b'gosh!
OK, once and for all it's assio stop bothering him!
(YouTuber) You guys look like the Proclaimers.
Really? Did the Proclaimers have green hair?
(YouTuber) Who ever made this is a nerd.
Yes, that's the idea. We're nerds.
(YouTuber) Funny but could you look any dorkier?
Yes he could look dorkier. He could have spotty green hair.
(YouTuber) Why are dogs scared of vacuums but not of peanut butter faces?
That's a really good question. Maybe it's because vacuums are scary whereas peanut butter faces are made of awesome.
Nigeliscool657 writes: get a life, nerd.
Your screen name is Nigeliscool657, did 656 people before you have the screen name Nigeliscool? Furthermore to best of my knowledge no one in human history who is cool has ever had the screen name blank is cool ergo you are a Nerdfighter, sorry, live with it. It's a good thing.
(YouTuber) What's a Nerdfighter?
A Nerdfigher is like a regular person except instead of being composed out of, like, tissues and cells and organs, they're made out of awesome. Nerdfighters do stuff like hang out at the Brotherhood 2.0 forum, My Pants and uh, (image of pillow) embroider pillows. Hank look at those embroidered pillows! They even put my pants on them!
(YouTuber) This was so jokes. You have real skills.
Uh, this isn't really a response to that comment, but wouldn't it be great if instead of saying cool we always said jokes? Yeah, we just got featured on the front page of YouTube, it was pretty jokes. Man, the mountain goats are so jokes. Hey is it hot outside? No, it's pretty jokes.
(YouTuber) Umm, can you say obsession? Oh right, that's what you are. Cough cough. Get a life.
Uh, when you say cough cough get a life do you mean cough get a life cough? Because (coughs) get a life isn't funny, but (cough)get a life(cough) that's funny.
Pisstaker writes: Geek.
Your screen name is Pisstaker and you called Hank a geek? Um, I have a couple problems with the screen name Pisstaker. The big one is this: who isn't a piss taker? Like, how does being a piss taker set you apart from the crowd?
Kush45 writes: Got anything better to do? Like make some money? Get a job? Harry Potter doesn't care about you cuz he's not real.
Harry Potter isn't real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don't know who you are or what your name is or where you're from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter's real and you're not.
Rustyjusty123 asks: can I put your face on the MySpace?
I've heard a lot about the MySpace and I think it would be fine if you put Hank's picture on the MySpace.
(YouTuber) Wow, he's 27. He looks like my little brother. My little brother's ten.
He looks like my little brother too, and I think he's awesome!
So that's all the questions I can get through. Hank congratulations. I don't even know how to celebrate I'm so happy. I think I'm gonna put silly string in my hair and then do my happy dance. (sprays) The Yeti is going to be really mad when she gets home and sees the carpet! Happy dance time! (dances) YES! Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.

July 24: More Harry Potter?!

Good morning John, it's Tuesday July 24th. There hasn't been very much interesting happening in my life for the last three days because almost every hour of it has been taken up either sleeping or reading Harry Potter. I didn't know when the book was gonna come in the mail. The UPS guy got there at like nine o'clock in the morning which was pretty vital. Because it was important to have as much reading time as possible that day. Katherine opened the box and then I took the book out of the box, and then there was a long silence in which I held the book tightly and Katherine looked directly into my eyes. I thought it might turn ugly. But in the end we found a solution. We decided to read it together so as to avoid that particular conflict.
It may not have been the most efficient way to read Harry Potter, in fact it took a strangely long amount of time for a Harry Potter book. But we finished and it was amazing. And it was really kinda nice to be able to share that with Katherine. The whole experience of it. As sappy as that sounds.
I've written a letter.
Dear Nerdfighters who do not care about Harry Potter,
I'm sorry. I'm going to keep talking about Harry Potter now.
You know there's a solution of the problem of not caring about Harry Potter. Read Harry Potter. And then you'll be part of the club. And you won't find it annoying when I talk about Harry Potter for an entire video. Again.
(image of bag) Oh my gosh, look! It's a canvas sewn Nerdfighter bag!
John when the New York Times contacted you about you being one of a bunch of people that they ask a question to about Harry Potter I think that they expected a perspective of a young adult writer. So when you passed them my name, I'm not sure what they expected to get. But in any case, I am kind of contributing to the New York Times! 200 words on why I think Harry Potter is so special. And really, that's a very good question. It would have been easy for the Harry Potter books to be just, you know, another kids' book fantasy adventure. But it is not just another kids' book fantasy adventure. There's something very different going on here. This is like the biggest thing that's ever happened in publishing since, like, The Bible. I very much enjoyed attempting to answer that question.
In the spirit of being a kind of sort of New York Times contributer, I would like to invite the Nerdfighters into My Pants to come and give their opinion on why they think that Harry Potter is such a gigantic phenomenon. Additionally I would like to suggest that we make this a tradition. Tuesdays are question days. Every Tuesday one of us asks a question of the Nerdfighters. Like, if you were a crayon what color would you most like to make out with? You guys can go ahead and answer that one too.
John, I'm sorry that your innards are all tickly. I really wish you had bought that Mountain Dew sign. It was amazing. But I'm sure you'll be feeling better soon and I'll see you and hopefully your green hair, tomorrow.

July 23rd: The Tickling of the Innards

Good morning Hank, it's Monday, July 23rd and today we're going to learn how many Q-tips we can put in an ear. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Six Q-tips fit in one ear! (whispers) Are the new viewers gone yet? Hank you may be wondering why I'm lying in bed looking a little feverish. It's because I am a little feverish. This weekend the Yeti and I went to the Sandwich Antique Fair, which is located in Sandwich, Illinois. And we got a lot of stuff for the new house, like for instance we got a dining room table. (shot of old TV) And we got this weird TV from the 1960s that looks kind of like a diver's helmet.
But it's not just antiques you can get at the Sandwich Antiques Fair, you can also get upper respiratory infections with fever and achy-ness. So that's nice.
(shot of sign with It'll tickle yore innards on it) We could have gotten this good lookin Mountain Dew sign but it was too expensive. I do kind of feel like my innards are being tickled, but not in a good way. The one thing we couldn't find in Sandwich, Illinois? And this was a bit of a surprise to me, a sandwich. All I wanted was sliced turkey on white bread. Was that too much to ask, Sandwich, Illinois?
(coughs) Jeez Hank, it just occurred to me that maybe I shouldn't have made this video. Maybe my flu is transmittable via video blog. That would suck. I don't wanna make you sick. But the marriage to Brotherhood 2.0 is kind of an sickness and health, richer poorer, til 2008 do us part kind of thing. So, I'll see you tomorrow.

July 20: Green Mohawk

(has gelled mohawk) Good morning John, it's Friday, June 20th. And I have a mohawk. A big fake mohawk. And I have some spray can paint! (sprays) Ow, my eyes are burning. What the hell? It's like, hair paint mixed with mace. (sprays) It's pretty green, huh? OK, now, for real: Punishment complete. I dressed up like a freaking Goth and then I spray painted a faux hawk green.

Now that my punishment is complete, on to more important business. The most important business for the day, I think, has to do with the fact that my chair will, in fact, spin on its own at a certain speed as long as I am sitting on it. And I think that maybe I might have discovered some kind of perpetual motion machine, and I should probably be seeking some kind of patent. What is this? Like, the weight of my body on my chair makes it spin.

OK, actually the most important piece of business for the day is that people liked my Harry Potter song a lot. The truth of the matter is that I like it a lot too. I actually find myself singing it quite a lot, which feels kind of funny. I also, sometimes, sing it in different styles.

(sings country) I'm gettin' kinda tired of this

prepublication media blitz.
I got- I've got all of Muggle kind under your spell.

(raps) Don't you know the whole world's already gone

and reserved a copy at Amazon?

(nerdy singing) How many more books do they expect to sell?

(Hard rock) Just give me my book or go to hell!

(spoken) Just, in general, ah, yeah I- I- I like the song quite a bit as well. Uh, can't take all the credit. Katherine helped me write it. We sat on the porch and I played, and I'd be like, God, nothing in the world rhymes with bell! And Katherine'd be like, um, spell is a good word for a song about Harry Potter. And I'd be like, yeah, spell. So a bit of a group effort. Also, Lizzy from the Leaky Cauldron, who helped to spread the word about the video. And everyone who rated the video high! That's amazing! And everyone who favorited it, that's also amazing. I right now have the number five top rated song on YouTube, which is kind of like a dream come true. 

I have a small understanding of what it would be like to be a small time rock star. That is how I'm feeling right now. Which is sort of an amazing feeling. But it could be better, so please, everyone do what you will with this song. It's only kind of good until tomorrow WHEN THE BOOK COMES OUT! So you know, it probably be good to get as many people listening to it as possible in, uh, the next twelve hours. 

Please, do what you can to avoid spoilers! They've been popping up all over the place, and we're doing our best to prevent them from being anywhere near Brotherhood 2.0 but we can't watch everything all at once. So just close you're eyes as fast as you can whenever you see anything about Harry Potter. I put a link to an mp3 of the file, uh, below (points) right there, if you're on Brotherhood2.com. Otherwise you can go to Brotherhood2.com and it will be there.

I am really glad that everyone liked it so much. It's really good to have people saying such nice things they may change their mind now that they see my green mohawk, but none the less, um, thank you all very much. By this time tomorrow those of us who care will have copies of Deathly Hallows, and I won't expect to be hearing from any of you, ah, but John I will see you on Monday.

July 19: A Day in the Life of a Writer (Who Has No Friends)

Good morning Hank, it's Thursday, congratulations on your song yesterday. It was your best song ever.
Hank, a couple months ago I did a video that was about, like, a day in the life of a writer. And it was me, and Scott Westerfeld and Maureen Johnson, hanging out in a hotel room and writing. And that was really fun. So I thought I would do a follow up called A Day in the Life of a Writer, uh, Who Doesn't Have Any Friends. So now that I've moved to Indianapolis what happens every morning is that I get up and I sit down in this chair, or possibly outside, and the first thing that I do is, uh, I listen to, uh, your song.
(Accio Deathly Hallows plays) God that's a good song. So after I've listened to your song I spend about 30 minutes missing my old writing friends from New York. So I'll say to myself, I wonder what Scott and Jacine are doing today? They're probably having fun. Probably having a fancy lunch. Maureen's just gotten back from England, I bet she's having some fun. Probably writing a funny blog post. I wish they were here. It's kind of boring. This room echoes. Echo. Echo. I'm lonely lonely lonely lonely (mimics echo)!
Hank, after all of my warm up is over I proceed to do, uh, this: (types). And that goes on for about seven hours. The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing it well or doing it poorly it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.
Today I've been working on a part of my new novel that's about a hundred and fifty pages in, but I thought just for fun, I might read you the prologue, since people in My Pants have been spending so much time debating what my book is about, I thought maybe I would give them the slightest hint.
The way I figure it, everyone gets a miracle. Like, I will probably never be struck by lightning, or become the dictator of a small nation in the Pacific islands, or contract terminal ear canal cancer, or spontaneously combust. But if you consider all the unlikely things together, at least one of them will probably happen to each of us. Admittedly the world contains a lot of people. But it also contains a lot of unlikelihoods. I could have seen it rain frogs in my home town. I could have stepped foot on Mars. I could have been eaten by an Orca. I could have married the Queen of England, or survived months at sea. But my miracle was different. My miracle was Margo.
Hank I'll see you tomorrow, and since I won't have a chance to speak to you again until you're finished with Harry Potter, I just wanted to say I hope it lives up to your every expectation. I mean if the book is as good as the song you wrote, then it's gonna be one heck of a book.

July 18: Accio Deathly Hallows (no spoilers)

Good morning John, it's Wednesday, July 18th. I'm gonna to have to wait until Friday to do the green hair thing because today is Wednesday, my Wednesday and so I must to do a song and this is a pretty long song and I have to fit it all in. It's about Harry Potter.
(sings) I'm gettin' kinda tired of this
prepublication media blitz.
You've got all of Muggle kind under your spell.
Don't you know the whole world's already gone
and reserved a copy at Amazon?
How many more books could you sell?
Now give me my book or go to hell.
Cause I need Harry Potter
Like a grindylow needs water.
And as Saturday approaches my need grows!
Oh Accio Deathly Hallows,
Incendio Book Sales Embargoes,
It'll be like phoenix tears on a broken nose.
Yeah Accio Deathly Hallows.
Accio Deathly Hallows!
I'm getting kinda petrified.
What would Ron do if Hermione died,
or if Voldemort killed Hedwig just for yucks?
I have no confidence
in theories about the Half-Blood Prince.
And what if Harry's brain is a horcrux?
Oh, holy crap that would freakin suck.
Cause I need Harry Potter
Like a grindylow needs water.
And as Saturday approaches my need grows!
Accio Deathly Hallows,
Incendio Book Sales Embargoes,
It'll be like phoenix tears on a broken nose.
Woah Accio Deathly Hallows.
Whatever's up the sleve of J.K. Rowling
I bet it has to do with Snape Unbreakably Vowing
to protect that pure-blood puss-faced Malfoy.
But in the end, I don't think it's gonna matter
if Snape's good, or if he's bad
Because the weight of the world rests on our boy.
Yeah the weight of the world rests on our boy!
Cause we need Harry Potter
Like a grindylow needs water.
And as Saturday approaches our need grows!
Oh Accio Deathly Hallows,
Incendio Book Sales Embargoes,
It'll be like phoenix tears on a broken nose.
Yeah Accio Deathly Hallows.
Oh Accio Deathly Hallows.
But mostly I'm just feelin' sad
I know this could end real bad

but I wish it didn't have to end at all.
Yeah, I wish it didn't have to end at all.
Cause I couldn't care more about Harry Potter
If Hogwarts was my Alma Mater.

And as Saturday approaches my need grows!
Yeah, Accio Deathly Hallows,
Incendio Book Sales Embargoes,
It'll feel like phoenix tears on a broken nose.
Yeah Accio Deathly Hallows.
Oh Accio Deathly Hallows.

Accio Deathly Hallows.

Accio Deathly Hallows.

Oh, Accio Deathly Hallows.

(spoken) John, I'll see you tomorrow.

Brotherhood 2.0: July 17: Topless Dancer

Good morning Hank it's Tuesday, July 17th, the day of my punishment. Hank in your punishment video, by the way pretty hilarious, you said that you didn't know where to get green hair dye that you can spray on. I didn't know where to get green spray on hair dye either, but fortunately Indianapolis has something called 86th Street. 86th Street is like a normal street except it contains all possible commercial entities. So this morning I got up, I got on 86th Street, I went to the Walgreens, I went to the Salvation Army, I went to the Goodwill, and I went to the party story. I got green spray on hair dye but I think that that's gonna have to actually wait until Thursday, since you didn't do yours yet.
I have really really really really big pants look Hank. (sticks arms down pants up to mid arm) They're huge! And I got a belt for my really really huge pants. I think it's a girl belt, but I don't think it matters, I mean, you just wore lipstick.
Now since my punishment is to recreate a mix of two pictures. First this picture: Oh boy. And secondly this picture, I've also had to find some medals. Hank I have three medals: First my Alabama Library Association author award. Second the medal I got for being an Audie Award finalist. And third a medal I created myself using an Ethernet cable and a button that a Nerdfighter gave me that says ask me how you can join the Evil Baby Orphanage. Oh, and also I got a bow-tie.
Alright Hank, let's do it! (dances) I know what you're wondering Hank, you're wondering first why is your chest making noise and second where did all the medals go? (Taps chest, which clinks) OK, OK, I gotta get psyched up. Oh! I forgot about the glasses! I can't very well recreate this picture without the glasses! (has giant ones on) Do you like these? No. These make me look like the bastard child of Harry Potter and Harry Caray. Fortunately I have these (new glasses) unfortunately I can't see anything out of them! Where are you?
We're gonna do it this time. (Music, dancing, slowly takes of shirt) Really Hank, is this a punishment for me or the audience? (Does pose) Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) I'm dancing, I'm dancing, I can't see anything, I'm dancing, I'm dancing, and (poses and falls) OK! I'm OK! Nothin's broke.

July 16: Goth

Good morning John, it's Monday, July 16th (holds up Goth picture). OK, I need to recreate this photograph so first thing's first: I need to shave. Different chins. Very different chins. (Fully shaved) That's better. I can't find any eyeliner or lipstick, especially no lipstick that color, so I think I'm gonna have to go out and try and find some. Though I'm not entirely sure where one buys lipstick.
I have good news. I found eyeliner and lipstick in Katherine's little bag, and hopefully she won't mind me using them. But she's not here to ask. But I don't want to wait until she gets home to do this. Is that similar colors there? Hmm, it's about the same color. Uh, it is so strange how difficult this is. I feel really weird. A-About this. (Eurythmics Sweet Dreams plays as he applies lipstick) Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Hank, that's not nearly dark enough (adds eyeliner as lip liner) (Applies eyeliner) My goodness do I look funny! We must now continue to recreate this photograph. Now for the final pose we're going to have to move the camera, so here goes nothing.
(lights lighter) So here I am in the basement. Umm, it's dark, it feels kind of Gothy. Not really Gothic. At all, but Gothy. There's definitely a flash when this picture was taken so, um, I'm not sure how I'm gonna recreate that effect, but we'll figure it out.
(Adjusting hair with bright light on) And there- that way. My right hand is out and limp. (does pose, cuts back and forth to photo) Success! (Beatboxes) I think that I should take some time to reflect about what I've done today. And how it's made me feel. Mostly it's strange how weird it was to actually be doing the lipstick thing because that was like, this is a girl thing. I can't do the girl thing I'm a boy. Then the eyeliner after getting over the whole, like, poking myself in the face thing, uh was fun. I liked kinda- I kinda liked doing that. I sang a little bit. John I will see you in your extremely embarrassing picture tomorrow.
(Brotherhood 2.0 logo) (applying eyeliner and whistling)
(sings) just doin my make up here on the floor in the living room.
Hope the mail lady doesn't come by,
cause she'll see me doin my make up.
And she'll think I'm a pretty weird guy.
(spoken) I am a pretty weird guy.
(in basement) (sings and dances) My Hump, my hump my hump my hump!

Brotherhood 2.0: July 13: Outside

Good morning Hank, it's Friday. Hank, that's the view outside of my back yard. The view that I am generally looking at while I'm writing. As you know I've never taken a lot of stock in nature. I mean, I'm in favor of the environment and everything, but my general policy is that we should protect it by keeping ourselves distant from it. I'm generally a big fan of inside. In fact I believe that the entire reason human beings created inside was so that we wouldn't have to deal with outside anymore. And I've always found it endlessly amusing that people choose to be outside. Camping, backpacking, when our ancestors when through all this trouble to make inside for our comfort and happiness. Going outside just seems dismissive to your ancestors. Let's face it Hank, Nanny and Papa worked hard all their lives so that we could live inside.
But ever since I moved to Indiana, I find my distaste for outside kind of beginning to want. In fact, Hank, I am so enamored with outside that I am now going to show you a nature-themed Nerdfighters photo. Remember Nerdfighters, SPF 30 or above. (photo of Nerdfighters written in sand) That's right baby, we may be pasty, but Nerdfighters can hang out at the beach. I mean I still don't like the occupants of outside. For instance I don't like mice, and I don't like moles. There's a family of raccoons that lives under our deck. I don't like the raccoons. But I am starting to enjoy working outside. Although it's a screened in porch, so it's only kind of half outside. In fact Hank, maybe screened in is the exact right amount of outside. It occurs to me that I could probably hike the Appalachian trail as long as I had a screened in enclosure around me at all times.
Hank I'm looking forward to doing my punishment on Tuesday. I've already gotten some medals of some kind together, and this weekend I'm gonna get myself to the thrift store, get me some big baggy pants, maybe one of those old belts like I used to have, some green hairspray. Oh, speaking of the green hairspray: obviously I don't want you to just spray paint a green mohawk into your head. I want you to spray paint a green mohawk into your head and recreate the Goth picture.
OK Hank, I'm gonna go back inside and continue my attempt to find the perfect song to dance to during my punishment. I mean obviously if you're gonna be a shirtless surprisingly fat guy recreating the look of a shirtless amazingly skinny guy, you need a great song. Incidentally anyone with suggestions for that song is welcome to share them with me. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.